To feel sad my adult son prefers his girlfriends parents to his own

Women tend to organise more stuff. These imbalances usually result from that.

I feel for you OP, but YABU.

My MiL makes far too much effort, positioned as coming from a good place but all it does is make us feel pressured.

I.e. Booking holidays (which she plans the entirity of, often to wholly unsuitable places for our young DD) and just expecting us to come along, weekly invites to her house, even more frequent excuses made to come to us, non-stop gifts for our DDs etc.... It's kind on the surface but it's suffocating and feels manipulative - we are so aware she wants more time with us. The way I feel makes me feel like a terrible person, and as a result I've reduced the contact with her. Just to give a DiL's perspective here...

Reduce the effort, and you might find things shift.

Yes. They’re adults, they can and should plan themselves.

Did you go on holiday with your parents as an adult? I didn't- not after the age of 18, nor did any of my friends. I would say that's the way of things..

That is a little odd tbh. Until I bought a house with bf (now husband) we always had Christmas lunch with our own families and saw each other either before or after lunch (40 mins drive).

Once house was bought, we had both sides to our tiny little house.

I think it’s just a reflection of the fact that daughters/daughters in law generally put more effort and energy into managing and maintaining all the familial relationships, and that this usually results in a natural bias (conscious or otherwise) towards her own original family unit.

I wouldn’t worry too much re the holiday situation. Myself and my DH have been together 15.5 years and in that time have only been on one holiday abroad with his Mum, Stepdad, younger Bro, fiance, their kiddies, and 2 trips with his Dad and Dad’s partner. Over the same period, and excluding the few Covid years with restricted travel, we’ve holidayed abroad with my parents every year and also had a few UK breaks together. We’ve also had 4–5 wider family holidays abroad with my parents, brothers, SILs, niblings.

Some of that is influenced by factors like his Mum and Stepdad being extreme creatures of habit: same two weeks, spent in the same Turkish resort, at the same hotel, eating in the same restaurants EVERY SINGLE YEAR - they love it, but it’s definitely not our idea of the ideal holiday. Plus them preferring to eat a very early dinner and go to bed early, and whilst we are far from crazy party people, we like having a few drinks and staying up slightly when we are kicking back on our holiday.

But honestly the main factor just comes down to basic consideration and planning. DH’s family tend to go ahead and book their trips very much for themselves, and wouldn’t even think to ask us about our plans and if we’d be potentially interested in going along. Whereas between me and my parents, we will chat about our potential mutual holiday plans for the upcoming year well before anything has been arranged.

I’m also increasingly conscious that my parents aren’t getting any younger and are suffering with more and more health issues, and with no guarantees of how much time we might have left, I want to enjoy every opportunity to spend quality time with them whilst I still can.

Although I’d say my DH is generally pretty good and considerate with regarding his family, how often he sees them etc, I’m definitely closer to, and make more of an effort with, mine. I think it’s only natural that the result is us spending more of our time in their company and, by that measure, “choosing” them over his.

Try not to dwell on your son seemingly ’choosing’ his GF’s family over yours. Instead, be glad that he’s got a great set of “in-laws” who like him/he likes and are already happily treating him as a part of their family. Try to invest your energy in ensuring he and his GF feel as welcomed, loved and appreciated when in your company as possible. That way when they do choose to spend time with you, you all have the most enjoyable time in each other’s company and you’ll be laying the foundations of a relationship that is solid and mutually supportive/appreciative - should their partnership ultimately progress to marriage and/or grandchildren, the benefits of that approach will quickly become apparent.

I think you misunderstood @BettysRoasties comment.

I have 2 married daughters. The one is local and we spend a lot of time together. The other lives about 200 miles away and hardly ever calls or visits. She is always with her in laws. They in-laws are a boozy bunch who love to party and we don’t drink much so I think that has a lot to do with it but it does hurt so no yanbu but that’s life.

OK… old fashioned saying coming up: a son is a son until he grow wife, but a daughter is a daughter all of her life. Outdated and sexist but we know these these ideologies prevail.

YABVU I am afraid.

Starting “totting up” time spent with the other side of the family is a slippery slope into becoming the Mother/ MIL from Hell.

Don’t take it personally. There could be a large number of reasons for this. Concentrate on building your own fulfilling life and being an interesting/ fun/ relaxed person to be around and it will even out eventually.

And from another pp:
it’s that mother in laws won’t talk to their dil. If op texted an invite to her dil chances are they would come.

There have been multiple OPs about MILs who contact their DILs to make arrangements, with the DILs complaining about it and saying that they're not their DH's PA and their MIL should speak to him rather than add to their mental load.

Surprise surprise. MILs can't win.

Mumsnet has made me so grateful to have DDs. Fortunately I'm only a MIL to young men, who are chilled and undemanding of me.

Yes I remember when I was younger I would always go to Christmas with my ex. I was an only child with divorced parents so Christmas with his family was like the Christmases I never had! So much more fun!

So it might not be sexism is could just be that they’re more fun, which isn’t much better for OP though

I do think it’s important to make an effort to getvto know the partner and be positive and welcoming.

i disagree. It’s not falling on stereotypes it’s that mother in laws won’t talk to their dil. If op texted an invite to her dil chances are they would come. Men just don’t prioritise visiting people to keep a relationship going. Not because they are being unkind but because they done think about it.

But she's not your MIL, so you're making a bit of a leap here by suggesting it.

It’s really not unless you think women are responsible for maintaining their male partner’s relationship with his family.

Which is sexism.

I voted YANBU to "Am I being unreasonable to be a little hurt"; your question in your first post. But when you added the second post asking "AIBU to think they should share equally?", I changed my vote to YABU.

Ensure you are somewhere they want to be. No nagging, constant questions etc. more importantly embrace her as a daughter. Message her and ask her about whether they want to come on holiday, come over to visit etc. If she feels welcome and accepted then they’ll come. If you invite her and not go through him, they’ll come.
We live 10 min walk away from my mil. She refuses to text me or send invites through me. My dh (her son) doesn’t reply to messages and is too busy thinking of other things. Whenever we go over there it’s because I have told him to arrange it. It’s not that he doesn’t love his mother or that he doesn’t want to see her it’s that he just doesn’t think about it.

Unless it’s the same poster displaying this contradictory view it’s not hypocrisy.
Different women have different opinions - shocker!

And there is nothing hypocritical about insisting your partner share the domestic load while thinking you cannot force an adult child
where to spend their time.

Your post is pure sexism.

Why is the GF responsible for how the son chooses to not spend time with his family?

HIS family is HIS responsibility.

Aww yano what I don't think YABU to want equal time, I know I would and it would hurt me if my DS seemed to prefer his in-laws to me. I'd never ever raise it as an issue though but it would secretly hurt me ( I'm not saying you've raised it as an issue )

It's more likely that he's just going along with what his girlfriends plans, loads of men do don't they.

Are you close with the girlfriend? Are there some things you could do to have a closer relationship with her?

I know with my sister, the only reason her husband sees his parents is because my sister is the driving force behind it. If it wasn't for her he wouldn't make an effort with his parents, not because he doesn't like them, it's just the way he is. He hasn't seen his sister for easily a year

YANBU but it’s for the couple to decide that for themselves.
Sounds like your son simply cannot be arsed.

Would you feel the same if they committed to your holiday but not the girlfriend's parents?

One of the many hypocrisies I notice on Mumsnet…the same women who bleat on about ‘equality’ and monitor obsessively the number of drops offs/pick ups/sick days/annual leave/housework their DHs aren’t doing their fair share of suddenly have zero issue with falling back on the traditional stereotype of the female’s side of the family taking precedence.

That's a very good point.

YANBU to feel sad but YABU to think that they need to split their time equally. Point scoring is silly. Don’t compete with her parents and don’t make her the problem. Don’t emotionally blackmail them or use guilt, it will push them away.

If you want to see them more you have to make sure that it’s an enjoyable experience for her. You can take it for granted that it will be enjoyable for your son because he already loves you! Make her feel welcome, offer to help, be reliable etc. It helps if your son is proactive in planning things too.

My DH calls his parents a couple of times a week but hasn’t seen them for four years due to geography. They live five minutes away from their daughter and see her every day.

My MIL was quite jealous when we settled on the other side of the world from them and complained that as we were in my home country my Mum would get to see me allllll the time. As both my parents died when I was a teenager that’s not true! Her early attempts to ‘win back’ her son did little for her relationship with either of us.