To feel sad my adult son prefers his girlfriends parents to his own

My ILs ghost us for week every time we visit my parents. We see my parents about once every couple of years as they are in another country and my ILs every 3-4 months!

To feel sad my adult son prefers his girlfriends parents to his own

He probably doesn't but she does and he wants to be with her so will go with the flow. This tends to be the way it goes.

• Mother of boys

YANBU to feel upset, I would too. It's their decision though at the end of the day. Keep inviting them to things OP, but act unconcerned if they say no. Try not to seem jealous of her parents.

I’m sensing this is why you they don’t want to go on holiday. They’re adults, you can’t expect them to go with you! Your idea of a holiday may not be theirs!

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It’s fairly common and if you read all the MIL posts on here you’ll know that many women (certainly not all) prefer their own families company and the men end up just going along with it. But, you can’t force them to spend time equally, and if you get offended, and start complaining then it’s likely to get worse.

My younger son lives with his gf now but they live closer to me currently, so I see more of them. But they spent Christmas with her family, which was fine by me, and will come to me next year (I am relocating in summer so they will be closer to gf parents). I’ll never put pressure on them to come and spend time with me, I hate that, and i’ve spent many christmases with my mother (who hates christmas so it’s hardly fun) out of duty.

I think that my son and his current Gf (hopefully she becomes his wife and mother to my GC as I like her a lot) will be quite fair over visiting but I do think daughters need their mothers more than boys do in general. I do have a daughter too, but who knows if she will see more of me in future as she’s only a teen at moment. All my dc were quite homely kids, and I hope they will want to choose to spend time with me. Ds1 is 32 and we have been on many holidays together, but he is single so I think that makes it a bit different as not sure a partner (he is gay so would be male) would necessarily want to holiday with their bf’s mum!

My advice - chill.

It's a common phenomenon at all levels of society, from the Prince of Wales downwards.

I understand how you feel OP as it must be very hard (especially if he is an only child). It seems to be that daughters are closer with their parents than sons as the grow - I know I'm a lot closer with my parents than my brother and I pester my husband to see his parents.

Sadly, I do think you are being unreasonable as so many of the other posts have said, he isn't a bag of sweets and it's his choice whether he comes with you or not. For insurance, my PIL are lovely but my husband just doesn't want to spend Christmas day there and I can't force him. We always end up at my parents.

Try not to take it too personally. If you back off a bit and just let them do their own thing, they might come round eventually.

It's pretty normal for a girl to be seeing her parents more than his side, usually daughters are closer with there mum the older they get..Let them be and stop being daft there grown up and can decide what they want when they want to do it, that's what happens when we grow lol

can’t make decisions without her dad agreeing

What type of decisions?

he’s said they can’t commit so don’t boom them a space. I am very upset they can commit to her parents but not us.

You have absolutely no idea the reasons why they can’t commit to a holiday. Could be finances, work, wedding (as guests), a festival. Or they might want to go on a holiday just the two of them.

You are sounding quite bitter without much context.

Sorry, but you’re being super unreasonable.
The apron strings can be shared at this point in his life!

“I have always taught my children to make their own choices and be their own person. I don’t feel he is now.”

now he isn’t making the choices you want him to it’s no longer his choice. Sure.

Or he simply doesn’t care as much about making time with his family.

Your viewing it as pressure. She just wants to spend time with her family. Yes she may be trying too hard but at least shes trying to make an effort. My MIL was similar so we agreed on one day a week she babysat. That was her time with her GC, it worked for both of us and I was grateful for it. The bond they built was special and benefited my DC to have wider family connections. Yes she got on my nerves at times but I found she backed off a bit because that day was her time with them.

I feel sorry for mother in laws.
But what can you do?
No way I'd willingly go on holiday with my mother in law.

She's a good enough person but it would be polite conversation the whole time.
Even looking at the difference between my sister and sister in law's houses,
In my sister's house, I can go to the kitchen and eat if i want, go have a shower and pretty much do what I want.

At my sister in law's, I sit where I am seated and play nice.
I really do like my sister in law and because I reach out a lot she includes me in a lot but facts are she's also much closer to her sisters.
What does that look like? My kids are close with the cousins from my sisters and vice versa.
Luckily all mother in laws in our family have daughters!

I will try and be supportive and welcoming to my son's future family but I'll have to guard my heart.
My daughter already tells me she's not moving far from me as she wants to be close to me.
And tbh I want to be there for her if she has kids etc
I dare say my son's family will have the same support from their family but he will know he's welcome home any time.

I don’t think it favour exactly, but I feel I can ask my mum anything, but don’t feel the same with my PIL, and as I did most of the organising, it just falls like that.

I appreciate the suggestion and view, but this just reinforces exactly what I'm saying.

The pressure from a MiL to see them can be overwhelming.

If you have a busy life maybe a solution could be your MIL could babysit to help out? Would that work? Kids seeing they're grandmother weekly isn't utterly unreasonable. It's pretty normal in lots of families if they live close enough.

I work full time, have a house to run, my friends and the kids friends to see, life admin to do. I see my own parents once month at most and wider family whenever I can. So, yes, seeing my MiL weekly is utterly unreasonable.

Holiday-wise, yes, we have tried suggesting alternatives, and it's caused offense and upset and an atmosphere and ultimately fallen on deaf ears.

My whole point is that the above, and situation in the OP whereby the OP / MiL is offended, actively pushes family away.

I have the same situation, and I find it really sad. My son just chooses the path of least resistance. His wife is anxious and uptight, and she likes to see her family and to have my son with her- he just goes along. I know he loves us and doesn't adore her family at all, but she is more pleasant and relaxed around them, and that is easier and nicer for him, so that is what they do.

This just makes you sound pretty mean. Your MIL is trying her best to connect with you and her GC, you know that but your response is to deliberately reduce time with her. I mean the holiday issue is easy to resolve - just have a chat with her about it or suggest somewhere you could go that suits everyone. Would you find it too much to see your own Mum weekly or over the top if she was seeking more time with her family?

thats what i wondered its the lady running the show

in theory yes, but chances are hes doing it to keep the g/f happy etc

I much prefer my PILs to my parents. It’s not even close. And my parents are loving & decent. You can’t influence who your children click with more.

YABU.

I have an adult DD who has a partner and as much as I absolutely adore spending time with my DD I’m very aware that she doesn’t ’owe’ me any time. She still lives at home but will be moving out in the spring. It hurts like hell to think about but we have to let go and sure enough they’ll come back. If she wanted to spend her first Christmas with just her and her partner then that would be fine. They have their own lives, they might not spend equal time with both sets of parents but they shouldn’t have to.
My advice would be go with the flow, you make plans, let them know they’re invited but if they don’t come, you go and have a fabulous time. Don’t be a doormat and accept disrespect but at the same time, loosen the apron strings.