To feel sad my adult son prefers his girlfriends parents to his own

It must be hard, and confusing. I wonder how common this is. My boyfriend openly says he much prefers spending time with my parents than his own, and we see a LOT more of my parents than his.

Men are inherently lazy and the majority place no value in the small social lubricants that keeps people feeling tied like phone calls, texts, gifts and regular meetings ups. We see this through so many threads on here and therefore that saying rings true. I do have a partner who cares deeply about his family and does seem they regularly but I think that’s tied to all sorts of unusual factors that are a bit outing to post about. It’s not very standard. I on the other hand rarely see my family and I feel fine with that. I’m super busy and as long as everyone is healthy and happy we all just coast along.

Somehow you are going to have to find some peace with this as if they end up having children together the dynamic you are struggling with is going to intensify by a factor of one hundred. You are stumbling over the first MIL hurdle and you will push them away.

You aren’t entitled to see them for exactly the same time quota as her family, it’s not a child custody arrangement. They are adults with free will and they will choose. Assuming you have more sons then the same may happen with those young men too and thats why the stereotypes about losing the son to the wife exists.

Does anyone else find this saying trotted out all the time annoying: 'a daughter's a daughter all of her life, a son is a son 'til he gets him a wife'.

In my experience a son is a son until he can’t be arsed organising to see his family despite his wife repeatedly suggesting it to him and would love it if he took the kids off on an outing with him for his family for the day.

Women are just socialised to be better at organising relationships so do their half well with their family. Many men can be rubbish at this so don’t bother to do their half with their family.

This is tough OP, what a shame.

Myself and DH had tough upbringings for different reasons and always wanted our DC to have it different from us

It's possible that he shares this natural ambition to improve on what he started out with, so the social climbing/snobbery is appealing to him at this stage in his life.

We all go through developmental stages where we latch onto whatever seems to suit our purpose at the time, and this might just be something he grows out of, although I must say my brother never did - driven by status his whole life, sadly.

We have the same issue every holiday or event. I even get asked on Mother’s Day am I coming for lunch with DM or MIL as if these are the only two options available. I’ve been a mother myself for well over 10 years now but apparently I haven’t yet earnt the honour of the day.

the line I invested my life stood out for me, is your son a bit suffocated

She prefers to be with her own family and your son wants to be with her. I would also assume her father is either helping his daughter financially with the house purchase or is in a position of being able to guide her because of his knowledge in this area. All very normal and not personal towards you.

Secondly I can't go on holiday with my mil for my own mental health. A short weekend away I can put up with but any longer it's not worth it. She moans about everything, is uptight and sucks all the energy and fun out of everything. The thing that's the worst is she constantly criticises other people's body's. It's awful and I don't want my kids exposed to that. Needed this rant 😆

My MIL used to try and call the shots and get upset we didn’t go over there. The reasons were numerous - they moved 70 miles away and retired. They refused to come to us because “it’s too far”.
We were (and still are) working full time and one of us had a hideous commute, young DCs and they never did anything with them. We’d get there on crappy roads, and the DCs would be expected to be their toys until FIL did his usual eat too much and fall asleep after ignoring them. Why put ourselves through that? Several incidents later, we are totally NC.

If they've only been together for 2 years it might be fun for him to have in-laws and may feel he wanting to make friends with them to be able to be accepted as part of their family?

Are you inviting your son and his gf over? And offering them a warm welcome? Reason I ask is my mil doesn't invite us over, she requests and when we go she is preoccupied with other things & doesn't offer food etc so we don't feel welcome, and it's not a relaxing inviting atmosphere.

My MIL, when she found out that we weren't going to my parents this Christmas but were having the day with friends instead, said "if I had known you weren't going to your mum's we'd have had you here", as if we were a possession being swapped around, not people who had wishes of their own. They aren't.

Secondly, if they've already got one week of AL this year for family, they probably don't want to do more. They'll only have 5-6 weeks free. Invite them next year.

Thirdly, possibly her dad controls her a bit whilst your son is more independent. That's a cause for sympathy, not petty "I want MOOOOOORE" whining.

I’m afraid @AmyW9 is right for some of us it is pressure though. It’s exhausting trying to keep up with the demands of daily life as it is let alone keep a family member happy who is constantly asking for contact. It may only be once a week for the MIL but for a busy working family if you have more than one parent or grandparent then once a week visit for everyone suddenly leaves you with no time to do anything but go to work, do chores and facilitate everyone else’s needs. It’s unsustainable.

As for the kids spending time with GP alone that’s great if everyone wants it’s but it’s not the solution if they don’t. We allowed our Dd regular visits without us in order to keep the peace but once she got to around 4 she stoped wanting to go. It may come from a good place but it doesn’t make it right. I realise I’m projecting but in our case they just put pressure on a small child instead, why don’t you want to come for tea, come for a sleepover, do you want to go out for the day, here’s a new toy or £5 for your piggy bank. The gestures themselves were all very kind and well meant but behind them all is this underlying expectation of I’ve done x for you so you now owe me x amount of your time. If the thing that was given in the first place wasn’t asked for either it’s bloody frustrating for all involved

I think you sound a bit overbearing. Back off and let them do what they want to do. Just carry on being nice and welcoming.

I can sympathise as my oldest child is a bit like this. Been with gf 3 years since uni. After uni they lived with me for 6 months before moving to her parents’ where they still are while saving a deposit. Her family aren’t so far away, but like your son, he goes on holiday with them but not us. When they lived with me, they’d visit her family nearly every week. As it is, I’m lucky to see him once every 6 weeks. I’m happy he’s happy, making his own life etc but it does feel like a lot of it is built around what suits her. But hopefully he’ll be with her long after I’m not around any more so pleasing her is more important than pleasing me.

I think it’s quite common. My brother spends more time at his in- laws than our parents, even though he admits his in-laws are nutters 😅

Get on with your own life.

YANBU to be a bit hurt, but YABU to think they have to split their time equally.

Also we’ve been on holiday more times with my PIL over the years than with my family but we don’t feel I can relax. MIL plans everything to the hour, is very anal and insistent on what she wants to do and will pay for the activity for us all so we feel guilt tripped into going, you just don’t get any peace and quiet or time to yourself. I go on holiday to relax and I just don’t find it relaxing when we are with them. If you are saying on here they should spend their time equally, are the type of person who would be happy for them to go off on their own on holiday, or would you expect them to be with you the whole time?

Well that is a shame, as it sounds like you have made an effort to spend time together.

I generally don’t get on here posters who still see such a separation between both sides of the family after relationships/marriages which are lengthy. My DH is more than happy to give my youngest sibling a lift, I’m more than happy to post birthday cards to my ILs. We both jump in to help either side, not just ‘ours’, because we see ourselves as all family 🥰

OP you could easily be my MIL from what you have written. We spend a lot more time with my parents than my DH, always have done and I can tell you that for us anyway, it’s not because I’m closer to my mum or family. For us it just developed naturally over the last 14 years. We can walk into my parents house without knocking, help ourselves to a drink or food without asking, my dad will invite my husband to the pub or out somewhere for the day, he will ask for my husbands help when doing big DIY projects, we are invited every week for dinner, they invite us out to restaurants, they offer to have our kids so we can go out for a meal or food shop in peace, if we need anything they are always there at the drop of a hat. They ask us how we are, text us happy new year etc. In contrast I can’t actually remember the last time we were invited to my in laws for anything (apart from Boxing Day which is a given unless they are away), we have to knock before entering even though we have a key, neither of us can relax there in the same way as we do at my parents, I’ve never been invited anywhere by my MIL and the only time she does occasionally do it now is when she wants my young son to come along (so it’s basically to spend time with him), or because she wants me to drive because FIL cba to take her (so a invite because I’m useful). I don’t have a issue with my PILs, I would love to spend more time with them especially as my DH is a only child. We do live closer to my parents but my PIL are only a 10 minute drive away so we aren’t far from either. My PIL like to live their own lives particularly MIL so it’s just the way it is. I’m not saying this is what’s happening in your case but this is from my perspective anyway.

You have every right to feel hurt but no he shouldn’t be spitting his time equally. You’re not entitled to his time nor should you insist or dictate how they spend it. I can’t tell you now that you’re going the right way to being the person they never want to spend time with. We have one set of parents like this and it’s exhausting. Splitting every weekend, Christmas, Easter, annual holiday. They constantly feel like we’re not doing enough and ironically if there is ever a time where we can only see one set we see them the most because they’re the ones who will complain the most. However the time is spent begrudgingly as interactions have become forced over the years. Adults only have a finite amount of time off please don’t start keeping tally of how they spend it.