To feel sad my adult son prefers his girlfriends parents to his own

Op no one can live a life where they must split their time equally between two sets of parents. Sometimes they will make plans with you sometimes they will make plans with her family. Stop keeping a log of when they go to her parents and just concentrate on your times when you see them.

No, no, no! Let them do their own thing without pressure. It’s ok to point out that they are always welcome to join you on holiday (although that expectation is a bit weird for grown adults), but let them come to you and stop asking.

Twas ever thus. Girls are usually more attached to their parents, and their boyfriends usually want a quiet life.

I think son in laws are often expected to do almost nothing besides show up and not be complete arses. If sons return to their own families the expectations are higher. If the wife comes from a more patriarchal family where the men do bugger all then lots of sons are attracted to it. Basically a lot of them are quite lazy and are very happy to be looked after in someone else’s home.

If the wife is master of the home then she’s more likely to gravitate towards her parents home that is ‘hers’ so she can just crack on. Roughly half of all marriages end in divorce. Most women still take on the majority care especially the mental load of the kids. Why invest a huge amount in people you have a coins toss chance of not keeping a relationship with? The next generation of women seem to be far less likely to make the investment with the in laws.

Try not to take it personal, but I would suggest asking them if they would go on holiday with you next year, that way you're getting in first without pushing them away.

How much older is your son than his siblings?

Is girlfriend an only one?

Does she find being with all of your family too much?

So would a holiday with you be you & your husband, your other two sons plus your oldest son & his GF?

If so I can see how that wouldn't appeal.

We always spent more time with my parents.

Husband found them a lot easier to get on with.

You need to trust your son to make his own decisions. You raised him to be independent, capable, and able to think for himself, and this is the point where those lessons matter. Continuing to seek his attention or intervene risks undermining that independence. This phase of parenting is not easy, but it does require stepping back. Letting go is part of the responsibility, even when it’s uncomfortable, and trusting him now gives him the space to move forward in his own way.

This is true. It made me think of the old saying:
Your son is your son till he takes him a wife
But your daughter's your daughter the whole of her life.

I know it’s not always the case but there’s definitely a grain of truth in it.

I do understand your feelings, OP, and you can’t help how you feel, but if you come across as needy and demanding I’m afraid you will just push the young couple further away.

I think expecting equality on this is idealistic and destined for disappointment. I've got two DS and have likewise built a happy family/good relationship but I still have no expectations that they'd spend time with us over a DP's family when the time comes. We're closer to my parents than my DH's and his sister is closer to his parents than her IL's and this is generally the pattern I've seen around all my life. There are exceptions ofc but it's oft the way and not a reflection on your parenting. Plus I wouldn't expect an adult DC to want to come on holiday with us anyway. It'd be nice if they did but better not to expect and for it to be a nice surprise if they can than expect to be accommodated at all let alone equally. They're living their own lives and don't need an extra rule of having to manage both sets of parents so one doesn't get the hump from comparing investments. If my DS are happy and achieving independence, that would be the main thing.

It's tricky. DD1 and I are close and she seems to be the dominant one in the relationship with her boyfriend, so they spend more time with us than his parents (even though we live further away).

But despite this, I bend over backwards to make her boyfriend feel very welcome and cherished when he's here. I work hard to foster a good relationship just with him, in his own right, and not just as an add-on to DD1.

I would have thought it was quite obvious that parents are different kettle of fish than friends.

I think your feelings are valid but there is some truth in the old saying…..

Your son is your son until he finds a wife,
Your daughter is your daughter for the rest of your life.

I think its completely unrealistic to expect two adults to give up huge amounts of annual leave to go on holiday with both sets parents. It maybe this time her parents are going somewhere they really want to go and two weeks with you is just a bit to much. I don't think you can take it personally. I definitely prefer my parents to any of my ex partners parents, infact getting on with my family is a huge requirement for me.

Ok so my best guess here is that either your son’s girlfriend is pushing for more time with her parents, and especially a cherished holiday and your DS is happy to go along with her preference OR your DS is finding the difference in values interesting/ refreshing and that he’s appreciating the variety.

Much as I would say I probably share your values deep down, it can actually be quite wearing to be constantly with people who have a very strong moral code or ethos and unbendingly adhere to it. I had friends like this at uni- they would almost recoil at anything which was seen as materialistic or flashy and almost revel in being seen to reject these values and being ‘“poor” (obviously they weren’t). In the end we got a bit tired of it as it also came across as being envious and a bit snobby- we called it inverse snobbery! Sometimes you have to let go and enjoy yourself especially on holiday!

I’m not saying this is why in your case but you have to let your DS explore different value systems and decide for himself what his own are- and be warned they may not be the same as yours! Give it time, continue to welcome him and his GF without an agenda and see where you get to.

OP maybe just focus on having great holidays without kids( albeit adult) in tow! I’m not planning on whole family holidays when they’ve all left home- surely that’s your time? The odd weekend or occasional trip maybe but relish your independence ! Life is short.

Ah I have same OP. No advice really other than to say you gotta suck it up if you want to continue with having a relationship with your DS and his gfriend.

I get it. And it's bloody hard sometimes but just paste that smile on and carry on...

very similar situation here and ds lives very close to his fiancée parents and 5 hours away from us. I do find it hard when they have meals together and see each other often and can feel left out. But I am so pleased that he gets on with her family and that they like him. I would never say anything , we make efforts to visit them and help when asked. It is just a shift of his life not him not loving you anymore. You just have to be happy for him.

You have every right to feel sad & rejected - just don't show it to your son.
I have a 19year old and I thought the same would happen but thankfully they are with us more. I am beyond grateful.
When I was young, I spent more time at my bfs house. Its just how to cookie crumbles unfortunately.

We see far more of my parents for holidays and Christmas. I feel a little guilty but there are various reasons

1. my parents plan holidays further in advance. Our leave disappears quickly - we often plan a holiday for next year on the current holiday, or even earlier. 2026’s holiday was booked in 2024. My in-laws often say “let’s go on holiday in march” in December - our leave is already allocated and booked up.
2. my parents pay for more. It sounds mercenary but it’s a simple case of practicality. We know a holiday with my family will cost significantly less than a holiday with my in laws so in budgeting terms we can afford it when we can’t afford the other.
3. theyre more relaxing with my parents. My in laws won’t go abroad and we always have the dogs with us. They like to get up early and often complain about people not doing enough (we do, just differently) and complain about each other constantly to whoever is listening. It gets very tiring. My parents aren’t perfect and can drive me crazy but it’s a lot more laid back and about good food and good wine and seeing beautiful places and so long as everyone mucks in they’re happy.
4. my parents never complain if we can’t see them, they’re just happy and grateful when we do join them - DF always says he doesn’t understand it as he couldn’t wait to stop family holidays with his mother. When we see the in laws they spend time complaining how they don’t get us to see us.
5. I do most of our social organising so there is a natural preference. I try to be fair but when DH isn’t bothered it naturally falls to my preference.

Not saying all or any of these apply to your situation but if you’ve built him to be more independent, she’s probably the driving force behind the choice.

It is a shame you find yourself in this situation, it can’t be easy. Your line about feeling they ought to share their time evenly however is absolutely ridiculous, sorry, they’re not toys or sweets to be handed around. Just keep the lines of communication open, invite them to meals or to days out when you can/want to, that’s all you can do really. Well, and be pleasant company but it sounds like you’re okay on that front already!
It isn’t a given that a man will be closer to his wife’s family… but it is often the case purely because men just don’t consider it to be their ‘job’ to keep relationships afloat, and so the ‘in laws’ fall to one side when the DIL refuses to pick up the slack. I don’t know what the answer is to it really, but it’s disappointing to see, time and again.

YABU

It's not a competition nor something you audit.

Your jealousy is part of the problem but it also sounds like insecurity on either your son's or his daughter's part where they feel the need to seek approval.

Would you like your son and his gf to be constantly seeking your approval?

Which is a healthier relationship?

Please don’t be that mum who demands equal more time from him. As an adult he can go on holiday with who he likes when he likes.
just be open and inviting to them both never demanding

I think this happens. I have a sister and no brothers, we all spend a lot of time with my family. I have teo boys and I am sad that they will probably end up spending more time with their future wives parents and move to be close by them rather than me.

I have two adult DDs and one lives with friends, the other still home. I let them be with boyfriends- only recently had the eldest had a serious relationship and I’ve met him once as she lives away and they both live in different city to parents so they are truly independent. I understand the feeling op but I think you have to keep it to yourself. You will always be his mum and he knows that. I would cultivate time alone with him for a walk or a coffee etc and don’t t focus so much on the relationship.

It sounds like your son doesn't want to spend more time with his family. If he really wanted to, he could. His gf does want to spend more time with her family so she is actively making it happen.

Nothing stopping your son from making it happen as well but sounds like he feels no need.