To feel sad my adult son prefers his girlfriends parents to his own

Your feelings are not unreasonable, but as @DoubleShotEspressox has very clearly illustrated, other people may view things differently.

But I think @ReleaseTheDucksOfWar has summed it up perfectly. The bittersweet feelings of launching your dc as adults.

Keep the door open to your son, and be welcoming to his partner. As he matures he will surely know your value.

A son is a son til he gets a wife , a daughter is a daughter all of her life .
Is the old saying ( or at least the gist of it )
Look at all the relationships around you , and maybe even your own .
I think you will find merit in it .
It happens with girlfriends as well and don't forget they are moving their relationship forward by moving in together soon .

Have you tried asking her if there's anything you can do to make it easier having the children at your house?

I'd also remember your DIL is just going to see her mom and the children are coming with her, she's still a person in her own right and can spend as much time with her mom as she chooses. It's not her responsibility to make it equal as long as she isn't stopping her husband seeing you. This is coming across more combative than I mean it to sorry.

I think your feelings and sadness are very valid. I don't know that there is much you can do, but it seems normal to me to be sad when you are slightly left behind by someone you sunk so much love and effort into and who you still love dearly.

It's nice to see them flapping their newly grown wings and taking off, less nice to feel the cold draft that's left behind and watch them land in another nest.

I think there’s a chance from all your good intentions that you could come off a little intense. You desperately want the perfect upbringing and relationship that you’re offended and hurt when adult DC pull back a little.

OP, Adult DC are supposed to pull back. This is normal. If you keep your claws in or have a big reaction or keep insisting on more time together they are just going to get - I’m sorry, freaked out. It’s controlling and way too intense. You need to relax around them. Trust you did a good job and trust you have a good relationship.

You shouldn’t need your son to prove this by logging a certain amount of hours at a set number of locations.

As the daughter in a marriage, will give my very one sided opinion.

You may not do this at all, or be totally unaware if you do. But my husband has a brother, and both boys have absolutely pulled away from their mum (thank god, she’s toxic). Because we can’t do anything with my side of my family without a comment, judgemental eye roll, sad sigh or negative opinion from her. We could see her ten days straight but one afternoon with my parents and we will get “oh and you’ve left me all alone”.

Planning anything, like Christmas, birthdays, outings, all a fucking nightmare because it ends up a continuous guilt spiral for my husband because of her sheer passive aggressiveness.

If I asked my MIL, bearing in mind it’s all intentional, she believes her own lies that she’s done nothing wrong.

Whereas, both boys in-laws are non-judgemental, positive, don’t interfere, enjoy their achievements, don’t make comments, offer help when it’s appropriate, and don’t make everything about them. Y’know, a normal family.

You may not SAY anything outwardly but I bet your responses, attitude and demeanour tell a different story. And it would be interesting to know what kind of relationship, independent of your son, you’ve tried to create with his partner. My MIL doesn’t even acknowledge me in my own home, I am purely the vessel to birth her grandchildren. She will happily eat my food, comment on my decor, tell me what I should be doing for work, but won’t thank me for my hospitality or even say hello when she arrives.

In my experience, girls are more attached to their parents than boys once they're adults...
So if the partner wants to spend time with her parents, he's probably happy to just go along with it to keep her happy.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. As a mum of a DS doing a similar thing, I feel the same, it makes me sad. What I think could be unreasonable is telling him how you feel. My family have a close relationship, we spend time together, but I'd prefer more. I think my DS prefers his GF house because it is often empty, and she has a bigger (tidier 🙄) room, whereas there is almost always someone home in my house. The same with my DD and her friends. They have bigger houses, or their own flats. Unfortunately, there isn't that much space in my house.

Just don't change. They may come back to your holidays. It's not fair but I wouldn't make an issue of it

There’s absolutely no ‘should’ about where adults spend their time. For whatever reason they currently obviously feel more comfortable there than at your house. Why would even want to force them to spend time with you, knowing it’s not what they’d choose to be doing?

A lot of sons do this, not because they prefer the mil but because they’re lazy and go with the flow, GF is obviously better at organising things with her family, when most DS can’t be bothered.
there is truth in the aul saying “until your Son finds a wife” men are happy where there warm and fed as a lot of them naturally suit themselves first.

It’s not a custody situation and being needy is not going to endear them towards spending more time with you. I would assume you’re probably overthinking it anyway, if they’re just moving in together it’s probably a budgetary issue rather than anything else.

Personally I only get 4 weeks holiday so to give our family a week each would mean I would be giving up half of my holiday allowance and I wouldn’t want to do that. I’d give it to who asked first or who I preferred to go with.

I hate all the keeping it even narrative as it’s often the couple who gets the short end of the straw by running themselves ragged trying to keep it even. I used to dread Christmas Day as we’d spend 5 hours of it in the car running around trying to please everyone. Once we put ourselves first and stopped trying to keep it even our lives massively improved.

My MIL was like this. Constantly keeping tabs on us and what we did with my parents and expecting everything to be “equal” even though we are fully grown adults and not particularly close to my parents. Things progressed and I’m no contact with her and DH is minimal. I’d watch your stepping here.

Not unreasonable a grown up son hasn't got the annual leave to do both holidays. He has chosen the girlfriend's family holiday for any number of very good reasons - he prefers where they're going, they asked first etc. The girlfriend's father being controlling is a bit concerning. Your son may be starting to go along with her family from the fear of what might happen if he disappoints. That might be worth keeping an eye on and raising his awareness of this dynamic and encouraging him to be his own man ... if indeed you think that is the case? Controlling people don't usually loosen their grip unless you take a stand and they'll happily accuse you of being selfish/punish you for not doing exactly what they want.

You have to stop thinking of your DS as an asset that needs to be shared equally. My DS spends much more time with his DiL's family than with us but it doesn't bother me or DH. If we need help or support he will drop everything and come and stay. Be glad for the quality of the relationship you have with him and stop worrying about the hours or minutes.

Because it’s true. Why do people continually deny that this happens in most cases?

No one seems to want to admit but the woman’s family usually get priority in marriages/relationships. The only time they don’t is if the woman doesn’t have a close relationship with hers.

I see people saying make sure you have a nice relationship with your daughter in law but it doesn’t really make a difference.

Our son spends more time with his girlfriend’s parents, mainly because her dad is into sports that DS is into. They have a great relationship, always having a laugh together. When I see this I do feel bad for my husband as he’s excluded a bit but I’m happy that he has a good relationship with them. Don’t know how I’ll feel if grandchildren come along!

You’re going to have to get used to playing second fiddle to her parents from now on. Probably best to accept it rather than kick up a fuss as you can’t win this game.

I’ve 2 adult sons and we try to see them annually as we live abroad but DIL always prioritises spending family time with her mum, even though she doesn’t live nearby either. DIL regularly takes the DGC to her mum’s for a long weekend.

Just try and keep a lid on those feelings OP as otherwise, you'll drive them away. Try to just hold onto that relationship without making it about you.

I'm not suggesting for a moment that you are anything remotely like my MIL, but she made me feel uneasy and never good enough to the point we spent less and less time around her. Now she doesn't have a relationship with her son, (my DH) and subsequently our DC but she wouldn't see any of it as her doing.

💐

Absolutely not. Why do people perpetuate this sexist nonsense?

I am a single mother of 3 young adult men. 2 still at University. I am busy now building my own life, friends, hobbies, interests so that they do not feel
obligated to spend time with me in the future. They will still come on holiday with me at the moment, but I try to have a long weekend away with each individually to match our common interests. I have spend my whole life feeling obligated to visit my mother / include her .. I actually found my PIL much easier company when they were alive (and I was still married? My mother is a widow so I think her being alone was a big reason she always want my company .
Dont count up the hours / days your son and his GF spend with each family; that way lies madness. Make the most of the time you do have and maximise the welcome you give them. This is a marathon. Not a sprint …

Competition is the thief of joy.

The thing to focus on isn't the division of time between two families as an equal slice of the cake. It's your own relationship with your son. Sometimes this has to be accepted on the basis on which it's offered, and can be all the richer for that.

This, in the end, is your choice.

I was like this with my first relationship and the more my parents complained the more time I spent away from them. Not deliberately but because I felt sick immense pressure that it was easier to be with his family who were easy going. I now have a son and am happy for him to spend his time however he chooses but it's always lovely to see him. I know hassling him won't make him want to spend time with me.