To feel sad my adult son prefers his girlfriends parents to his own

Another couple of things I've noticed about IL/child dynamics:

1. ILs always assumed that a cordial relationship exists with the other side, and that equality is desirable. My MIL always refers to me visiting my mum's, when actually it's my dad I want to see, my mum drives me mad. We're moving closer to them not because I want my mum to have a closer relationship with my kids, but my dad. We also love their area, whilst where we live is riskier for kids growing up.

2. IL relationships can be trickier because women can tend to be more independent than men earlier on. It gives me the ick seeing MIL run around my husband, his brother and FIL, and I don't like her acting "mum" to me either. My mum doesn't treat me or my husband like children.

So even when my MIL is completely objectively a nicer person, it's still a tricky relationship because she is forever seeing things that aren't there.

I think its often said that in couples they will see more of the woman's family as she will perhaps feel more driven to maintain bonds with her own family and the guys goes a long with that. In out case we actually live about 5 minutes from DH's parents and probably see them a bit more often and DH pops in on his own a couple of times a week to walk his parents dog and see them. I only see my own parents about once or twice a month as they live in another town about 7 miles away, but when we do see them we spend a longer block of time there. My brother lives on the same street on them and sees them everyday. So I think it does depend.

OP, you said that you had spent your life investing in your family… well, now is the time to invest in yourself! Dedicate the majority of your time, energy and effort onto yourself and let your son do what he wants. Pick a holiday that you want that suits you best not the family; hobbies; go out with your mates, etc etc. You’ll be so much happier and you won’t care how much time your son spends with his in-laws @Bossie21

Similar happens in my relationship - but it's just because I bother to plan time with my family, whereas he doesn't with his. I learned many, many years ago to let him deal with his family, as I have enough mental load as it is. His parents may not be happy at how much we see them, but the ball is firmly in his court to make plans on that score.

Perhaps it's similar in their relationship, and it's just a bit of laziness creeping in on his part, and he's just not planning the visits?

Do you actively try to plan things, or are you just sitting and waiting to be visited? Plan a meal out or something, or a day trip? Trip to the theatre?

I've had lots of people in the past say to me oh, x, y or z don't bother with us - but on closer examination there's been no effort from their side, either.

Sadly I think this is the case so often.

We spend lots of time with my in-laws because they’re genuinely lovely, welcoming people and there’s no pressure, I have so many friends who have to put up with what you’ve described though.

My brother and his wife definitely see my parents much more than hers, but they are geographically closer and also more able to help with childcare etc. I think when children arrive those are usually the more deciding factors than maternal vs paternal side.

But ultimately just making sure you are welcoming and friendly, don’t pile on pressure… I have a son and I’m determined not to do any of the annoying MIL stuff so many of my friends have to put up with.

If they both work this could have something to do with annual leave allowances rather than personal relationships. They might not want to commit all of their holiday days to family holidays so soon in the year, until they've worked out where else they want to take time off.

When did they go on holiday with you? Was it last year? Maybe they are alternating holidays with both families.

A son’s a son until he gets a wife - sadly true with my family.

Although it’s not true with our gay son and his husband.
(Also see: Brooklyn Beckham, Prince Harry and Adam Peaty).

Couples don't always have to do everything together though.

He could see his parents whilst she sees hers for example.

Hi I have 2 sons and always feel we are 2nd choice though I think things are changing.
Don't show your disappointment just go with the flow. They are probably just finding their feet and will come around eventually.

Your feelings are valid of course but you are still BU.

It is more common for sons to spend more time with their GF's/wife's parents than their own once they are in a relationship. This will likely be the case too if they have children. It will do no good to keep comparisons of how much time they spend with you vs her parents.

An auntie on my dad's side is like this and it is very toxic. Mind you she is nuts but recently she has started kicking off about all the times we didn't go to my paternal grandparents' house for Xmas when we were little kids but went to my maternal GPs instead (we were never invited to my paternal GPs on Xmas day and we always went on boxing day to see them), and she also kicks off that I spend more time with my other auntie my mum's sister rather than any of my paternal aunties. We have never been close to my paternal side at all so I don't get why she is kicking off now when I am in my thirties. All it has led to is me and my DB having even less to do with her or that side of the family due to her toxic behaviour.

Men are autonomous adults with their own decision-making capacity.

I don't buy this get-out clause on the basis of strategic incompetence for one minute. Men certainly seem sufficiently competent to comandeer the vast percentage of high status occupations.

It was a diversion - some might say a derail. I'd spotted a scenario that sounded identical to my own situation and responded to it.

This wasn't meant to sound as though I'm insinuating OP was the same. If I've come over as having said so, apologies.

Is does feel hard sometimes

My adult dd and her dp and dgc were spending Christmas alone, just the family. All fine, I support whatever decisions they make. I subsequently discovered that they had gone to his Mum's. Apparently it was quite spur of the moment, because his brothers had decided to go, but it did hurt knowing they were having a big happy family gathering and dh and I were on our own (other dcs also doing other things).

However, dh and I had the most wondeerful chilled and decadent day. Other years will be different.

In the meantime enjoy your holiday with the rest of your family, and if possible keep the option open for your son and gf to join you last minute for a few days.

Yeah and the boyfriend is happy to let her, it seems!

i know ….that’s why I wrote it…..because generally women are social organisers…..and men are not 🤷‍♀️

But his gf is dictating the flow

I found this an interesting read, as I’m experiencing something similar at the moment!

Boyfriend and I have a baby. In laws are retired and live 20mins away. My parents both still work but have Mondays off, and live an hour and a half away. Since our baby has been born, my parents tend to come on a Sunday afternoon, stay over and leave Monday evening. My boyfriend adores my parents and it was his insistence they have this routine, when I was pregnant he set up the spare room for them and went mattress shopping with my dad, to make sure my dad was happy with the chosen one etc. On Sunday afternoons, we either cook a roast or go out for one with my parents, or sometimes my boyfriend and I go out together whilst my parents (happily) babysit. My boyfriend works FT so I usually go out a long walk or lunch or something with my mum and dad on the Monday.
His parents live a lot closer and tend to see them for shorter periods of time, more ad hoc. We had no issues in the first couple of months, but recently we have noticed some jealousy from them about the amount of time my parents spend here. We’ve invited them to join us all for Sunday dinner and they sheets decline making comments like “no, we know that’s precious time with your parents” said rather sarcastically. They used to pop in at least one weeknight and some point on a Saturday. Whereas now we’ve started to notice they just turn up unannounced when my parents are here. They never come on a Saturday anymore, rarely on a weeknight. But they’ll come within minutes of my parents arriving on a Sunday (they know they tend to get here for 2ish) and take the best seats, want the first cuddles with the baby. They also note have started rocking up on Monday daytime, again knowing my parents are here and my boyfriend is working. It can be really inconvenient as sometimes they come just as we’re getting ready to go out, and multiple times they’ve turned up whilst we are out, and then send victim like texts , for example “just popped round to see baby but you’re not in 😢”. Boyfriend and I definitely feel like there’s some sort of jealousy here and it’s almost like they are trying to sabotage our time with my parents, instead of just coming when they know my parents aren’t there, and enjoying our company then. My boyfriend has raised it with them a few times but they just laugh it off say he’s looking for problems that don’t exist. I just feel like they’re making rods for their own backs with this behaviour!

do you think it’s also about what we model to them? So if your sons see their dads not bothering to work at relationships with their own families they assume it’s not their responsibility either?

just something to think about for those posters saying how their husbands don’t bother making time for their families…

With respect I think you and the previous poster are projecting. There is nothing in the OP's posts to indicate that she is toxic in this way she's just sad that her son prefers to spend time with his gf's family over his own.
I have a dd so no skin in this game but she happily spends time with her boyfriends parents and has been away with them several times (as well as holidaying with me) so it isn't 100% a given that this will happen although sadly it does seem to occur a lot.

Have you read the majority of responses to this post?

My MIL doesn’t even acknowledge me in my own home, I am purely the vessel to birth her grandchildren. She will happily eat my food, comment on my decor, tell me what I should be doing for work, but won’t thank me for my hospitality or even say hello when she arrives.

Mine is exactly the same. Except the last time she visited my home she ate my food, accepted my hospitality, refused to speak to me at all and when I wished her a safe drive home dismissed me with a sharp gesture.

It was the first time I'd seen her since I had almost died from complications following a serious accident. I didn't expect concern or to be asked how I was: a simple 'hello' would have sufficed.

That was the final straw following years of passive aggression. She hasn't set foot in our home since.

I would hardly suggest OP is being “left behind” by an adult DC who has not yet moved out her home but chooses to spend more time out of her house.

A grown man still under his mother’s house, still spending time with his family just not necessarily “as much” time as he does with his GF’s family is perfectly normal. He obviously just wants to spread his wings a little.

I wouldn’t even assume that it’s anything to do with her parents. Perhaps he feels more of an adult in another family’s house than with his own family. You are in default mum setting, which you should be. But that means he will still feel more like a child with you than he is able to feel away from you.

Give him time to move out and find his feet. That’s literally all he wants to do.

OP I doubt your son wants to hang out with his in laws more than you he just wants to spend more time with his GF and she wants to spend time with her family. It's a bit of a stereotype (that's not always the rule), but girls do like to spend more time with their parents as they get older than boys do (I like going on holiday with my Mum but my DH never went on holiday with his parents again in adulthood and my brothers never did either), your DS is just following his GF around.

I guess you could try to make more effort with the GF, perhaps instead of guilting DS into spending more time with you? Xx

It sounds that although they spend a bit more time with her parents, they still have a good relationship with you. With the holiday it is possibly due to limited leave they can take. They presumably also want to spend time together as a couple. It's okay to feel a bit hurt but I wouldn't turn it into a point of stress or conflict.