To feel sad my adult son prefers his girlfriends parents to his own

I think it can be true that women stay as involved with their family as before marriage & men don't.

But perhaps those men never made that much effort & it becomes more obvious after marriage?

In my experience it isn’t true. I think it’s a self fulfilling prophecy.

So sorry you’re going through this. As a parent to two daughters this is my biggest fear. Sending strength xx

Why do you think it isn't true? Interested to hear other opinions.

Wow, so insightful, no one has said that on this thread yet!

Untrue.

A daughter is yours for life, but a son is yours until he finds a wife. Sad but true

Quite often they are the problem though - so many of my friends openly admit that they feel their parents should have priority over the in laws because ‘that’s just the way it is’ even if their in laws are lovely and supportive etc

. Even my own mum was livid with me when I spent Xmas with DH’s family as she very much bought into that saying and felt I was being disloyal to the family.

Basically I just think that saying should be retired altogether !!

Obviously I’m not saying the wife should be the main driver in the relationship as of course it should be the son who drives it but there are some women out there that go out their way to exclude the in laws.

Agreed. But I was simply stating the general status quo although obviously, like anything else, it doesn't apply to all men. Is your adult DS married and does he have in-laws?

It’s okay to be hurt. But it can’t be 50/50 all the time. If they stay together then time will be shared across a lifetime. They can’t holiday with you and with the inlaws every year forever - they wouldn’t have any time for their own holidays!

this transition is hard for you but make this time about celebrating his independence and achievements (a nice relationship, a new home) and not about you. This will play out better for you in the long run.

Men in general don’t both as much as women socially. DH makes far less of an effort with his friends and family than I do with mine and as a result we see far less of his friends and family. I stopped doing Christmas presents for them years ago and as a result they only very occasionally get a rather random gift off DH. He just doesn’t care! I’m sure his family place the blame on me but I refuse to do the entire mental load.

It all boils down to if the male can be arsed.

Can he be bothered to arrange to go.
Can be bothered to send that text or make that phone call.

Were as visiting her family is his partner saying I’m going to mums you coming? Dads offered to pay for a holiday should we go? I’ll sort the details.

Holiday example if he answered instantly no they had either talked in advance on the possible or he couldn’t even be bothered to talk to her about it.

I think they are either the type of man who cares and can be bothered or the type who only appears when it’s to their benefit or they have no better offers.

But as always it’s easier to blame the person who you didn’t raise as you then have to see their faults.

Plus why take a day off from blaming women for men being a bit shit. 😅

Of course they could just prefer spending time with SIL than with us, which is fine, but any distance is entirely created on their part, not DHs. It actually makes him a bit sad!

I think it also becomes a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy. I am fairly close to my in laws, they are lovely people. However they make far more time for SIL than they do for us, invite her for more special occasions etc, I think on the assumption that we’ll be busy with my family (we’re usually not!). It’s like they just took for granted that DH would distance himself after marriage (probably because they’ve heard that ridiculous saying so many times 🙄), and ended up distancing us instead.

I find it interesting when people say daughters tend to stay closer to their families. I think because its said a lot it becomes an accepted truth even when its not. When men are close to their families it isnt seen as proof the rule is wrong- just they are an exception. But when I look at the families I know there are just as many exceptions as the ones that follow the rule.

I'd say I'm closer to my partners family than mine. What struck me in the OP was when she said "we're close" my mum would say this too- but for her its much more an apperances thing. She likes being able to tell everyone what a close relationship she has with her kids and doesnt that make her a great person. When you actually look at what is going on, it isn't the case at all.

I think rather than looking at it as a competition, or closeness, OP should actually decide what she wants to happen. If you want them to come round- invite them; if you want to go on holiday- suggest it. But do it proactively- not you've done it with the IL so we want our share.

@GreenPoms I quoted that up thread and I believe it is generally true. I have a daughter who has to ‘remind’ her husband to call his Mum. Constant prompting for everything Mum/sisters (he has 3) related. He initiates nothing himself.

I have a son too. I am the bottom of his pile. If he were to have a girlfriend/wife I doubt he would ever be in touch himself. I have raised both my kids with the same values. I would even go so far to say that I have pandered more to my son growing up than my daughter.

I also have two brothers who didn’t bother with our Mum. I have seen it time and time again and not just in my family.

I don’t think it is true.

I don’t agree. The daughters in this context are not the problem, because they are not the ones who are not seeing their family. It is the men.

And parents raising daughters who say the same thing are also part of the problem

Personally I don't think that is the implication at all. In my experience it is because men are too lazy/disorganised to prioritise time with their own families and when kids come along women naturally want to spend more time with their own families so its never going to be equal. The best you can hope for is a good relationship with son and partner so that you actually get to see them some of the time. I've got boys and I'm fully expecting to be treated the way my mum has been but I wont be holding it against them either.

And actually, if a person is raising sons with the attitude that “your daughter is your daughter for life. Your son is your son until he takes a wife”, that parent is probably part of the problem.

Just because lots of people repeat a saying, it doesn’t make it true. The implication behind the saying is that a man is controlled by his wife.

Then men need to step up, instead of leaving it to women, especially when women are the ones who get blamed.

I have an adult DS, and he spends at least as much time with us as anyone else. That’s because he makes the effort.

And when that isn’t happening, we should stop and ask the real question: why doesn’t our adult DS want to make that effort? Why is he happy seeing more of his in-laws?

I thought this was quite common? I have a son whose gf parents are just awesome, lovely people and a daughter who thinks hers are a pain in the neck. Oh and very in her life too! Good job I don’t mind. It’ll settle, maybe they put on a show when son is around? Don’t worry.