To feel sad my adult son prefers his girlfriends parents to his own

• also do they have to pay for your hols /with her parents

@SunMoonandChocolate excellent advise ! Esp on the key part and being able to call in unannounced

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Op does he have a key ? Does he feel complety relaxed at your house eg can he help himself to milk /tea etc without having to ask permission

As others have said, his life isn't a piece of cake that he has to share out equally.

We're you making sure his girlfriends parents had equal time when they were on holiday with you.

I have 2 adult sons, and sometimes they spend more time with their partners families, and sometimes they spend more time with me, I never really think about it or compare.

I do, however, make sure I have a relationship with their partners as well, we often go for coffee or lunch or to a gig by ourselves and I keeping touch with them separately to my sons.

It's just part of the process of growing up, sometimes they need you and want to be around a lot, other times they are fine and do their own thing.

One of the many hypocrisies I notice on Mumsnet…the same women who bleat on about ‘equality’ and monitor obsessively the number of drops offs/pick ups/sick days/annual leave/housework their DHs aren’t doing their fair share of suddenly have zero issue with falling back on the traditional stereotype of the female’s side of the family taking precedence.

If your son’s GF is one of those who value true equality, then yes absolutely she should be demonstrating the same degree of respect to you as she demands for her side. And also sharing the driving- my brother GF is a joke, describes herself as ‘an independent woman’ whilst my brother drives her around at 33! How embarrassing- I was on the road aged 18!

Please don't start monitoring the time spent...that road will lead to utter misery

Instead just glance over the relationship with her ,how she may feel around you just in case it could be better

No it’s not on her.

But the op is without thinking maybe blaming the girlfriend and her family for her son pulling away.

When it’s a natural part of growing up becoming an adult and settling down. She talks about equal time spent like his a toy to be shared rather than a human with his own thoughts and feelings.

The way she is thinking is what will sour a relationship with him and his partner if it comes to light.

I have the same thing with one of my sons. We were incredibly close but now his whole love revolves around his girlfriend's family. They bought a house 5 minutes away from them and an hour and a half away from us. Spent the whole of Christmas and New year with her family. We begged and begged to see them but they were always busy. Eventually they allowed us to go round on Sunday 28 December in the morning. Nothing we can do about it other than keep our mouths shut and be thankful for what we get.

Was your question aubu to feel sad about this?

Because if so, no you are not.

My sons partners parents are a lot younger than us and a fun couple. My son has been on holiday with them. He also goes to rugby matches with the dad. He still loves us but lives near them now so of course he sees them much more .

Oh dear OP, I'm afraid you're setting yourself up for a fall by thinking this way. Sad to say, it's so often the case that the male in a relationship, tends to end up seeing more of his girlfriend/wife's parent than his own. There's an old saying which goes something like, 'a daughter's a daughter all of her life, a son is a son 'til he gets him a wife'. Just be grateful for the time that they do spend with you, and if you take my advice you will put NO PRESSURE whatsoever on them to spend time with you, or point out that they spend more time with her parents, and it's not fair. You are far more likely to continue to receive visits if you keep your mouth firmly shut, and just make them really welcome every time they call in. Make sure that your son always has a key to the family home, encouraging him to pop in and help himself, if he's ever in the area and wants to use the loo, have a cuppa, whatever, and even if he only comes in for 5 minutes, tell him how lovely it was to see him, but don't ever say 'Oh you must stay longer next time', or anything along those lines, as it immediately shows that you are dissatisfied with what he is prepared to offer. Also, I hate to say it, but prepare yourself that in the future, if and when your son has children, you are far less likely to be asked to babysit, than his in-laws, as a mother will almost always favour her own mother for babysitting, advice, etc. It's sad, but I'm afraid does tend to be a fact of life when you have sons.

I don’t think it’s on any woman to tell her partner when to visit or call his parents , that’s on him! The same way for her DS it’s on him, I don’t think the OP is blaming the gf at all.

OP, I get it and am in the same boat but with me it’s Dd who likes spending more time with her bf’s family than us. And sadly they’re the other side of the world so Dd flies out there for months at a time! She’s literally spent 6 months the other side of the world this last year!

You said you raised him to be his own person and make his own choices, which he is now doing. Maybe her family do things differently, and more as a group, which is why she's continuing in that way- and bringing him along too. You also said that they have been on holiday with you before, so maybe it's just this year, that they can't do both, rather than that they won't holiday with you at another time.

Yes. You're unreasonable to expect that

As an adult did and do you make sure every time you ring your parents you called dh’s? Everytime you just popped in you popped in to his?

Everytime your parents happened to call in, did you make dh ring his parents to call in?

Or did you just live your life and visit each side as and when was good.

Honestly OP you are not being unreasonable at all. You’re hurt. It’s your son. You are invested. You love him.

Unfortunately the quote ‘a daughter is a daughter all of her life, a son is a son till he takes a wife’ is all too true.

Your DS is not the TV remote. He doesn’t need to spend equal time with each set of parents. Good relationships don’t need everything tallied up and counted. Maybe they preferred the destination her parents are going to, and felt that one week was plenty. Perhaps they don’t have finances for a second holiday when they have a new house to settle into. Perhaps they want to start spending less time with the parents and actually be an adult couple finally.

YABU. If you start demanding equal time like some kind of warped custody hearing you are going to make them uncomfortable. They should want to spend time with you - and it sounds like they do. Let your DS find his feet as a man. He’s trying to fly the nest a little. At least give him a chance to miss you.

So you taught him to be his own person and now you’re upset he’s doing that?

YANBU to feel hurt but you are unreasonable to think they should make sure they split it all out evenly. And if that attitude, or that attitude that you no longer think he’s his “own person”, comes out at all (even subconsciously) it won’t help.

Four grown kids two of each, yes my daughters and various partners over the years have spent more time with me than the other persons family, I am very chilled and think that everyone should do what they like, so if we were to all go on holiday no pressure to spend any time together but we always would. My oldest son will come with us without his partner, no judgement, I see that his partner chooses to spend time doing his own thing, no problem at all, and if my son doesn't want to come, also fine. My youngest son will often choose friends or cousins as they maybe doing something more exciting, fine, as long as everyone is happy I'm happy. Please don't make it a competition, that's not fair on anyone.

But you said it. You taught him to be his own person. And he is being. She isn't. And now she is his nuclear "family" (even if just girlfriend) so if she needs her family then so does he.

Try not to be jealous. He won't be thinking of it in that way

No advice… slightly back hopping! As I’m in similar situation but it’s with my DD. Sadly, it appears the BF has slowly been brain washing her in subtle ways so it doesn’t get noticed so can’t be challenged, but as her Mum, when you know… you know.
situation has escalated since they moved out in July & had a baby in November. I have only seen my DGD 3 times in 9 wks, they live less than 1 mile away. It’s soul destroying when I was always my DD safe place.

Also would you feel the same if it was his friends rather than his girlfriend and her family.

If not why?

They are adults, they can spend their time as they wish. I understand why you feel sad but you cannot expect equal visiting time, just enjoy the time they do spend with you.

How does your son get on with his dad?

He is an adult not a toy or a bag of sweeties to be shared equally.

He is choosing what he is doing. Unless you honestly believe he is being controlled.

But the amount of Dils who are blamed for their partners pulling away when it’s simply just and I know it hurts poor men having no real interest in making plans with their family is huge.

How are you with his partner? If you’re anything like my MIL, you have made snide comments about his partner, you’ve made negative comments about how they live their lives, he’s ignored them, but they’ve decided they’d rather be around people who are positive towards them. I’m not saying this is definitely you, but it’s worth examining how you talk to and about them.