To feel sad my adult son prefers his girlfriends parents to his own

I've tried to make family live fun for our dc , so they end up choosing us. But who knows? What i think is fun, the dc might actually hate.

I don't think it is always gender lines either. My dad chose to live v close to him mum and saw her all the time. Worked well for us- we spent loads of time with both GPS.

I think a lot comes down to personality. I loved the parents of one my bfs; they were so much more fun than my own. I would have happily have been the dil there. I just fell out of love with the son.

Dh's dad though.... what a fucking trial he was. We saw him as little as possible.

A lot of men are like this. They simply view their birth family as temporary family till they find a partner.

“AIBU to think they should share time equally?”

Yes you are, OP. It depends on lots of things - geography being one of them, and the fact that girls often prefer to spend time with their mother rather than their MIL, where boys don’t seem to mind so much. My DS spends far more time with his DW’s family because they live much closer to them than to us, and his DW is a lovely family girl who is close to her own DM and DSis. It’s just the way it is. Someone upthread complained about women “wanting to have it all their own way” - I really don’t think that’s the case. I do think, though, that people who impose their “turn” on the DC, eg for Christmas etc are being unfair - what if they want to spend it at their home without either set of parents? What if one side of the family suffers a bereavement - must “turns” be rigidly observed? As for the OP, the only person you will upset if you try to guilt your DS into spending equal time with both sets of parents is yourself, because there may be all sorts of reasons for why they’ve decided not to - the holiday thing may be due to limited annual leave, for example. Don’t be the MIL from hell - you’re far more likely to see them if you let them come on their own terms.

You sound very demanding. You’ll drive them away if they know you’re thinking like that. The daughter is arranging things with her family. Your son is not arranging things with his (you). That’s on him, not her. He should make plans with you, that is not her job. My partner is the same, maybe it’s a male thing. We wouldn’t see his family for weeks on end unless I tell him we haven’t seen them all week, we therefore should pop over to theirs for an hour or so. Daughters naturally have a close relationship with their mothers, I’d see mine every day if I could, whereas once a week or less is enough for my partner to see his - he doesn’t have the same attachment.

My mil doesn’t like me so I wouldn’t go that far 😅

‘A daughter is a daughter all your life a son is a son till he finds a wife’

6 children , 2 girls and 4 boys.
The girls definitely call the shots in their relationships in our family, with regard to Christmas, holiday /weekend preferences -but I’d say that’s largely because we are quite invested with them in terms of the grandkids (despite still working full time and having a busy life ourselves lots of travel etc) more so than the other side -retired but sedentary and distant.
With the boys a mixed bag
The eldest two I think by and large divide time equally - no kids but I can see with one, his lovely girlfriend is so close to her mum and dad that if they have a family they will probably move closer - about 360 miles away
the other son- constant battle for him as DW doesn’t want to spend time with his family or friends only hers - which of course is their business- but a constant battle for him I think to crowbar us in and makes him very sad

You sound lovely and like someone who makes an effort with both of your parents. I’m sure both sets of parents value their relationship with you greatly.

You need to let this go and stop concerning yourself with how much time they’re spending with each set of parents before grandchildren come along or you’ll drive yourself mad and them away completely.

Of course they don’t have to make sure they spend equal time with you and its quite usual for the woman in a relationship to spend more time with her mother than her MIL, and for the man to ‘go with the flow’ as another poster said.

Looking at my own family, I think once children are in serious relationships they do tend to spend more time with the girl's parents than the boy's, and that is likely to become even more obvious if their relationship continues to the point where they have children.

Don't worry about it and certainly do not become competitive. Just make sure your home is a loving place where they enjoy to spend time and are always welcome, and you will get to see them.

I weirdly spend more time with my in-laws than my family despite the fact I’d rather not because dh wants to and I respect that.

I do however call my parents for chit chat I wouldn’t call his unless an emergency.

l actually get panicky if I see their number calling thinking something terrible must of happened to someone so I don’t ever ignore their calls like I would my own family 😅

Unfortunatley I’ve seen this happen in my own family and many others. I have two ds and won’t be having another.

People will try and say it’s not the case but that’s what I’ve experienced. The maternal grandparents are normally closer to the dgc too.
Personally it’s one of the reasons I would have loved a dd alongside my ds.

Don’t play pick me with them, live your life Op. Every time you include them it should be an invitation not a summons.

Yet if a woman suddenly disowned her parents and started spending all her time with her husband’s parents, he would be labelled abusive and controlling on here. He would be vilified for isolating her. But no issue when it’s Nicola driving this eh?

YABU. It's the way of the world and if you try to push it, you'll push him even further away. Honestly, you sound a bit smothering. So does the girlfriend's father, but that isn't really your problem.

Normal. Imagine it hurts. Haven’t got there yet. Watch the Beckhams and learn. It’s very dangerous territory.

He probably can't commit to a second holiday so quickly as he has already committed to one. They all cost money.

Maybe next year if you get in first.

Thats untrue. I have many friends who are utterly disrespectful towards their ILs, who they admit haven’t done anything wrong. Point blank refuse to alternate Christmas, etc.

If I was a man having other things counted up and compared constantly, then I’d massively push back on this. I’m raising my son to know that he has equal rights to time with his side of the family. Equality works both ways, not women having everything their own way. Highly immature.

I also hope that if you have a son, you’ll be happy to barely see him in the future? Doubt it.

@Screamingabdabz and sometimes it is isn't it ! An oscar act and you see on here women who thought they got on well with their mils get a text meant for someone else moaning /bitching/berating them
..

He doesn't necessarily prefer her parents, but does prioritise her. As he should if it is a serious relationship.
I'm a boy mum and don't love that it often goes that way, but I'm prepared that it is likely!

The in laws also invited them on holiday first, maybe if you had it would be different but thats life 🤷🏼‍♀️

And why do you think that?

@ManyPigeons yes and no.
Often girls are more comfortable in their family arnt they and can push back where necessary.

People tend to mock this rhyme on MN but I’ve seen it play out in my long life time and time again. Of course there are exceptions but the general premise seems to hold true.

I feel for you op - it’s so sad when sons neglect their parents like this. Try to stay open and positive. Try to win your DIL over with your easy breezy and charming hospitality (even if it is all an Oscar worthy act). Play the long game.

Oh, to hell with that! Just book a weekend break to Venice by yourself. The Gondoliers have got lovely thighs...

Probably because the woman’s side taking precedence is only Because girls are taught to prioritise family, to not upset family and to ensure they see family. She’s not demanding she is simply planning things to do with her side.. he’s welcome to do the same.

Men seem not to give a shit about their parents. And it’s their responsibility to ensure they see and care for them. It is not the wife’s job to remind John/James/Harry that they haven’t visited/called his parents in 2 months.

It’s not hypocritical at all to want their husband to do 50% of the housekeeping and child rearing and… also expect him to drive the plans with his own family if he wants to do so.