To feel sad my adult son prefers his girlfriends parents to his own

I think the point is he isn’t being his own person if he now runs everything past her father before making a decision

@Differentforgirls

i didn’t though! What’s wrong with OP investing some of her time energy effort into herself??

Beautiful.

You got your answer.

I'd like to add a slightly different perspective/piece of advice for you OP, which comes from Tom Hanks;

"Time is your ally, and, if nothing else, just wait"

In other words, things change, dynamics shift, relationships move forward, nothing ever stays the same, good or bad. For now, live your life, in whatever way is meaningful to you, be the bright and beautiful you that you have always been, keep on walking, don't look back.
One day, sometime from now, you will find that it is your son who is seeking you out, asking to join in the things you have planned. You and his father and brothers are his touchstone, and he will find his way back to you all, in time.

Take care x

@Differentforgirls

errr you didn’t answer my question…why was my previous post on this thread rude? Is that because it wasn’t actually rude at all? And certainly not indicative that I don’t have children and it being a good job I don’t

Good. You receive what you give. Rude reciprocated 👍

@Differentforgirls

eh?? My other post was encouraging OP to invest some time, energy and effort into herself after years of investing most of it on her children - something she herself said, she is important too! How does that make you so sure that I don’t have children and that if I didn’t that would be a good thing?? I think that’s pretty rude tbh…

Are you always this rude? Or it could be a complete lack of education, manners and the result of a bad upbringing. It’s obvious you don’t have children given your other post on this thread.

Probably a good decision tbh.

@Differentforgirls

“The way I look at it is that I lived with my parents for 23 years and have lived with my husband for 38.”

what’s the relevance of that?

The way I look at it is that I lived with my parents for 23 years and have lived with my husband for 38.

My sons will do the same.

It’s the natural order of things.

However, my husband’s mum is still one of his favourite people (and mine).

I feel for you, OP, I have a young DS. We are way closer to my husband's family than my own, which is very scattered and dysfunctional.

My MIL had two boys and my BIL is lovely but they live in a different city and just can't see his side as much with young children. They do weekly video calls and my MIL is not possessive at all, she gets on really well with SIL's family and doesn't place any expectations on them to come and visit more often. It's how I'd hope to be as a future MIL. I think best you can do is keep investing in a good relationship with your DS and his gf, invite and welcome but without pressure or sulking.

Could just be that they've already committed to the family holiday on her side this year and only have so much annual leave. Invite them to spend next Christmas at yours?

I don't know why but I think there is often a lot of jealousy on the MILs part from what I can tell. It sounds like you have gone about things the right way. Communication is a massive thing that a lot of families get wrong. Miscommunication and lack of communication. You are winning at communication @Differentforgirls. 👏

I honestly think boys don’t drift.

Try not to take it personally. It might be because they get on with her siblings so feel they have someone their age to hang out with on holiday too. Or maybe the holiday location is more appealing. I’d probably just say it’s sad they can’t make it but you understand and sound excited about their holiday plans so they come round and tell you all about it

Really common for girls to stay close to their families and boys to drift.
Maybe her family are giving advice as they are helping her with finances.

Thank you.

@DifferentforgirlsI think you’ve done the smart thing. Creating a loving and separate relationship with your DIL is by far the easiest way to ensure you see your grandkids and your son.

You just have to accept that generally children are inherently selfish. You'll love them and do more than they would ever do. The cycle will repeat when they are parents.

I think the fact that I have developed a relationship with my DIL separated from the one with my son helps. We also just treat her the same as our sons and don’t do the “turns” thing. We want them to come to us or with us to things because they want to, not because they feel they have to.

For you maybe, I don't think it is common though. You're one of the lucky ones. Keep doing what you're doing.

I vowed even before my children were born that I would never be 'that' parent. When we were married, we started going to DH's parents for holidays because by that time, mine had died. That continued until we moved to the same town and took over hosting.

However, hearing MIL talk about 'their turn' to have BIL and SIL and their families made me cringe. I hated the idea that there were competing parents who had 'equal rights' of visits when their own children were grown. I saw how this worked in practice - stressed MIL wanting to create a 'better experience ' when it was 'her turn' (and who actually made Christmas in particular, very difficult for those of us who did turn up because she would spend the time machinating about how she could leave us and travel to see the 'missing one(s) for a small part of a day), families with young children who would have preferred to be at home in familiar surroundings instead of being fussed around after a lengthy journey and parents, not only tired from travelling (and concerned about another lengthy journey home) but also from the constant competition between sleepless children and demanding jobs.

I wanted better for my children. I wanted them to do what was right for their families without worrying about me, I wanted them not not feeling guilty and I wanted them to fully enjoy the time they spend with us - whenever that worked for us all.

So whenever plans are brought up for discussion, my only question is "Does that work for you?" and we fit in. If we feel that we haven't seen them for a while, we go to them - offering to take them out for a meal, for the ones who live close by, and staying in a hotel for those who live further away (and entertaining them in the hotel rather than expecting them to host us). It works for us now (I'm sure it will change as we age) and we spend zero time worrying about what they do with their other family.

It is reciprocated.

Interesting but even if you think it is a self fulfilling prophecy and actively try to not fall in the trap and do as much to stay in contact with your son, it has to be reciprocated by him and his wife/girlfriend. There wouldn't be so many posts like these from MILs and the converse posts from DIL who think their MILs are insufferable and suffocating if it was so easy to get the balance right. Personally I find family dynamics absolutely fascinating. I love OP's last post as well recognising that she is still massively important in his life but she needs to let him go a little bit as he's a man now.

Well done 'Bossie21', it's not easy to admit to having these feelings, or that we might not be seeing things clearly, but I think you've got things straight in your head now, and hope that given time your son will realise that Mum deserves a look in too. Happy 2026!