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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend being unreasonable .?

161 replies

Aprilmaymum · 02/01/2026 18:33

Happy new year everyone.
Friend of DP arrived at our house on New year eve saying his wife and him having problems and can he stay the one night. We agreed to one night only as to be honest we don’t have the space. New year day he was still here and still here now. DP explained that with three young children we cannot accommodate him . He is sleeping on our sofa and doesn’t get up on the morning so we are walking around him. DP spoke to him this morning again and he said he would help us out anytime which made my DP feel guilty. I want him gone. Apparently his wife has said she doesn’t want him back and has changed the locks and no one else will have him. One night was fine but I honestly think we should be saying he has to go where as DP said we should give him until after the weekend. What are other thoughts ?

OP posts:
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VaddaABeetch · 05/01/2026 12:34

VeneziaJ · 05/01/2026 10:01

If it were me I would take him down to Citizens Advice for first steps about his housing rights. His wife changing the locks needs looking at. He might also benefit from a reduced price or free initial appointment with a family Law solicitor lots of them will do this for a reduced fee or even free for an initial appointment. The local Citizens advice should have a list. He could also look at renting a room somewhere as he is working he should not struggle too much to find somewhere for the time being

Why? Why would the OP take an adult man to Citizen's Advice. This is not her problem to solve. What a bizzare thing to suggest

His wife throws him out so he becomes another woman's responsibility?

He's an adult, he's not even her friend but her husband's. OP has 2 children to look after, they are priority.

VeneziaJ · 05/01/2026 10:01

If it were me I would take him down to Citizens Advice for first steps about his housing rights. His wife changing the locks needs looking at. He might also benefit from a reduced price or free initial appointment with a family Law solicitor lots of them will do this for a reduced fee or even free for an initial appointment. The local Citizens advice should have a list. He could also look at renting a room somewhere as he is working he should not struggle too much to find somewhere for the time being

Pinkissmart · 05/01/2026 01:27

Air b&b

Dietday · 05/01/2026 00:16

nevernotmaybe · 04/01/2026 19:27

Not a single comment by op includes anything about either of them telling him to go. That part is just you justifying you being an unpleasant person at the core by making something up.

Show quote history

I suggest you re read the OP's posts.
Her husband told him twice in the opening post that it didn't suit them to host him but he pushed in.
At 19.01 the OPs husband told him he would have to go tomorrow.
At 22.15 he agreed to leave the following day.

At 12.12 the OP told him go home but he refused as he didn't want to cause at atmosphere at home for his children.

He eventually left according to her post 17.26

Its there in the clearest of language.
He was asked to leave, told it didn't suit multiple times by both OP and her husband from the very first post.
Perhaps focus on reading the OP's posts rather than accusing other posters of making things up.

Literacy and comprehension issues are very tedious to keep reading here.

Nantescalling · 04/01/2026 22:50

nevernotmaybe · 04/01/2026 19:27

Not a single comment by op includes anything about either of them telling him to go. That part is just you justifying you being an unpleasant person at the core by making something up.

Show quote history

I think she said at the beginning that her DP asked him to go.

nevernotmaybe · 04/01/2026 19:27

Dietday · 03/01/2026 18:54

This.
It isn't being kind to allow yourself and your house to be used and abused, certainly not when you have children.
He was asked to leave by your husband and refused? Really?
And you are ok with that?
Extraordinary.
Look at your priorities, your user friend certainly know his!
Not you or your family whom he was happy to inconvenience.

Edited
Show quote history

Not a single comment by op includes anything about either of them telling him to go. That part is just you justifying you being an unpleasant person at the core by making something up.

rainbowunicorn22 · 04/01/2026 10:33

you were kind enough to help in an emergency situation but as you have explained you have not the room long term.
as his wife has said not coming back he needs to look long term but in the meantime go to a travel lodge boarding house or similar.

Poshsmith · 04/01/2026 10:23

I had a similar situation, set boundaries now and do not hesitate. Cos if he stays you fallout anyway. Get him to leave now and don’t be guilted, not up to you to fix his marriage.

IDontHateRainbows · 04/01/2026 10:00

Liftedmeup · 04/01/2026 09:44

But you don’t know that. You’ve completely invented that scenario. For all we know, he’s just trying to flee from an abusive relationship.

Show quote history

True, I did just invent that scenario. Its a possibility. Anyway not really OPs problem.

Liftedmeup · 04/01/2026 09:44

IDontHateRainbows · 04/01/2026 09:22

I bet his wife has caught him having an affair and any mental distress is wholly self inflicted

Show quote history

But you don’t know that. You’ve completely invented that scenario. For all we know, he’s just trying to flee from an abusive relationship.

IDontHateRainbows · 04/01/2026 09:23

Aprilmaymum · 03/01/2026 17:26

He has just left. Gone back to his home after talking for most of the day with his wife.
My kids were all good as they were with the in-laws today. He is deep down a nice person. His wife always rules the roost from what I have learnt and threatens to kick him out regularly. We are soft people I do agree with a lot of your comments and that’s probably why he came to us but I am not changing to adapt to others.
thank you all for your comments and support.

So you are now the #1 sofa surf option next time she kicks him out.

IDontHateRainbows · 04/01/2026 09:22

Liftedmeup · 02/01/2026 18:43

I would give him longer. He may well be in a state of mental distress and I would want to help and not be too harsh.

I bet his wife has caught him having an affair and any mental distress is wholly self inflicted

Annteeta · 04/01/2026 09:17

Does he jointly own or own the house that is wife has thrown him out of? I don't think you can just throw a spouse out of a house and change the locks under UK law. He may have a legal right to remain there. Why is he not pursuing this?

binkie163 · 04/01/2026 09:09

Dietday · 03/01/2026 17:21

You and your husband are mugs.
He couldn't care less about your family, just cares about his own.
Honestly, we teach people how to treat us.
This doesn't happen to people who simply wouldn't entertain it.
I feel sorry for your children.
You are both putting his comfort, his family ahead of this lump being on your sofa.
He's a user.

Thank goodness. A lesson learned for the future that you put your kids first.

croydon15 · 03/01/2026 20:09

If it's both their house she can't change the locks and kick him out just like that.
I don't know whether the police could get involved

Nevereatcardboard · 03/01/2026 19:54

I’m glad he’s gone and I hope you enjoy the rest of the weekend with your family 😊

Dietday · 03/01/2026 18:54

SunMoonandChocolate · 03/01/2026 18:38

Thank goodness for that! At least now you and your DH will know NEVER to allow anyone looking for a roof over their head to stay at yours, even for one night!!

This.
It isn't being kind to allow yourself and your house to be used and abused, certainly not when you have children.
He was asked to leave by your husband and refused? Really?
And you are ok with that?
Extraordinary.
Look at your priorities, your user friend certainly know his!
Not you or your family whom he was happy to inconvenience.

ohyesido · 03/01/2026 18:46

Your DH asked him to leave and he simply didn’t?

SunMoonandChocolate · 03/01/2026 18:38

Thank goodness for that! At least now you and your DH will know NEVER to allow anyone looking for a roof over their head to stay at yours, even for one night!!

Londonrach1 · 03/01/2026 17:35

Op you just a kind person. Enjoy your evening with just your family x

Original poster
Aprilmaymum · 03/01/2026 17:26

He has just left. Gone back to his home after talking for most of the day with his wife.
My kids were all good as they were with the in-laws today. He is deep down a nice person. His wife always rules the roost from what I have learnt and threatens to kick him out regularly. We are soft people I do agree with a lot of your comments and that’s probably why he came to us but I am not changing to adapt to others.
thank you all for your comments and support.

OP posts:
Dietday · 03/01/2026 17:21

You and your husband are mugs.
He couldn't care less about your family, just cares about his own.
Honestly, we teach people how to treat us.
This doesn't happen to people who simply wouldn't entertain it.
I feel sorry for your children.
You are both putting his comfort, his family ahead of this lump being on your sofa.
He's a user.

Shinyandnew1 · 03/01/2026 17:21

So, it's now dark and very very cold.

Has he gone, or is he banking on the fact that you won't turf him out into aforementioned dark and cold?

Londonrach1 · 03/01/2026 16:25

Just tell him to book a Travelodge or Holiday inn. Your dh takes charge here

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 03/01/2026 16:22

For god's sake... go upstairs and put on your big girl pants.

Load his stuff in his car and say "okay good luck with finding somewhere locally... as an fyi most people consider an hour each way commute acceptable/normal"

As per my previous post...
Hope isnt a strategy.