My cousin “loves her DD more than a normal mother”

I think describing it as ‘loving more’ or the love or child being ‘more special’ is simplistic and tone deaf, but yes I do think there must often be a difference in the way people who have struggled with fertility feel about parenthood and their children. Not better, just different.

🤷🏻‍♀️ Are you a dick to people because of it like OP’s cousin?

This response to me tells me otherwise. Do you question everybody that has trauma or just the ones that suit the narrative? For what it's worth, my infertility trauma is very real.

Shit. You have been through a lot. Tbh, you must be pretty special to have such a great attitude after all that. x

Oh I think I’d let it go. It’s a reaction to her experience. You know you love your dc just as much.

Oh, go on then 😆 it’s “he’s not the messiah, he’s a very naughty boy!”

I’m not angry in the slightest. You’re all randoms on an internet forum to me, I can’t get actually worked up about it. But her cousin can still fuck right off. Trauma my arse.

I admit, I would find it hard to not say 'oh shut up Sharon, you tedious twat. I'm glad you got your precious baby you wanted, but don't fucking DARE tell me I don't love mine as much.'

Urgh, what a really mean thing to say. Why does she think she is?

What’s the line please? I’ve watched it but years ago and can’t remember. Now it’s really bugging me….. 😂 Please put me out my misery!

Hopefully she’ll get over herself eventually!
Depends what kind of relationship you have with her, either ignore or say something like she’s being offensive/making herself sound like an arsehole

I had a miscarriage in between my DDs so you could say my 2nd is more “special” but of course it doesn’t feel like that to me, I love them both the same

Absolutely not! How utterly ridiculous.

4 miscarriages and 6 rounds of IVF for DC1 I would die before letting anyone hurt a hair on his head - same as any other parent. I don't love him more because of the efforts taken to get him. DC2 was conceived by accident, should I love her less? Because I certainly don't.

[MN *head tilt]

I think I’d try a puzzled:

‘Wow, are you saying you’d love little Jonny less if you hadn’t had IVF? That’s so….. interesting’

I didn't say it was. I said it's likely the reason, didn't say it was ok.

What a load of piffle. Very arrogant and stupid to think she can quantify the measure and depth of love a mother has for their baby or child.

Anyway, please come back in 13 year’s time when her DD is a complete nightmare, and she’s pulling her hair out.

I’m very sorry for your loss too. I hope I’m not going to be talking out of turn but I wanted to share this thought with you.

I wouldn’t say it to someone’s face, but I do feel this way - but not because I think someone else loves their kid less or anything of the sort, but because I think I’m weak.

It’s definitely a reflection on my lack of ability to navigate hardships or loss, rather than a comment on the other person’s handling of, or feelings about, a situation.

I struggle to handle day to day life, let alone such a pain.

That someone is weathering the storm better than I feel I would doesn’t make me think badly of that person: it makes respect them immensely, as I imagine the strength required must be enormous - it makes me feel an inferiority. Not in a ‘you make me feel bad about myself way’. In a ‘oh my gosh this person is incredible and I fear I am not’.

It is a very selfish, self-centred moment to self-reflect - when someone reveals a loss to you, the conversation is about them. And that is why I wouldn’t say that I feel this way because instead of talking about their situation, their pain, their strength, you’re suddenly consumed with thoughts of your own ‘what would I dos’ and ‘what ifs’.

So while people who say that to you are being tossers, it might not mean they’re being tossers because they’re judging you - they may just be being a self-absorbed tosser who is thinking about their own short-comings rather than what the conversation is actually about.

I understand the wide berth, but again she will have trauma and that will be what causes her actions. Doesn't make it okay. She probably needs help and therapy.

My sister adopted her DD and it is often implied shes just abit more special than my DS because they choose her unlike me and my unplanned pregnancy 🙃 🤣

I’ve experienced lots of trauma in my life. It is not an excuse for being a dick.

My family member indicated her long-awaited, IVF only was more important in covid times, as we could all easily have another worst case, but she likely could not.

As I said; wide berth since then.

Why are you so angry? Her cousin is wrong but is likely struggling from the trauma of infertility. Have some compassion.

Yanbu. There is someone in our wider family like this; we all give her a wide berth. The sad thing is, the DC also ends up given a slightly wide berth because of her. Logistically it’s hard to see a child when you don’t want to suffer the mother.

Oh give over. Her cousin is nuts and lacking in emotional intelligence. She can fuck right off.

And as I said, it's because of the trauma of infertility and probably multiple losses, not because they think their child should live and other people's shouldn't.

I didnt for one minute think they would get special treatment. But I stand by what I say… to expect special treatment for your DC due to how they arrived in the world is honestly awful. It’s basically saying their DC are more precious than those who were conceived naturally, like it’s ok because they can just be replaced easily