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AIBU?

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Original poster

9yo step daughter spending 10-13 hours per day on her phone. Should DH step in?

134 replies

TakeALookAtTheseSwatches · 02/01/2026 15:25

DH bought his daughter a phone for her 9th birthday in September. The idea was so he could keep in touch with her while she's not here (he has her 50% of the time, week on, week off)

When she is here we have screen restrictions which are the same as our other kids; no screen time on weekdays other than to check messages (we do allow some TV) and on a weekend/school holidays they can have up to 2 hours (usually one on a morning and one on an evening)

However, when she's at her Mum's house she has asked DH to unrestrict her phone, having looked on the family link app she is spending at least 10 hours a day on her phone, split between YouTube and Roblox. The longest time in a single day was 13.5 hours. DH seems to think that because it's her Mum's house it should be her rules but I'm worried it's going to have a detrimental affect on her and I feel like DH could keep timed restrictions on YouTube etc even while she's not here. I'm especially worried as her behaviour has become significantly worse over the past few months and I think this is what's causing it.

YABU - when she's at her Mum's house it's her rules
YANBU - as her parent DH can keep the restrictions on her phone.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 02/01/2026 16:29

Wow.

9yos shouldn’t have smartphones in their lives because there are great risks to internet and app access. I’m surprised you’re only worried about length of time online rather than what she is viewing.

Roblox is notorious for malicious users looking for children - to the extent that child online safety experts often cite it as the app they would never let their children use.

YouTube opens up a world of really nasty things that could be damaging for a child to see. They don’t have to search - they could stumble into it.

Even if she doesn’t have a bad experience, it’s just addictive garbage. Get rid and give her a Nokia for calls.

RonObvious · 02/01/2026 16:28

TakeALookAtTheseSwatches · 02/01/2026 16:08

Her Mum asked DH to take the restrictions off.

Show quote history

That's really tricky - particularly if your DH isn't willing to push it. One thing to bear in mind though, is that she is probably too young to be on Roblox unsupervised (it can be a bit of a cesspit). It might be worth having a conversation about restricting that, or suggesting she should only be allowed access with an adult present (might be inconvenient enough to encourage the use of restrictions!). And definitely block apps overnight.

Original poster
TakeALookAtTheseSwatches · 02/01/2026 16:26

PrawnAgain · 02/01/2026 16:19

The first rule of step parenting is don't care more than the parents do. If her parents don't care enough about screen time to restrict then there's very little you can do about it. Might as well let it go.

Yeah I agree to an extent, it's affecting me and my kids though so I do think I should be allowed have some sort of opinion even if I don't get an actual day in the matter.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 02/01/2026 16:25

Did your dh have a conversation with her mum before buying their 9 year old a phone?

A 9 year old doesn’t have the maturity to restrict. He has caused a huge problem for all parents, and her, by buying her a phone in the first place. That was selfish, as it was for his benefit.

He has dangled the steak in front of her and now wants to remove it.

Original poster
TakeALookAtTheseSwatches · 02/01/2026 16:24

Everydayimhuffling · 02/01/2026 16:20

Why do you have restrictions on your DC's devices? Presumably because you believe that it's bad for them to have unrestricted access to them. So then why would you allow something from you to be used in a way that you think is bad for your DSD? He should absolutely be restricting the phone if he believes it's bad for her, wherever she's using it.

Well this is my point to him, I think he doesn't want conflict with his ex or to seem like the "bad guy" to his daughter.

OP posts:
MikeRafone · 02/01/2026 16:24

You can get non smart phone sims etc

so can keep in touch without the screen time

behaviou problems are linked to screen time in a detrimental way. Many studies show the negative affects of children’s brains and smart phones

Plankton89 · 02/01/2026 16:22

It’s not just about the time limit though is it… Roblox is actually dangerous.

Everydayimhuffling · 02/01/2026 16:20

Why do you have restrictions on your DC's devices? Presumably because you believe that it's bad for them to have unrestricted access to them. So then why would you allow something from you to be used in a way that you think is bad for your DSD? He should absolutely be restricting the phone if he believes it's bad for her, wherever she's using it.

PrawnAgain · 02/01/2026 16:19

The first rule of step parenting is don't care more than the parents do. If her parents don't care enough about screen time to restrict then there's very little you can do about it. Might as well let it go.

Monvelo · 02/01/2026 16:15

Yes I think he should keep the same set restrictions on the phone irrespective of whose week it is. Ideally I'd say it should just be a camera that texts, not data. But failing that I would block apps and limit time. You can use family link so she can still text and call when she's out of time.

Plankton89 · 02/01/2026 16:14

TakeALookAtTheseSwatches · 02/01/2026 16:07

And surely the whole point of the restrictions is that parents regulate it for them?

Show quote history

Yes, but once they have it, they nag and nag to be on it all the time. Which is probably what is happening at her mum’s house. She should not have been given it in the first place.

CinnamonBuns67 · 02/01/2026 16:13

I understand your concerns but yabu. It's her mum's house, her mum's rules. Just like when she's at your house, it's your and your DH's rules. You can only ever control your own household, not someone else's.

TY78910 · 02/01/2026 16:13

I’d be careful jumping to conclusions. My kid has an iPad and leaves it running in her room when she’s nowhere near it. It does say 13h YouTube but she’s 100% not on it anywhere near that. Also, does she have siblings there? They may also be using it.

ResusciAnnie · 02/01/2026 16:10

The mother is being pretty neglectful tbh. A 9 year old doesn’t need a phone in the first place and Roblox is an absolute hard no, it’s detrimental to their attention span at best and actively very dangerous at worst.

tripleginandtonic · 02/01/2026 16:10

MandemChickenShop · 02/01/2026 16:02

Between her Mum and Dad. Unlikely to be such a big deal onces she's back at school anyways

This.

FuzzyWolf · 02/01/2026 16:09

Surely your DH needs to have a conversation with his ex about what is screen time but ultimately, when in her mother’s care it is up to her how to parent. However, your DH could change the permissions for how much time she is allowed to play on her phone regardless of the home she is at.

Original poster
TakeALookAtTheseSwatches · 02/01/2026 16:08

RonObvious · 02/01/2026 16:04

When you say "she has asked DH to unrestrict her phone", do you mean her Mum has asked, or your step daughter has asked?

Her Mum asked DH to take the restrictions off.

OP posts:
Original poster
TakeALookAtTheseSwatches · 02/01/2026 16:07

Plankton89 · 02/01/2026 16:03

She should have been brought a brick phone, or no phone at all. The problem with these devices is that children cannot self regulate.

And surely the whole point of the restrictions is that parents regulate it for them?

OP posts:
BobblyBobbleHat · 02/01/2026 16:07

vanillalattes · 02/01/2026 16:03

This is what happens when a 9yo has a smartphone.

Quite, absolutely ridiculous.

RonObvious · 02/01/2026 16:04

When you say "she has asked DH to unrestrict her phone", do you mean her Mum has asked, or your step daughter has asked?

Plankton89 · 02/01/2026 16:03

She should have been brought a brick phone, or no phone at all. The problem with these devices is that children cannot self regulate.

Original poster
TakeALookAtTheseSwatches · 02/01/2026 16:03

MandemChickenShop · 02/01/2026 16:02

Between her Mum and Dad. Unlikely to be such a big deal onces she's back at school anyways

She's had the phone since September, even on school days she's spending 6 or 7 hours on there, basically the entire time she's not at school.

OP posts:
vanillalattes · 02/01/2026 16:03

This is what happens when a 9yo has a smartphone.

usedtobeaylis · 02/01/2026 16:02

Yes he should step in. Honestly it's far, far harder to roll back once you've got the phone than it is to just refuse the phone in the first place. There's no need for a smart phone in order to stay in touch so that doesn't fly. He's going to have to deal with rolling back her use of it now.

Original poster
TakeALookAtTheseSwatches · 02/01/2026 16:02

TeenageRooster · 02/01/2026 15:59

Agree it was a bad decision to get her a phone so early. At the very least he should put time restrictions on using Family Link. He's created this situation, now he has to step up and parent. Was he having trouble contacting her before the phone?

Yes, that's why he bought it. The comments about not buying a smart phone in the first place are fair enough but we don't necessarily have a problem with her being on apps/games with restrictions but the length of time is the problem imo.

OP posts: