9yo step daughter spending 10-13 hours per day on her phone. Should DH step in?

Regardless of what his ex wants - he initiated this by buying the phone in the first place.

In the ideal world he should have agreed this and the appropriate limits before giving his daughter the phone.

That conversation should probably still happen

But assuming it won't - I would use this an opportunity for him to engage his daughter in solving the problem together.

A chat about the positives and negatives of having a smartphone and how setting limits on phone usage/app usage is important.

Discuss and agree with her what this will look like. Make it feel cooperative and that she has some level of control over the outcome - a bit like teaching good money budget managing skills.

You can be quite specific with app time limits and still have access to the phone for calls/messaging etc. Set overnight downtime as a non-negotiable.

A 9 year old doesn't need a phone. Take it off her and give it back in high school.

1st thing you are taught in a Child Exploitation course I attended that was provided by the police, is that Roblox is seriously unsafe for children. I would never allow a child access after what I learnt.

That's a tough one as he shouldn't have bought her the phone without discussing boundaries with her mum. You have no control over what she does at her Mum's so I guess you just need to live with it and enforce the rules at your house or the phone stays at your house.

No 9-year-old needs a smartphone. This child has shown that she can't self-regulate and her mother doesn't seem to care about the unlimited screen time, so as a parent your DH should step in IMO. In his shoes I would probably take the phone away from her entirely and replace it with a brick phone. He could have avoided all the stress by not giving her a smartphone in the first place. What was he thinking?

Your daughter is in danger with that much online time.

I can tell you as a parent of a 13 year old i massively regret giving him access to a phone with apps..the Internet.. Snapchat. My younger child im being much stricter with

Obviously he is just as responsible as her mother if she is spending every waking minute on the phone

Lets not hide from the truth its absolutely gross that a child would spend that much time in front of any screen...let alone a smart phone

She should be playing outdoors or with her toys...reading...drawing ....

Your husband is mad if he is not getting immediately involved to take the phone away

I wouldn’t be happy with a 9 year old having a phone at all. I am away from my dc travelling for weeks at a time sometimes. They don’t need a phone to contact me. They have another parent who is perfectly capable of parenting and can reach out to me if needed.

But if he insists on her having a phone, it needs to be seriously restricted. 1-2 hours a day and I’d be allowing calls and messages only. No YouTube, no Roblox, no social media. Roblox is literally paedo central.

The problem with allowing the phone at her mum’s is that he isn’t present to properly monitor it. Someone needs to be actively checking it daily. The only 9 year old I know who had a phone was similar, living 50/50 between mum and dad. She was on TikTok posting all sorts of ‘sexy’ photos and had weirdos like ‘BigDaddy69’ following her because neither of her parents was present enough to take charge of monitoring her phone and keeping her safe. It got to the point that I had to stop sleepovers and play dates because I couldn’t guarantee my own dd would be safe given her unrestricted access to the internet.

Is there age restrictions on the apps so she can only watch what's deemed appropriate for her age group?
That's what I have for my 2 DC who are 7 and 11.

The length of time is not okay but it's life for some families.

I didn't like my children being on for 8hours+ so I sorted it.

You really cannot expect a 9 year old to be able to regulate their phone time themselves. That is on the parents. Terrible parenting to give a 9 year old a smart phone and access to apps.

Sometimes you only learn it's mad was to give a 9 year old a smart phone after you've already given them it and see how difficult it can be to keep a grip of the situation. If you already know, it's probably because you learned from others' mistakes, not because you're a super accomplished parent. The dad was just trying to stay in touch with his kid and made a couple of wrong decisions.

I’m absolutely appalled a 9 year old has a phone. They don’t need one. Presumably your DH was able to contact his daughter via landline and also her mother. I’d retract the phone immediately.

So its not your child and its happening in her mother's house? I think, whatever my views about children using phones, that there is not much you can do.

Madness to buy a 9 year old a smart phone

Why? It’s not her mums phone.

Well your DH is a twat and a half isn’t he? He made a stupid decision to give a 9 year old a phone and then expects his ex to police it?

He bought it, he should enforce the rules about it so he can be bad guy. So selfish of him to put this on the mother.

The op is not in a position to take the phone if the parents want her to have it.

As a parent, especially in the preteen and teen years, it's literally your job to be the bad guy.

Being the bad guy isn't fun, it can be met with sullen faces, door slamming or even tantrums, it's still your job. As a parent, you can see the pitfalls that a teen can't.

Those care collective you/your terms for all parents, not just you and your DH OP.

Looking back (my kids are now adults) it's not a lot different to parenting toddlers. The tantrums take different forms, but what you're doing is to protect them.

In your specific case OP, it's tricky because DD is at her mother's place part of the week, but if the mother isn't restricting the phone use, your DH still should. Unfortunately, it sounds like her mother doesn't want to be the bad guy either, she wants the phone unrestricted so she gets peace and doesn't have to deal with the issue either. At the end of the day, your DH has to know that spending that much time on a phone isn't good for a 9 year old, so it's up to him to be strong, be the bad guy and restrict the time. The 9 year old needs to know that it's an hour a day/half an hour a day, whatever you decide, or nothing.

I have a nine year old and can’t get my head around her having a smartphone at all. It should go. Particularly because you can’t possibly enforce rules in someone else’s house (which her dad would have realised if he’d thought about it for a moment).

What kind of crap parents let a 9 year old have a smart phone in the first place?

Nothing much you can do as the step
parent. They’ve created this monster.

You reap what you sow. He needs to step up and be a responsible parent

So she probably won't be receptive to trying to reduce the use of it? Did they discuss this before the phone was given?

Of course you can have an opinion but if the parents don't act on that opinion all you can do is try and minimise the impact on you and your children. Otherwise it will drive you nuts.

Ffs a 9 year old with a smart phone and unrestricted access?! Who TF does that. Take it off her and get her a brick phone. Roblox is dangerous. Never mind YouTube.