9yo step daughter spending 10-13 hours per day on her phone. Should DH step in?

Your husband could solve both issues - the 9 year old having a smart phone, and the disagreement with the child's mother - by removing the smart phone and replacing it with a brick phone.

honestly OP the only answer is a proper conversation between her parent.s. DH needs to pull up his bog boy pants and say to Mom that he's seen a change in her behaviour, given how much she's on it he assumes she's on it without Mom's full knowledge and he thinks they need to agree limits for both houses.

Utter nonsense. The mum can parent and clearly can’t be arsed to!

the poor mOm could have said No DD, Daddy has put the restrictions on there for a good reason. the rules apply at his AND here.

she didn't and that's her choice. she's chose to capitalise on the kid having a phone to get some peace and quiet, or so it seems!

But you said earlier that your DH took the restrictions off at the mother’s request. So your DH is also allowing unrestricted access to the internet too.

No, he wouldn’t be being unreasonable to have the same restrictions at her mum’s house. Presumably the restrictions were added for her well-being so they should continue in order to provide consistency. If her mum complains, all your DH needs to say is that she has restrictions at his house and he assumed her mum would appreciate restrictions too and that it would have been wrong of him not to provide them because they’re for their daughter’s wellbeing.

I’m guessing the daughter has been pestering her mum and that’s why she asked your DH to remove the restrictions. Tablets, phones, iPads are all evilly addictive, especially for the majority of children who simply can’t stop themselves playing Roblox, etc and watching mindless crap on YouTube. I found my DCs’ behaviour improved immensely once I put stricter limits in. They kicked off and got very shouty and grumpy at first, but that soon subsides and they actually start enjoying their toys, books, and physical games again, aswell as being in a better mood and sleeping better.

More fool him for buying her a smart phone at 9yo (he could have kept in touch on a dumb phone). That’s a ridiculous and damaging amount of time and yes he should keep up the restrictions when she’s at her mum’s.

He can still just get a brick phone - and swap the SIM over.

You're married to an idiot.

Sorry.

9 years old with a smartphone?
Have you looked up about how grooming can happen on roblox?

He needs to get rid of it.

Read it again.

But her mum has decided that while daughter is at home with her, there are no restrictions. Her father/DH agrees (from what you've said) but you don't. In this case, I think you are overstepping. Not because you are a stepmum, but because her parents are in agreement - that mum can make the rules while she's there. You can't tell a child's mother what they can do with their own child in their home. Unfortunately DH created the problem by buying his child a smartphone - his mum now has to manage the fallout. DH can still buy a brick phone and swap the SIM. Just because he bought the smartphone, doesn't mean they're stuck with it.

Yes clarifying that was a drip feed though that i hadnt seen, the OP said:

"However, when she's at her Mum's house she has asked DH to unrestrict her phone"

You'd assume both 'she's' in a sentence to refer to the same person so it sounded as if the daughter had asked, not the mum.

I would just put the restrictions back on tbh. My son had a phone at 9, so that he could cobtact me while he was at his dads, and contact his dad independantly. I do have screentime restrictions, no access to google, and parental approval for any apps. The novelty wore off pretty quickly tbh.

Oh and the restrictions stay on at his dads. The phone is for him to keep in touch, and as a back up if hes out on his bike . Not for endless youtube and gaming.

He needs to message his ex and inform her that he’s noticed DD is spending X amount of time online. Get Chat GPT to phase it in a non confrontational way, as she may not be fully aware given she doesn’t have the controls / data. It cannot continue, if she says she doesn’t want restrictions then he is going to have to over rule her as he bought the phone, now he has to deal with it. It’s 100% going to impact her.

The point is it is absolutely relevant for him to admit and acknowledge to himself that this is 100% his fuck up, and fix it from there. It was bang out of order of him to unilaterally decide something which the mum has to deal with the fall out for. A 9 year old who never had a phone will still be happily playing with whatever toys they like. A 9 year old with a smart phone will no longer happily play with same toys, and will instead get very upset when their phone is taken off them. If he decides to take it completely away the mum still has to deal with the fallout on her time. The fix starts with him holding his hands up, taking 100% of the ownership of being the bad guy.

A 9yo.
smartphone.
YouTube
roblox
13.5hrs/day in the holidays
6-7hrs/day on school days

This is so, so sad. And everyone saying “leave it to the parents” when OP’s house is the one suffering for the poor behaviour and where this poor child’s step-siblings live.

Yes I might be middle aged and a fuddy duddy but truthfully where is the good or benefit in ANY of this? Why do parents ruin their children like this? It’s like people giving their 9yo children a glass of wine every day, or two cigarettes. Why?

Assuming communication is reasonable between the parents, I think the dad should make sure the mum knows what's going on - she may not be aware that the daughter is spending so much time of HOW she's spending it; possibly she asked for it to be unrestricted in principle, or because the daughter wanted it, and didn't really think it through. I also wondered if she might be using YouTube as background noise while doing other things. I think it's OK for the dad to restrict the phone since he bought it and set it up, but at this point it would be better to get the mum engaged and present a united front especially if daughter's use seems excessive/inappropriate.

Why does a 9 year old need a smart phone? I know you say so she can keep in contact with her father on the days she’s not with him but is that really necessary at the age of 9? She could do this with a basic phone?

I don’t think a child really needs a phone until they start high school.

Of course 10 hours a day on a phone is crazy but your dh gave her a smart phone so she’s going to use it.

Yet another thread about kids and smartphones. Parents giving them a smartphone and then puzzling over why and how they’re on it so much 🤦‍♀️ . If it was just to maintain contact with your DH, a simple phone for the 9yo could have done that job. You might be concerned OP, but it’s for your DH and the DC’s mum to sort, you can just dial down their screen time when they’re with you, but you’ll need to go gently as it sounds like she is addicted now, so will need support to reduce any damaging screen time.

If he has a good enough relationship with her to check about the phone before he bought it, could he just speak to her about his concerns over screen time use?

Sorry if anybody has suggested this but have you tried asking ex or DD, or looking at her YouTube history? She could be playing “sleep” videos overnight for 7+ hours which might account for a huge chunk of the YouTube time.

Eg 5 hours of relaxing music and rain, 8 hours of cafe chatter, 6 hours of white noise etc, AMSR too or whatever it’s called

Eh? The mum is the one that's asked for the restrictions to be taken off.

Tbf, it's him that has placed restrictions on it.