9yo step daughter spending 10-13 hours per day on her phone. Should DH step in?

I noticed a previous poster suggested swapping for a brick phone, sounds like a good idea.

If that’s not going to work, then something like Kaspersky Kids will let him reduce the amount of time it can be used by her every day.

Wasn’t expensive when I used this for my son and worked well. I’m sure there are other options out there. My son is over 18 now! Hope it helps.

Yes absolutely. I’d argue it’s the only way to find long term boundaries that stick actually.

You might be surprised if you try. Sometimes they suggest things even more strict than you would have suggested. All the advise around screen times limits etc….recommends negotiating them through with your child.

Yes. I have a 32 (from when she was 9), 20 and a 14 year old.

Each one challenging in their own way. My ability to 'parent' each changed over time.

First, I was probably more traditional, so taking a more top down approach when it came to setting boundaries. This didn't always work as I was dealing with a traumatised child - realised I needed to research and develop new tools to manage.

Second, I was more relaxed and used lessons learned from the first in terms of involving her in age appropriate decisions about things in her life.

The youngest is autistic and has a very high demand avoident profile. Completely different set of skills needed when it comes to boundary setting - he needs to feel in control (stemming from his anxiety about his environment and feeling so out of control in so many areas of his life) - so I have to set boundaries in what on the surface looks a much more co-operative way - but is actually a very complex weighted negotiation, that both keeps him safe but also recognises his need to feel autonomous.

It's definitely not easy, but it can be done with practise. Essentially trying to develop a skill base using the language of co-creation, behavioural shaping, and collaborative autonomy. I was already using some of these techniques with no 2, but the 3rd was a crash course - if I hadn't changed quickly, family life would probably have collapsed by now. (I recognise this is a fairly extreme situation)

This is where the concept of 'gentle parenting' gets warped. So many people have adopted parts of the theories but miss the part where you have to actively work to change yourself to build a new skill set of parenting tools. It's not about giving children free reign or treating them as 'equals'. It's about the parent as the person with a more developed skill set using that 'authority' and knowledge to recognise the growing autonomy of a child and create an environment that recognises that.

You still have the same age appropriate controls/boundaries/expectations - it's just the 'how' you set them that changes. Any adult should be able to out negotiate an 9 year old. I think it helps to think of these as general communication tool sets rather than the more loaded 'parenting'.

I am not and don't claim to be a better 'parent' - very far from it actually. I have just been put into situations where I have had to learn/practise different communication approaches to essentially get to the same place.

Have you ever managed to discuss and agree on anything with a 9 yr old who want the diametric opposite of what you want - smart phones, a horse, whatever?

There is already similarities or parallels being drawn concerning screen time for children and the smoking debates of the 1970s. The fact that the dangers of smoking were ignored for so long, and the fact that uk is already behind other nations in the dealing with screens and social media for children.

I think in the future we’ll see this as a form of neglect or abuse. So irresponsible to provide and allow unrestricted access to a smartphone.

You can control screen time through the Family Link app. Kids can’t download an app
without the parents consent as it sends a message to the parent’s device asking. She won’t be on the phone 13 hours a day at school and then you can set a screen time limit of something reasonable like 1 hour or whatever you’re comfortable. My kids have very basic smart phones and I monitor everything on them via the Family Link. No internet, no social media etc. I think once a clear boundary is in place then everyone will know where they stand.

YANBU. I agree that a smartphone for a 9yo is bad, but 13.5 hours in one day is far, far worse. DH needs to put the restrictions back on.

No 9 year old should have a smartphone. All the science is established for how harmful it is. The number of hours on top of that!!@!@ Insane. Put your foot down.

I agree with other posters your DH is an idiot, a 9 year old doesn't need a smartphone and should not be allowed all those hours on the phone. Doesn't your DH or the mother realise how bad it is for a child to be looking at a screen for that length of time plus the dangers of the Internet. They both need to parent that child. Pair of idiots.

If you can get him to swap it for a Nokia brick - do so - she is too young for a smartphone.

if he won’t swap it - the restrictions need to go back on it 24/7 no matter where the phone is and are locked down so only he can lift them.

if mum doesn’t like restrictions back on and feels child needs 24/7 access to apps etc - she can supply a tablet etc .

husband shouldn’t condone or enable this behaviour - kid is 9 - getting hooked on a phone now is not going to help her.

She’s 9 and that amount of screen time is utterly ridiculous. Why the hell give a 9 year old a smart phone? Any minute now she’ll be exposed to porn, the algorithm always gets it in there somehow! Take the phone and buy her a dumb phone if you want to contact her.

My SD (now 15, but 10 when she got a phone) has restrictions turned on when with us, and her mum turns them off when she’s back with her. We turn them back on, she turns them off. There’s literally nothing we can do to stop it. Unfortunately when she’s not in your house, you really can’t control how her mum parents her. But I can tell you from our experience, it has absolutely had an extremely detrimental effect on my SD mental health (for sure when social media was allowed for her too) and has affected other abilities like concentration, patience, ability to hold conversations, enthusiasm about anything other than something on the phone, sleep, school work….. the list goes on. So don’t change what you’re doing for your biological kids! ❤️

She should not be on Roblox or YouTube unsupervised, I wouldn't have given a 9 year old a smart phone at all. I'd definitely leave the restrictions

This is for your husband and his daughter’s mother to decide. You don’t get to have a say in what happens when the child isn’t in your care because she isn’t your child. If your husband feels it’s inappropriate then he can have a conversation with his daughter’s mum.

You’ve made your view clear to him but your involvement in the discussion should end there. You get a say when the child’s in your care, but at any other time it’s up to her parents.

op has said he discussed it with Mom and Mom agreed.
he then put parental controls on to limit use at both houses.
Mom then asked for them to be removed.
This is a Mom problem not a Dad problem.
If Dad had said no, he'd be accused of being controlling to his ex and how she chooses to parent her child in her time and using the phone as a weapon etc.
If she can manage without excessive phone usage when she's at OP and Dad's house, then the issue is with Mom who a. has given into pester power or b. finds it useful having her child on tech for all her free time.

The issue is your DH buying the phone.
Presumably, he agreed this with ex before the purchase and it is at this time of discussing that rules should have also been agreed. He needs to correct things as they stand as the 9 y.o. is too young to be held accountable and to manage things that are difficult for adults to do.

well you can't do anything about it? Its up to him to deal with whatever he decides to do.

I don’t understand why the potential for this to happen wasn’t discussed before you bought her the phone. Especially as you have a strong view on limiting how long dsd is using the phone. You can obviously control what happens on your watch, but I would imagine if you try to instigate the same rules at her mums, there’s going to be pushback.

You're not wrong, but it needs to be agreed between your DH and your step-daughter's mum. It's her mum that will need to police it/put up with any misbehaviour due to being denied access when she is at her house.

It was shortsighted to give his daugther a smartphone at such a young age anyway. He could have bought her a dumb phone for calls and texts, which is all she needs to 'stay in touch'. In fact, I'd probably take it off her and replace it with a dumb phone.

Does her mum know she's spending so much time on the phone? If she does, and can't or won't police her daughter's use of the phone, I really would take the phone back next time she's at your place and replace it with something simpler. If you're not prepared to do that, at the very least, I would set parental controls on it and daily time limits for app/internet use. There are details of how to do so on this website:

https://www.famiguard.com/parental-control/lock-your-childs-phone-remotely/

She didnt have to have a smartphone, just to keep in touch.

She needs to be out doing other stuff or even in doing other stuff.

Sounds like shes well on the way to be a smartphone zombie.

How is it affecting you and your dc?

He was an idiot for buying her a smart phone.

ffs the mind boggles at this (not your fault OP) but ahh could scream. Whyyyyy are we giving smartphones to kids (especially primary school?!!!!) and then wondering why kids behaviour is shocking, anxiety etc through the roof etc.

You’ve got to stay out of it, but yanbu 😬😬😬

I agree with everything that's been said.

But in an effort to suggest a solution to a shit situation...

Is it possible in the app to give her allocated screen time per month (instead of per day) - that way he isn't restricting time at her mum's per se but if she burns it all in the first day or two then tough shit for the rest of the month?

I worry now that if he takes it away the mother will just replace it, she's had a taste of how easy 'parenting' is when you hand the responsibility over to the internet. 🤢