To wonder about 50/50 child arrangements

My children's dad will cook himself dinner but apparently didn't realise that the kids also needed to eat 🤔.

My parents initially tried 50:50. It was awful and me and my brother were miserable. After about 3 months the structure changes to us living with our mum full time

My son stays with his dad 2 days a week and I think its more than enough. He needs to know his home is here. I am his primary parent... id never let his dad do 50/50... his dad may want him but he likes to act "cool dad" there is no boundaries, no routines, doesnt tell him to brush his teeth etc, eats what he likes... and whilst my 8 year old thinks thats great currently.. its no good. His dad doesnt meet his emotional/physical needs and would rather play games all day so no I would definitely not choose 50/50

This 👏🏼 or allowing my 5 year old stay up until 11pm on the Xbox (absolutely ridiculous) or ‘forgetting’ to brush his teeth .. yet remembers to brush his own so unsure on how that works.

I would have absolutely hated 50/50 and tbh it wouldn’t have worked well for my son at all. He absolutely thrives having a more ‘primary’ home. But tbh, his dad is absolutely useless so maybe my feelings are biased since he doesn’t look after him well at all. My son’s dad has him EOW at the maximum but quite frequently misses days or brings him back early etc - I do wish he was more involved for my son’s sake but definitely not 50/50.

I do 50/50 on a rotating schedule and it’s great. I do Mon Tuesday with, Wednesday Thursday without, Friday Saturday Sunday with - and then swap the next week. It’s great and it works perfectly. I don’t think I am a true ‘mumsnetter’ though as I like the break I get from my kids and definitely don’t feel as though I’m going to perish with them gone.

I do wonder if how kids feel about these kinds of situations - and this talk of wanting a ‘base’ - is a direct result of what adults say around them. Both my kids have different set ups, one just sees their dad on weekends, and I can honestly say that in terms of how they ‘feel’ - they are both happy healthy and thriving. There is no upset or not feeling like they belong or have a base or stability. This is their stability. It just doesn’t look like the ‘norm’

Naturally if they wanted to be with one parent more when they are older because they want to be near friends etc then that would happen, but I don’t think that’s a reflection on parenting or 50/50 not working - they don’t want to be with any parent at that age 🤣

mumsnet’s stance on 50:50 is pretty much summed up as “oh no, it’s best to have one main parent. Not the dad, obviously “

Same

I don't want 50/50 for my children because I don't want them to be fed McDonald's or cereal for half the time (or not fed at all because apparently they didn't say they were hungry, just ate all the biscuits out the biscuit tin because they weren't being supervised 🙄), barked at to be quiet whenever they make a noise, put in front of screens the whole time and left to fend for themselves weekend mornings because their other parent can't be bothered to get up.

I like to think that, if they were being fed healthy home-cooked meals, chatted to and supported and taken out for bike rides or trips or engaged with at home, I would feel differently about 50/50 as sometimes it all being on me makes me want to scream.

My ex does 10 nights a month including 1 weekend a month. He does about 40 percent of the school holidays. He doewnt want anymore and neither would I. It works out about 30 to 35 % of the time. It used to be 10% before he got a gf

I know this isn’t really what you were asking or looking to debate, but if I split with my OH I actually wouldn’t want 50/50. My OH is a good dad in some ways but I do the lions share of childcare tasks and carry almost all of the emotional load of parenting. My daughter’s home is with me and I’m sorry if that’s controversial. And actually, I can be more flexible work wise, whereas my husband leaves for work at 7:30am, so it really wouldn’t work him caring for her during the week, at least not overnight, unless he could negotiate a later start a couple of mornings a week. I also think a child should have one home and not spend their lives going between two houses.
Selfishly I also wouldn’t want to never see my child at the weekend. So actually, alternate weekends and a night or two through the week would be what I’d prefer- overnights if he can start work later, or evening visits (he generally is home at 4:30) where he collects her from after school care and brings her home 7:30ish (she’s 11).

We had a young boy with the worst behaviour I've ever seen in 26 years in education
his parents did 50/50 but both worked full time time so he also stayed with two separate grannies, so 4 homes in total. He would say daily I have no home do you know where I am going tonight. So sad

I would love 50/50 as a parent, but I don't think it would be fair on the kids. Unless it was a set up where the children stayed in their own home and the parents moved in and out every few days.

Instead of asking other parents how much they like 50/50 why don’t you ask children who actually had to live the kind of life where you move between homes every few days ….

If DH and I split up we'd have 50/50. But he's a proper dad who knows his children's routines, he knows their likes and dislikes, he knows their medications and what time they're at school/afterschool club/Cubs/etc. it would absolutely be in the children's best interest to split their time between.

I fought tooth and nail against my ex having anything more than EOW as 50/50 with him would have been a disaster for our girls. Thankfully the courts agreed.

Most mothers I know would be happy about 50/50 if they knew their children were going to be well looked after, and it was best for them. The ones that fight against it generally do so as the dad's sole motivations are revenge or not paying maintenance.

My kids have additional needs, and are really hard work looking after them full time. As selfish as it sounds, I would love to only be their carer 50% of the time, and have 50% restbite.

In reality, they are not safe with their farther, so even if he wanted it (he doesn't), I would have to fight against it because their need for safety trumps my need for rest.

I wanted 50/50 and got 50/50. Having gone through it from a toddler to teens when they got to decide with my oldest, as soon as they could it stopped. They absolutely hated it.

If I split with my dh I absolutely wouldnt agree to 50/50 with our younger kids, but dh also doesn't think its best for kids either. We would be flexible but both of us think that its far to destabilising for the kids.

I’m just about to embark on this as we have just separated and have teens. 50/50 is the only way to my mind, ex DH is as hands-on a parent as I am and neither of us would have it any other way.

The country where my children were born, it is presumed that contact will be 50/50 when parents split. This is the socially accepted way to do things - at least in the circles I was in.

It meant men went into fatherhood knowing that they might have to be full time father half the time. I found the attitudes were very different - and never really came across men having (several) children and then just walking away.

Yanbu. It is completely reasonable and decent to want your child to have a close relationship with their loving and involved father.

Sadly it seems quite a lot of men do not feel the same. My ex demanded 50:50 when he thought it meant paying no maintenance, and gave him the right to walk into my house whenever he felt like it.

His enthusiasm lasted three days until he discovered he had to change dirty nappies, get up at night, meals took a while, nursery pickups meant he couldn't travel for work and he couldn't go to the pub or play tennis.

After that, ex refused to have ds overnight until he was toilet trained and could use a knife and fork. By then he'd rather missed the moment so ds has always lived with me and is happy and settled.