To wonder about 50/50 child arrangements

In theory I’m really against 50/50 - lack of a home base, constantly swapping and changing where they are etc. I have always solidly held this view. However, a few years ago I mentally conceded that should we split, there’s no real alternative for us. My husband is as good a dad as I am a mum (in many ways he’s better if I’m being completely honest!) and there is no way he would have ever agreed to losing any time with her. Nor could I have honestly vocalised an argument that he should - he can meet all of her needs as well as I can and she adores him, and him her.

So I suppose I agree with those who say it’s a fine idea as long as the other parent is a fully competent parent who can do the mental load, does absolutely everything in their time, arranged work accordingly etc.

I actually did grow up with 50/50 and remember no negative feelings about it (my parents co-parented very well and lived very close). I now co-parent 50/50 with my ex and have asked my DD (11) recently how she feels about this. While she openly said her ultimate preference would be for us to have stayed together, she understands this isn’t possible and said that whilst it can sometimes be a bit annoying going between two houses, she would choose being able to spend plenty time with both parents rather than only seeing her dad once a week.
Also, I’m not sure your theory on the parents would still be together if they were able to work well with each other is always correct - my marriage ended due to infidelity. I have always considered my ex’s ability to be a good parent separately to his ability to be a good husband.

Yes I did this with my son. Worked out well

I think it depends on the status quo pre split. When my son was younger I did a lot of the child rearing, so if we’d have split I’d have said no way can we do 50/50, we didn’t do that when we were together, that will confuse our child, my DP couldn’t get him to sleep without me there etc. It would have to have been much heavier in my favour more like 70/30 or 80/20. However in the last 2-3 years the parenting has been much more 50/50 one of us drops at school the other picks up etc. I have gone back to work full time, changed roles to one that includes some nights away for meetings so he has done more bedtimes. If we ever split up now it would have to be 50/50 and really reflect what the current parenting is like in the family home.

Not my own experience but someone i know. They split up after his 'unknown' daughter got in touch. Initially ok until his wife realised her age meant he'd had an affair after they were married.
They went 50/50. I think to a point it was her ensuring he stepped up. They split the week on a Wednesday (one took them to school, the other picked up) so both had some of the school week and a weekend.
It seemed to work really well. Each had to take 100% responsibility during 'their time'. Both ran their own business and the week off from the kids allowed them to focus more on work ie arranging meetings etc but also could make plans , have a break etc. They did seem to get on well enough to step up in emergencies etc.
From what I saw, and what she told me, there was little issue, although it did take their kids a few months to get used to, and settle into the new set up.

I could be happy doing 50/50 as my partner is a very involved dad so I know DS would be well looked after (DD would choose to live with me full time) but I would hate to give up so much time and I'm not sure DS would be happy not having me at bedtime. But also, objectively speaking, I know that DS would be better off at his dad's during the week, until he's a bit older, because my partner's work is much more flexible, can easily take the day off if DS is sick and can be home with him in the mornings until DS leaves for school whereas I have to leave for work at 5:30 so DS would be on his own every morning which isn't great at his age. So the best set up in the interests of DS would be him at his dad's during the week and with me at the weekend and I hate how little time that is but would always want to do what's best for DS. Luckily we have no intention of splitting up any time soon!

Currently going through family court to fight against 50/50 because…

• STBXH won’t speak to or communicate with me. You cannot coparent like that.
• DC are young, they need stability and routine
• STBXH has never looked after them, he currently has them EOW and is spending more time with them than he ever has
• i can list more if need be

Yes the family next door do 2 nights parent A/2 nights Parent B/3 nights Parent A then switch about.

They don't do alternate weeks.

I don’t think that there are financial incentives for women to not want 50/50, in fact the opposite for the majority of women they would be a lot better off with 50/50 which is the reason so many men refuse it.

If you are a single parent with primary custody the hit to your career is huge. You either work school hours/very part time which is poorly paid. And make do financially with maintenance, universal credit and a small wage.

Or you work a normal hours job and have childcare every day which is expensive, and also ties you to leaving work at a fixed time. You can never put in the extra 110 percent effort which often results in promotion. You can’t easily travel for work. You can’t take shift work. You can’t take on call work. You can’t stay late in an emergency. You can’t work weekends because you’ve still got the kids for half of them.

I am very very lucky that I have been able to set things up so I work mostly self employed to my own schedule, from home, 4 days a week. I can drop off and pick up most days, use childcare for the rest, and still earn enough that I’m well off. I have to be in London roughly one day a month for meetings/events/conferences etc and that is always a nightmare managing around the kids but I’m fortunate that my parents help. I would probably earn double if we were 50/50 - I turn down so much work because it involves international travel, regular in person meetings, evening meetings etc. So effectively the cost of single parenting is that plus childcare plus the additional costs of supporting the children, plus the longer term implications to my pension. The maintenance I get is £400 a month.

50/50 on fixed days is the only single parenting schedule which allows for equality in career development and earning potential for both parents.

Nope I was brought up in one home and didn't find anything wrong with it. Just usual squabbles with the family that most people have. I wouldn't have liked moving around, I think it would have created a lot of instability.

The family moved in four years ago. The three older ones are currently approximately 13, 11 and 9. Just to give a little context. The youngest is the child of the current partner and the mother of the older three children. She's 4yo.

Yes it does look downright miserable for the three children. I see the biological Dad waiting for the three older children in his car when it's "his" day to collect them all. Each running into his car from the house with a carrier bag of items or backpack....sad.

I was fine with 50/50 growing up.

We all fight against what we had growing up and us it as an excuse to do things differently.

”We moved around a lot so I was determined to stay in one place when I was an adult”

”We stayed in our small town so I was determined to spread my wings and move around when I was an adult”

Im sure if you lived in one home you’d find something wrong with that too!

When we split up my children were very young and I wouldn’t have wanted 50/50 at that age as it would have been too unstable for them.

I would have been willing to work towards 50/50 and at 8 and 10 now, I can see that having their dad much more in their life would be good for them.

Unfortunately their dad isn’t a great parent and struggles to make sensible choices about things like food, screens, routine, bedtime etc. Won’t have them for any time he would need to pay child care, and isn’t interested in having more than 4 nights a fortnight (used to be 2).

So, with him, there is no way I’d agree 50/50. With a different person I would.

It’s the best set up for the parents, it’s horrible for the kids

You should definitely claim child maintenance and should be awarded it in that set up look at the online calculator

My friend has similar and liked it as she had time to date and exercise and work late. Even though her ex wasn’t great and practical stuff like making healthy meals she wanted him to do his fair share of the childcare.
I think this is often chosen as it suits the parents /they get a decent break and time off for rest and socializing and dating.
if you have someone you trust to parent decently, who lives close to children’s school, and who communicates well about things like big purchases, it could work.
(I feel sorry for kids not having a base to truly settle into but I realise this thread isn’t about that!)

I would definitely want 50:50 if I was prioritising my own needs and best interests. In many families though the actual needs and best interests of the children themselves is to have a stable main home so I would only actually push for/agree to 50:50 if this caused no stress or disadvantage to the child. I would also take into account how capable and effective the other parent is at all the wifework labour of arranging orthodontists and haircuts and shoe fittings etc without being managed/prompted, and at supervising homework and extracurricular activities. If there's a 50:50 arrangement and the kids just have fun and don't do anything practical in the 50% time with one parents and have to fit all the practical boring useful stuff into the 50% time with the other parent then that means the capable and effective parent is getting shafted and gets hardly any quality leisure time with the DC. In an ideal arrangement where the other parent was equally capable and effective and took a 50% share of the practical boring useful stuff, and if the 2 parents live not too far from each other so it's easy to pop over to grab a forgotten item, and if the kids are happy and don't feel unbalanced by not having a single main residence then yes 50:50 is great.

But they are still entitled to their opinion and voicing it, on an open forum! You don’t get to dictate what people write if it’s not something you agree with or if it aligns with your views. Your hypothetical thread is bizarre anyway and not something that is an option for yourself

Yes that sounds absolutely awful and I absolutely cannot imagine having to live like that. The poor kids mustn't know if they are coming or going

Switching between homes would never have worked with me as a kid when my parents split when I was 4. I'd have been utterly miserable. Thankfully I lived 100% with my Mum. It would never have worked with my DD either when I split with her Dad when she was 18 months old. She would also have been deeply unhappy. Again, Thankfully she lives with me 100%. We are both proper home birds, but I can't imagine to-ing and fro-ing for years on end is fun even for the most robust kids.

This

Exactly. And if you ask when they are adults and finally in their own home the resounding response is no. My niece hated living with her suitcase, always getting ready to leave and start again under a different roof.

We gave it a go, but my ex couldn’t commit and soon it fell to me. The kids didn’t like 50-50 and they still saw their dad, just didn’t stay over.

A family member does this. One week on/one week off. It was hard at first when the divorce was fresh. They got through that and now coparent well, picking up slack from each other. Both parents are fully committed. They live within 5 miles of each other and can’t change that till the youngest graduates school. They also both have family nearby to help. The kids really seem to like it. It was definitely an adjustment, but worked out in the long run.

Exactly. The children come first.

Absolutely selfish. I agree.