To wonder about 50/50 child arrangements

This is true the man only has a role one the very beginning
The baby grows and is nurtured inside the mother's body. The baby is part of the mothers body and research has shown that a part of the baby stays in the mother's body for years and possibly for life.

As someone who does 50/50 I do not agree with this at all.

There is 100% a financial incentive for women not to do 50/50. I could get hundreds of pound a month from my daughters dad if I didn’t do it.

50/50 doesn’t give you free reign to work full time or materially help with childcare in the workplace. You still have 50% of your working week where you have to find childcare for your children by yourself - and likewise the other parent has to find it the other 50% of the time?
My children are either in nursery or I pay for after school club, so that I can provide for them. Regardless of whose parents house they are at. We both work full time. If I didn’t do 50/50, the money I would get from the other parent would more than foot the bill for that. As it stands I obviously pay this myself, as does he.

I personally own my own home and work full time. I didn’t have children until I was financially independent and wouldn't have dreamt of having a child with a man if I couldn’t make it work by myself - particularly if I also thought the other parent incompetent of 50/50. That’s just bad decision making?!

I'm not convinced it's the best set up for the child who will constantly be moving from one house to the other and not have a single stable base

They're not 'made 50/50' though.

One of my friends growing up went 50/50 with her parents. They lived next door to each other and she loved it. This was a long time ago when divorce was uncommon and her df was very hands on with his dc.

Correlation != causation.

Single parents are also vastly more likely to be in poverty, which also results in worse outcomes. There's likely a massive difference between a relationship that breaks down when the child is 10 vs. when a child is a baby etc.

I read a study from Norway (I think, I'm not going to google for it now) that found that fathers living further away was correlated with better educational outcomes for the children - their theory was that having a single person have authority for decisions/over all the day to day was the reason (and TBH, read here about how many fathers don't help with homework, and it might even be as simple as that)

I was open to 50/50 - I suggested nesting - but ex said from the outset that he wouldn't do that because he had to travel for work (so did I - not that I can now, so that's put a downer on my career!), and now he sees them for the day, a couple of times a month. TBH, that's actually working pretty well for the kids, although it's exhausting for me.

I don’t imagine so, no. I just don’t think we talk about good co parenting situations enough? I chose to have my child with an amazing dad. There is nothing that I do that he couldn’t do and vice versa. I don’t have to police him or remind him.
Also briefly saw a comment about it being ‘selfish’ and the kids moving from place to place with a bag - my child doesn’t do this. She has two parents who both provide. She has clothes, toys, toothbrush - all the things - at both houses. If for some reason she left something at the other parents house that she desperately wanted (like her comfort teddy etc) we would just go and get it for her.

I honestly think it’s so sad that such a large amount of women have had children with incapable men, who genuinely seem to believe that even though children are made 50/50 that the only parent who is capable of catering to all a child’s needs is the woman. It’s mind boggling to me.

I think 50/50 would work in very specific circumstances - eg. you live next door to each other, you're still very friendly, or you nest (kids stay in same place, parents move in and out)

I think in almost every other circumstance, it's shit for the kids.

I'm not denying, it would be fantastic if I had 50% of my time with no childcare responsibilities - half the school runs, half the washing - I would feel so free, but I also recognise that I wouldn't want to be moving house every week, or every couple of days, and I don't think my kids would. They don't even like going on holiday TBH, let alone having to split themselves across 2 houses.

Especially if there's also animosity between the parents so every hand over is contested with a bad atmosphere, and if I forget something I'm not getting it.

Surely it depends on your family? I'd accept a 50:50 arrangement if I broke up with dp but he already does half the childcare and I'm confident he will prioritise the dc's needs. I imagine I'd feel very differently if he was a shitty dad!

I grew up without my dad after my mum remarried. He was happy for me to make all the effort when I got in touch when I was a bit older but made no effort himself. We're no longer in touch. I don't recall him ever really asking after my daughter.

I also grew up with an abusive step-dad, who was happy for me to make all the effort to keep in touch after he and my mum divorced but makes none himself unless he wants something. We're no longer in touch. He rarely asked after my daughter either.

I didn't miss having my dad around (my brother did), and I could have happily lived without my step dad being around.

My mum done her best to a point but was also abusive in her own way and my relationship with her is complicated.

I think it's fair to say I don't have a very positive view of either 'dad' and if my daughter's dad was like either of them, I would want full custody.

The 'financial incentive' largely comes from the economic disadvantage many women face in the first place because they have been the primary, default parent. I don't know why this keep being skipped over tbh.

This.
The amount of maintenance I get I could earn in a day contracting (I’m currently part time employed in senior professional career, but can apply for promotions due to child care)

I tried to get my sons dad to agree to 50/50 for years but he always said no then told our son he wanted 50/50 but I wouldn’t let him. Absolute joker glad I dont have to deal with him any longer.

I think most people are against 50/50 because if dad did 50/50 during the relationship, they most likely wouldn’t have spilt up so they’re doubtful he’ll actually step up.

I don’t actually know any dads who do more than every second weekend. My husband had his kids 3 nights a week when we met but his ex gradually whittled that down using alienation. One of his children lives with us full time now though, the other comes when she feels like it.

Please update us on the result when it concludes! Good luck

When you remove the variable of poverty the impact usually goes away

All of this 👌🏼

This in particular is accurate:

I have always considered my ex’s ability to be a good parent separately to his ability to be a good husband

It’s a really good point that age matters in relation to 50/50. As they get older, they can have more of a say. Younger children probably do need a ‘base’ but that’s not to say it doesn’t work. As they move into tween/teen ages, it can work.

I have 50:50, we do 2 nights, 2 nights, 3 nights; so we get every other weekend to spend fully together. Someone on mumsnet actually said to me once this sounded incredibly disruptive to DD and I asked her then if she wanted to change to spend one week here one week there etc but she said she didn’t, so it seems to work for us.

Her dad has always been very hands on in lots of ways and it was never really a question of anything other than 50:50, but I do have to say for whatever reason he hates me now and will try and just communicate through DD (10) if he needs to change anything which is frustrating and she often comes back to me shattered, needing a good shower, with bags of sweets and telling me her dad forgot something she was supposed to do/take into school that week.

I think it’s tricky because me and her dad both work full time, he has a new partner who lives with them so more help remembering life admin than I do, and DD loves her dad and he absolutely spoils her so I’d never try and stop how much he sees her, the court costs too and how much more he earns than me mean it wouldn’t be worth even trying. But do I feel it truly works in her best interests? No although she would disagree lol, because there she gets to stay up late on a school night and eat chocolate spread sandwiches for every meal.

Yes, but unless he’s very very high earning, maintenance is unlikely to be supplementing the full cost of lost opportunities, pension, career advancement etc even if it’s covering the child’s day to day costs.

I have this set up @user1476613140

Have you experience of it personally?
Have you spoken to the children, and they’ve told you they don’t like it?
Or, are you judging the mum and dad from the side lines and deeming them crap parents for trying to make better a really hard situation?

Your posts come across as judgemental and mirrors a lot of my experience when talking to acquaintances, friends and family about our set up of 2:2:3 (50/50). All the judgement and no clue what worked for our family or what things we had put in place to ensure DD’s needs were met (read my long post earlier on this thread)

Separating is hard.
Parenting whilst separating is even harder. Divorcing is horrific.

Perhaps judge less of your neighbours and consider the really shit situation they’re in that they are trying to make work for their DC.

Oh I agree here. I unfortunately had a father who dipped in and out, and worse - chose to engage with my siblings and ignore me...that was much much worse than a totally absent father. When I talk with friends who grew up with absent father's they all say they'd have struggled with what I had to deal with an awful lot more

It still sucks now as an adult when the siblings/aunt etc talk about spending time with him. And I'm the pariah. Can't stand the bloke he's a sexist ignorant prick, but that small girl in me is still confused and hurt.

We do 50/50 over a two week split. When I moved I made sure I was within walking distance of their Dad's and school. it's a 2/2/3 rotation.

mon/Tues night with parent A
Weds/Thurs with parent B
Fri/sat/sun parent A

But we've been strict on making sure they have duplicates of everything so the only thing they move between houses is the school bag and their phone. They have the same makeup, chargers, hair tools etc etc at each house. School uniform we bought enough of everything to have at both houses.

I actively wanted 50/50, he's their father and they have a right to a relationship with him. He also actively wanted 50/50. The problems that caused our break up were never Todo with the others parenting or engagement with the kids

The only mothers I know against 50/50 with their ex (where the ex is a decent father) is due to

Srol being caught up in the pain of the breakup
Not wanting to lose time with their children
Failure to realise the children aren't extensions of them
Jealousy ex has moved on
Control freaks - can't handle the fact the ex does things differently, not worse just differently.

I do have a friend who's resisting 50/50 and currently it's 60/40 but that's different because the ex was only a "good" father because she made him one. He is pretty crap now they've broken up, he likes the kudos and to be seen to do the right thing, but then actively does shit like refuse to pay for hair cuts for the kids cause "he pays maintenance and that's what it's for" or buy school uniform, cause same.

Isn't the most important question whether the children like it? An awful lot don't. Little ones tend to miss their mothers and older ones find it a hassle making sure everything is in the right place and complain that it impacts their social life , especially when the two homes are not very close.

The maintenence i recieve supplements my wage. My ex can do nights and weekends to increase his money.i can't due to childcare.

I would argue the kids whose fathers chose to be absent know they were better off, because he clearly wouldn’t have been a positive influence if he could so easily abandon them. They would have been better if some magical wonderful dad man existed, but he didn’t. I would argue that most kids realise they’re better off without their useless dad than say in his house half the time where they aren’t really wanted there or cared for like they are at their mums.

Spoken as one of those kids 👋🏻