To wonder about 50/50 child arrangements

I grew up with a f, and vehemently wish he hadn't existed.

There are always different situations. It will always depend on the individual circumstances and personalities.

Interesting that you’re on a women’s forum and can only see women in terms of their relationships to men!

How about women who want to work, travel internationally, prioritise the gym or a hobby, compete in downhill mountain bike competitions, travel to Switzerland for contracting work with the UN, take the overnight shift as a brain surgeon, pursue a relationship with a woman?

Whether you believe that 50/50 is right for the children or not, assuming that men are the reason a woman might not want 100 percent custody when her children have a capable and involved father is wild!

I had 50-50 for a period and it was wonderful. Both of us worked. We lived quite close so it all worked well. I had the best of every world and loved the free time. I too couldn’t understand friends who it looked like were using their children as weapons and denying exes that 50%

I do 50/50. My ex and I both work full time with long commutes. He’s a hands on and capable dad. I would love them more but we both agree this is best for them and us as we can compress our hours on our childfree days, do the school runs each on our days with the children and then we have a long alternative weekend. One parent does Monday, Tuesday. The other Wednesday Thursday. Then Friday -Monday morning we alternate.
it actually feels much less of a juggle than when we were together. I do my office days when I don’t have the children and can be in full work mode, as does he.
We have been doing this 2 years and asked them (10and 8) how they felt it was working and both wanted to keep this arrangement. It may change when our oldest starts secondary but we’ll play it by ear as they get older.

I’m not going to explain the link as it’s outing but someone I know has his kids 5050.
It seems to be because the mum is not interested at all in the kids in this case. She won’t help with the health issues, drs appointments, dentists, pay for anything at all for the kids. But as the mum she doesn’t want to admit to friends/ family that she has given up the kids so she has them “50 /50”. This means they sleep at her house half the time but only on school nights as she has plans every weekend and she never does any admin/ parent jobs. I don’t think it’s malicious it’s because she has very fragile mental health and can’t cope with much. So this 5050 doesn’t work well and the dad gets fed up as he feels like it’s more 9010 on him.

I know another couple where they had 4 kids. Mum was a stay at home mum. Dad left her and was surprised but pleased that she said she wanted him to have the kids 5050.
These 4 kids seem to be doing really well and thriving. The mum has a new career and the dad is always posting fun things he is doing with the kids. So in this case it seems to have worked out really well and both mum and dad have careers and they both care for the kids. At least one parent will be at each football match etc.

What a generalised and inaccurate comment 🙄 Have you even read the whole thread?

It destroyed me not seeing my child for half the week for months, probably over a year. Full on anxiety when she wasn’t with me.

Time made it easier but do not underestimate how hard it is to be a “part time” parent and switch your hat to just being you when you haven’t got your DC with you. It’s immensely lonely and very difficult. You miss out on half of their life every week. And as they become teenagers, you’re lucky if they tell you about it. I have had to find new hobbies and fill my life with other things different to when I was with my husband.

Let's be honest, the only mums who want 50/50 are the ones who want a little single life back, or who have a new boyfriend and want weekends or something so they can spend with their new partner and have overnight breaks away etc.

My exH and I did our own independent research and concluded the best outcome would be 50/50, so I’d agree with you.

As @Hollabackgurl said, it requires an amicable co parenting relationship, otherwise it’s fraught with issues. I’ve seen it with other families and genuinely feel lucky I don’t have those issues.

Very much putting our differences aside as ex partners and all the hurt that came with the breakup / infidelity etc, and just remembering the little human in the middle of it all and we’re first and foremost parents. We’ve clearly both held our tongue as we’ve allowed solictors to argue our split of finances (which was messy) but both never had any disagreements on DD (now 14) and even more recently, compliments being made both sides on how we’re parenting solo (as it is hard doing that and making decisions on your own without the other person to bounce off).

Come off it.

Everyone can agree that women’s body’s do the work in pregnancy and childbirth - there is no way around that - but children are made 50/50. We couldn’t do it without men, even though mumsnetters seem to believe we can. It’s 2026… if you’re a man hater that’s fine - I get it.

But children are 50/50 in all aspects, including parental responsibility, and not all men are incapable humans. If you happen to meet one who is, I would suggest not having a child with them 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

We started with 50/50 and our son loved it. Unfortunately his dad got a girlfriend and dropped DS almost completely.

I really wanted them to have a positive relationship as I believe it is ok DS’s best interests. But we can’t control what his dad chose. Ds is happy now but he does still miss his dad, which is really sad.

Here in Portugal it is generally how separated families are made 1 week on 1 week off and pick up from school Mondays. I have a male friend who has this arrangement in PT and it works well with his DS 8. Mother tried for full custody (no abuse involved) but it works well kid has structure and all pick ups and afterschool things fall to whoever’s week it is.

As someone who isn't 50/50 I absolutely do agree with it (although I do have slightly unusual circumstances, as I live rurally, and so have a longer than normal school run with no public transport (and no school transport - I don't live in the UK)

Just not having to do that 50% of the time would be nearly 2 working days off my plate, which I could be spending actually working (I work remotely and can choose my hours to a certain extent) - lets say that I spent half that newly realised time working - 6 hours - that's nearly 1500EUR a month - plenty of women don't get that in child support anyway.

50/50 is great for the kids long term, it does require both parents to make an effort and often bite their tongue! But worth it in the long run.

I'd say it depends on the dad.
In most cases though even with good father's very small children are much better with their mothers. Babies instinctively recognise their mothers and the mother child bond is much stronger than any other bond.

@FerriswheelsKissesandLilacs
the only people that I know have made 50/50 work are those that get on really well…I’m talking key to each others houses well.

If you are in court fighting for 50/50 you don’t get on that well, and there will likely me zero coparenting. That’s why I don’t think it’s in children’s best interests.

I think my life would be easier with 50/50 but I don't think it would be in the child's best interests. 50/50 doesn't provide a good routine and stability, children should be at going to sleep and waking up in the same place on every school day. I don't allow my DC to sleep out on school days. I wouldn't sleep elsewhere on a work night. I'd hate to be split between 2 houses so I wouldn't force that on my DC.
I do think the idea of the parents doing 50/50 from the family home with the parents being the ones to move around whilst the children stay in the family home would be fair on the children. Most parents wouldn't go for that though as they don't want to live between 2 homes. (But think that's acceptable for their DC)

Can you help me out with this?

If a child goes let’s say one night a week and then every other weekend, how is this ‘more’ stable and less ‘living out of a bag’ than doing 50/50?!

The harsh truth of it is, if you split up, children are going to have two homes. The logistics or frequency of visits to those two homes is largely irrelevant in that it’s still happening and there will always be a two homes?

Every other weekend is actually more jarring to the child, no?! They are suddenly plucked out of their home for a night, probably feeling like a spare part at the other house as they are not there enough to feel properly included in day to day life, but are forced to go anyway?!

Mumsnet is a very puzzling place sometimes…

Mumsnet loves to use the children's best interests as an argument against 50/50, but that stats indicate that the best outcomes for children of divorced parents occur in 50/50 situations. It doesn't overly matter what they say they like. Children living in only one house and barely seeing the other parent don't like it either. Many children hate eating vegetables, going to bed on time, getting up for school every morning, brushing their teeth, and being told to come off screens. It doesn't mean we should leave them to run feral.