To wonder about 50/50 child arrangements

I appreciate what you've said here but I am cynical of my neighbour who on her "free days" only has the youngest to her current partner and chooses to lie in rather than taking the youngest to nursery at 9am - she'll often drop the child off at 11am instead. The mum doesn't appear to work. She will get a shock when the child starts primary this year. She'll be forced to get up early on these days she doesn't have her older three children, to take the youngest to school. This is week days I am talking about.

It must be difficult for some women to switch from being in mum mode to single. Others I think take the mick....

Have you ever asked him to do more than what he does? (You haven’t said what he’s doing, sorry)

As long as you have done what you can to include their dad in the lives, you can be comfortable and confident that you’ve done what you can to engage him to be an actual dad 50% of the time. It’s his loss if he doesn’t and as you say, DC are doing well, so that’s all you can do, and ask for.

OK - but again - the difference there isn't the 50/50, but that there's an engaged father.

50/50 with an engaged father may be the very best. But forced 50/50 a father cannot be. Therefore it's not the 50/50 - but the parental participation that is the difference - an engaged father wouldn't want anything other than 50/50, and forcing a father to have 50/50 who doesn't want it must be a recipe for disaster.

I agree only time will tell - so far, they don't miss their dad, they're achieving well at school, and generally were far more affected by other aspects of their life than him leaving our household

Yep that's basically my next door neighbour😂 Her youngest child with her current partner and they like having friends over on their "free " weekend when it's just the youngest and not the older three as well...

They also send the youngest away for sleepovers just so they get peace to themselves (as if the mum doesn't get enough child free days as it is!). Utterly selfish people. All that for the latest sh*g.

The youngest child from her previous partner was only 4yo when she must have conceived the child to her current partner....suspect this child is the product of an affair with her current partner.

Lack of a moral compass.

It’s a shame that your ex is unwilling to be part of your DC’s life ☹️ but yes, I believe 50/50 is best for children (caveats below) and this is supported by academic research.

If all avenues have been explored eg, talking about what it could look like, mediation with a family mediator to help talk about it etc; then in your situation, at this time, it’s easier and better for you to not be 50/50. Time will tell if it affects your DC in the future in terms of outcomes (educational, psychological, relationship, confidence, self esteem).

I have experience of being brought up in a household whereby my dad couldn’t be bothered either. He had his new girlfriend (who he later married) and him seeing us was a tickbox and emotionally he was unavailable.

Hindsight is great isn’t it as my view now, dealing with what that relationship did to me in adulthood (feeling of abandonment, choices I made in my relationship based on how my dad treated me and my mum) wasn’t great. In a way, I wish he wasn’t in my life at all. Back in the 1980’s it was encouraged to see your dad EOW because “he’s your dad”. I personally think that was wrong advice as he wasn’t interested, nor was he a good dad, he was a sperm donor; and that was known and clear by me from a very early age (around 7 years old).

Depending on what you’re measuring as outcomes, for example educational/ career, I was successful in my own right. The feelings of abandonment put me in a position to be the best at school and then in the workplace (perfectionist, people pleaser). But if we’re measuring physiological outcomes, the set up only seeing my dad EOW was damaging for my relationships, choice of man I chose to have a child with, and the whole people pleasing thing was because of the love I didn’t get from my dad (I’ve been therapy, can you tell?!)

I should have been nearer 50/50 with mum and dad, or not seen my dad at all.

My DD is currently thriving from 50/50 set up. It will be interesting to see how she is as she moves into adulthood. We talk a lot and she’s very bright and emotionally intelligent (which helps). I genuinely believe if she saw me or her dad less than 50/50, she’d be really conflicted. With her being an only child, she has no divided loyalty with either of us. She loves us both equally and enjoys both our company.

Look, as per my previous posts, there are so many nuances to if 50/50 would work or not. The main ones being how capable the other parent is, how much the normal caregiver is willing to let go of some of the things that aren’t their way of parenting, and most significantly, age of the children. Research suggests that younger children do benefit from having a base home, one carer, with visits to the other parent, as opposed to 50/50. The increase visits/overnights as they get older.

Same here. Screen time at any given time so they don’t disturb while he is gaming or on Instagram, no homework done, no reading time, take aways all the time. As much as I would love to have some me time, I just can’t bare my kids to be raised like that. And all social life, play dates, parties, bdays would be on me anyway. What is sad is the kids would love that, if asked they would stay with their dad 100%, they hate the rules with me and they call me boring, while their dad is the fun relaxed one.

But it's not a binary choice: raise children alone or 50/50 with the other parent. There are other options including one parent providing the main home and the other having them overnight, for weekends and holidays in a pattern which allows the main parent proper downtime.

Oh, and that's for 2 children.

I spend more than that on food for my two kids in a month...

@GiantTeddyIsTired
my ex is unemployed, I won’t see a penny from him. I genuinely don’t think 50/50 is in the best interests of DC, I wish I did but I don’t.

I know you're a troll, but for those also reading, this is why that is ridiculous.

For parents earning the UK average, where one parent never has the children overnight, the monthly maintenance is 520GBP

No-one's living it large on that.

It's 1 week's work at minimum wage - if they were 50/50, then a person could earn it and still have a week off a month in the time they are no-longer responsible for the kids.

i dont think this is one size fits all, it’s all circumstantial.

If you’ve always equally shared care and you can coparent well then it may work for the children.

I don’t think this can work unless there is a good relationship with good communication. My ex will not allow me to call if DC leaves their PE kit with him or whatever, I have to message and expect a response within 24hrs which isn’t good enough if I need it the next morning.

I'm not sure what your point is? Many children would like their parents to stay together, but the parents for various reasons can't make that happen. They can think about what will make the children most settled and happy when it comes to their everyday life and seeing each of their parents. My impression is that having one base and visiting or going out with the other parent is easier for them.
One parent looking after the children 24/7 is unfair and exhausting and I take your point that it's not a good option.

I wanted 50/50 and we'll be moving to our new houses soon hopefully. When we decided to have a child I was very clear that it would be an equal effort as we both have careers that are important to us. I wouldn't have done it otherwise. We did shared parental leave and I feel like our child is equally bonded to both of us, so why would we do anything else now that we've separated? We've put a lot of effort into explaining the situation to our 5 year old and I'm confident that he'll adapt in time, provided we maintain a good co-parenting relationship (which we're both committed to doing).

It's not going to be perfect and I expect I'll feel shit at times, but I'll survive and yes I think I will enjoy having some time to myself and I don't think there's anything wrong with saying this (lots will disagree I'm sure). But saying all that, my ex isn't a useless shitbag like some which makes all the difference

Exactly, they always fight it so they can live off their ex. They are in for a big shock when they realise that 50:50 is now the norm.

Most women fight it because they want to keep all the child benefits and council housing allowances thst go with being PWC.
Then moan all the time about the kids and how the father is useless.

A friend of mine did this. He and his ex agreed to live close to each other and school and it worked really well. The children grew up really close to both parents (and new partners). Both very involved and determined that their marriage ending would not impact the children.

Compare to my split, ex moved an hr away, wanted eow only. When mine were teens they stopped going as didn't want to miss clubs/friends. They have at best a strained relationship now (all adults) and rarely see him. I have a very close relationship with them.

I grew resentful that I never got any time off as well, never able to advance my career etc so personally as a woman, I would want 50/50 as I think kids need both parents.

So, err, the kids that do best, are in a family where despite the breakup, the parents are able to be amicable and mature for the kids and put their needs first?

Do you really think it's the 50/50 here that's made the difference?

Do you think that if we forced unwilling exes like mine to take on 50% care, then my kids will have a better outcome?

No mum realistically wants their child to grow up without a dad, obviously! I think any mother would love their children to have equal contsct
and equal parenting wherever possible. Sadly they can’t. If a DF is absent or abusive it can hardly be pinned on “what the mother wanted.”

Any mother fighting against 50/50 will have good reason for this.

Oh come on! 🙄
Or how about those who respect that being a mother doesn’t automatically give them more right to see and parent their children than their father.
Or those who have asked their children what they want and are respecting that.

Absolutely not, I went for 50/50 because I knew my ex would claim parental alienation to try and get residency to spite me. He told me he would. I covered myself by agreeing to 50/50.

I would like to see some statistics about how many parents split due to domestic abuse. Anecdotally I know one where abuse wasn't involved.

I actually wanted 50/50 so I could work out with childcare hours and earn more than the pissy £100 a month in child maintenance that I got.