I’m looking for some outside perspective as I’m feeling really overwhelmed and don’t want to overreact. This is long because I've tried to include everything.
I’ve been separated from my ex-husband for 18 months and we have two young children aged 3 and 4. They currently spend time with him 2 nights a week.
Before Christmas, I raised concerns about the condition of his house and safety issues. He agreed to sort it, and on that basis I allowed contact to continue. Over Christmas, he took the children away for several days to visit family.
When they returned, my youngest (just turned 3) had a bad head injury that happened during his father’s care. I wasn’t informed and he didn't get any medical attention at the time. I took him to the GP, who made a safeguarding referral to social services.
This prompted me to properly look back through my photos and messages, and I’ve realised there’s a wider pattern I hadn’t fully appreciated before. Over the past 6 months I can see around 22 injuries that occurred during his contact time, including 8 head injuries for my youngest (3 of which I’d consider significant) and 2 instances of sunburn. The injuries are mainly bumps and bruises, but it’s the frequency and pattern that worries me, particularly given their ages.
So as not to drip feed, I’ve been raising safety and wellbeing concerns since we separated. These include:
- The cleanliness and safety of his home (significant clutter, mess and fire risk).
- Hygiene (children often returning unwashed or in soiled clothing).
- Lack of supervision and general safety (including car seat/road safety concerns).
- Not putting them in appropriate clothing for the weather.
These concerns have been raised gradually over time, not all at once, and when I try to raise things I feel they are minimised or dismissed.
Nursery have also raised concerns about unexplained bruises and my youngest’s wellbeing. They've said they feel the inconsistency between homes may be affecting him. I’ve also had support from Women’s Aid due to past domestic abuse (towards me, not the children) and they've made a number of safeguarding referrals based on things I've told them.
Since the most recent contact I’ve noticed behavioural changes in both boys, including repeated wetting and increased fear around accidents (e.g. being very upset after minor stumbles and worrying about being told off).
Social care have previously advised me that because the children have one protective parent, they can’t intervene unless their father consents, and that if I don’t feel the children are safe I need to exercise my parental responsibility and stop contact.
I’m now considering stopping them from having overnight contact (but allowing daytime contact) because I no longer feel comfortable with the level of risk. However, I’m struggling with guilt and worry that I’m overreacting. This would also mean losing my only real chance for a rest, and I’m already exhausted.
I’d really appreciate honest opinions. Does this sound like a proportionate response? Would you stop overnight contact in these circumstances? Or would you give more time/take a different approach?
Thank you to anyone who makes it to the end of this.