Is it normal to start eating?

I would suggest you are taking too long, Ideally you should all be sitting down to eat together, why not put it on the table so everyone can serve themselves at the same time? Would solve the problem straight away.

I've always been a "wait for host! person, especially at someone else's house, but at home my DH wants me to go first so he can have more food without taking away from me (he has whatever is left basically), but he takes at least a few minutes, so I just start without him now, it's silly to wait there with hot food going cold.

If you are taking more than 60 seconds to serve yourselves, then that is too long to expect people to wait for you, consideration goes both ways.

Because they're family and it sounds far too formal to me.

And having to wait an age for the OP to finally sit down and instruct me to start would make me cringe.

I'd still wait, but I'd wonder what the fuck she was doing in the kitchen that two of the other guests had almost finished their meal.

It all sounds a bit petty to me, as if you’re looking for a reason not to see them.

Accepted etiquette would be that a buffet/self serve is eat once in your seat , j for a plated meal with 6 or more at a table you can also eat once served

Why are you cringing? I always invite my guests to start eating while the food is hot. And because they have good manners they wait for the host to say it

@Brefugee

was she nice?

Nothing that you have vented about here would bother me at all.

The food question - I'd expect people to just get started as there's no point waiting while your food goes cold. When we go out for food then whoever is served first just starts. Everyone just eats as they are served. No issues and nobody takes offence at all.

Making the bed in the room - surely they are just leaving it as tidy as they found it! I'd personally much prefer that to suddenly having a pile of washing dumped on me at a point that didn't suit me. My MIL used to always strip the bed. I know she meant well but it irked me a bit as I would have preferred it to be left for me (or DH) to do at a moment that suited us. No big deal though. Either way, it's harmless and intended to be helpful.

Anyway, as you can see, we are all different, with different expectations and preferences.

You are overthinking these things. They are not rude at all, just slight differences of approach. Nothing to get het up over.

I don’t want people stripping the beds or washing up. Let me just do it.

I DO wash dishes in the sink. I do not follow the disgusting British tradition of filling a sink with soapy water putting dishes in and not rinsing.

sigh. I don't know anyone who does that and I'm ancient.
The point isn't how OP does her dishes, but that she has told people not to do something and they persist.

You have to treat them as you treat your DC when they are learning to exist in a family. Praise when they do it right (sticker chart?) and make them come back and do it properly when they don't.

Food? I would usually say: don't wait, eat while it's hot (but then i don't plate up for guests, we have serving dishes on hotplates). The bed? I would prefer it if guests don't strip it, but if they do i say "thank you".

I agree get yourself organised enough to sit down with everyone.

Exactly!

It would really annoy me if visitors stripped the bed. Because then I have a bare mattress and a bed that looks neglected. When guests leave, I don't immediately strip the bed and change the bed linen. I leave the bed as is, made up, and change the bed linen when I'm going to have guests round again.

Communication is key. I tell guests to, please, not strip the beds (as they might mistakenly think they're being helpful)

i sat next to princess Anne once for a hot dinner and she waited like the rest of us did.

What are their general manners and habits like?
It may be a huge victory to have them sitting at a table.
It is poor form to start as soon as food is put in front of you. Without question. Do they offer to help wash said dishes?
You may be lucky that they don't crap in the fireplace!

YABU. Serve the food and sit down.

Especially YABU re the dishes and the bed.

I DO wash dishes in the sink. I do not follow the disgusting British tradition of filling a sink with soapy water putting dishes in and not rinsing.

Re the bed, I would really appreciate them making the bed. Unless you're constantly hosting, do you really strip the bed the second they leave? I wouldn't. It would probably take me weeks to get to it.

I would never expect people to wait to eat with their dinner in front of them. Food goes cold . We had a lot to plate up Christmas Day , if people had waited until everyone was sat down with their dinner then they would have been sat for ages !

I would also never expect a guest to strip a bed for me - it’s not a hotel. I also would not strip a bed , I would make it and that is what I would expect my guests to do too.

Putting dishes in the sink - for me, day to day , that’s what I do and then I take it all out to wash , but I would be a bit angry if it was loads of dishes piled up so I would expect them to just empty it and place it on the side which is what I would do as a guest ( if I didn’t feel comfortable to just start washing )

Exactly how long did it take for two adults to bring the food to the table though?

And why did it take so long they were nearly finished eating?

I think I would've apologised about the long wait and told them to start before it got cold.

Yes I think it's rude too.

But nonetheless, fannying around for ages while your guests stare at their food going cold isn't particularly polite either.

It's sad to think that these people are your family and should really be able to kick back and feel comfortable in your house.
It's clear you just don't like them much so you're finding reasons for them not to stay.

My ex in-laws were way "worse" with their habits but we still enjoyed having them to stay and the kids loved it so it was worth a bit of annoyance. They were family so we loved them warts and all.

As for the passive aggressive, "please start", I dunno...do family expect to uphold formal dining etiquette when they come round? Ours don't.

My parents never used to wait for others when food was served and it drove me mad. However, I have since learned that the correct etiquette is to wait for everyone when the food is cold but hot food should be eaten as soon as the individual is served. Apparently the royals adhere to this rule so if you ever have them round Charles and Camilla will be tucking in without waiting for everyone else 😂

Part reasonable, part unreasonable.

MIL asked me are least 3x earlier this week before leaving if she should make her bed. Each time, I said, no don't worry, I am going to strip it. In the end, she made it and then I stripped it. It made no difference to my level of effort but more for her. On that basis, I think it is unreasonable to be annoyed with a made bed.

Dishes in sink can be easily moved. And I am quite particular about the order in which I wash things. So also see it as unreasonable to get irritated.

Starting eating before everyone is there. Now this is where I think you are completely reasonable. And I know I am a monumental snob about it. I find it disrespectful to my time preparing a meal and uncouth for people to start scoffing their food down before everyone is sitting down. It is rude and uncivilised. We all have our red lines. This is one of mine. And yes, I am being a little hyperbolic about it but it does give me inner rage when MIL does it. Her husband and her mum were similarly dragged up.

Eating before the host has started eating themselves is just rude. Family or not. Your DH should ask them to wait every time.

The rest, personally it would annoy me a little but not enough to say something.

My oh wouldn’t DREAM of being so rude as to ask a guest to strip a bed! It’s low class to do so.

the eating thing? Annoying, perhaps insist on grace being said before meals? 🤣

although there is the phrase “when 2 are served, all may eat”

maybe plate up and leave them until last?