To be worried about cost vs fairness for DC2 education

Agree totally with this

You absolutely cannot lay this level of guilt on dc2!
“yeah well dc2 if you want treated the same then it’ll be your fault we don’t go on fancy holidays” ?!
@PleaseFoxOff what does dc1 ehcp say? Can it name his current school for la to fund?

I have 3 DCs the older 2 are thriving in the local comp. DC1 is undiagnosed ND but is going great academically and will be leaving with 7,8,9s in his GCSEs. DC2 is NT loves school and is doing ok, he's not as academic and plans on getting a trade.
DC3 is ND has an EHCP and is very behind academically they will be starting an independent very expensive (state paid for) ASD school. This is the right place for them and they wouldn't survive in a mainstream school. Yes they will have a lot more opportunities at this school as there is a heavy emphasis on holistic learning so will have access to more trips, horse riding and enrichment. But will leave with life skills and very little academic qualifications. This will enable them to live an independent life. They will never attend uni or be able to get a high paid job.
The older DCs will be able to use their academic qualifications to go to uni or get trades etc and also live fulfilling lives.

I view this disparity in their educations as leveling up DC3. Both the older DCs support this fully and understand DC3s challenges.

Honestly attention and supporting dc2’s hobbies and interests will be enough to balance it out. Children only need to feel important, as long as dc2 feels that in other ways then the different school won’t be a big deal

We always said we would never treat our kids them the same but would be fair. They are different people and you have to play to their individual strengths and weaknesses. If DC1 needs a private SEN school then putting DC2 into private just because of that would be treating them the same in my opinion. it may be detrimental to DC2 you simply don’t know.

Treat them as completely separate people looking at their individual needs. You haven’t actually said how’s DC1 future as an adult looks as it depends on how much of “not a level playing field” they have at present.

If DC2 is likely to thrive in state then I would spend money on school trips, private tutoring if need be to give him the best outcome of exam results. He may like a local school with friends close by and enjoy the social aspect. Be prepared though in case he doesn’t thrive in state and then you may have to look at a private school for him too.

I sent one youngest DC to private school for 4 years due to SEN and not coping in our local primary school. Older DC stayed at local primary school, their own choice, they were asked each term if they wanted to go private. Older DC remained in local primary then secondary and younger DC joined secondary in year 8.

It never worried me that I had spent money on younger DC as we were doing what was best for their them. However, things changed when older DC went to Uni and would eventually leave Uni with debt of less than I’d spent on younger DC’s education. I have subsequently retuned to full time work and will pay for both DC’s Uni (or as much as I can).

Does your DS2 want to change to a private school? I think you should have a conversation with him as he may want to go with his friends to the local high school and might do well there. If he understands his brother is thriving in private he might not see it as something to compare just as helping his brother. If he doesn’t want to change to private maybe you could start saving for him to help through college, uni or whatever when he is older?

I think it matters how good the local comp is for NT DC and the decision is not straightforward. I think you could parent through this but you’d need to provide plenty of opportunities for dc2 to follow their dreams which will create a sense of overall fairness.

My dd1 is a Very Able student and possibly gifted in some areas - which is a SEN in its own way but not one that anyone worries about at all. After a dreadful state primary experience she is happy at a secondary comp which is absolutely excellent: she can walk there, loads of friends nearby, and if you work hard, the results can be very good - not as good as private school, of course, but we try to supplement by paying for days out and holidays and extra curriculars. We will also make sure dd is fully supported to make the most of her university opportunities.

Younger DC2 is not academic and has a couple of minor SEN including hearing problems which in reality we cope with quite well at primary level. We are considering private secondary because this dc is a boy and there is no decent mixed/single sex school in our town that he could get into. I don’t know if ds will actually need a strong academic education but I would invest to secure that opportunity whereas I am happy to let dd take her chances in the state sector.

There is a lot to be said for going to a good local comprehensive - but if it’s not good, then I think the decision looks very different .

I have one in private and one in state ( Grammar ) There is no issue between them . The younger sibling did start at a good well regarded state comp but we moved them in year 9 . You do what’s right for each DC . Perhaps I’m lucky though that my older DC loves his school and friendship group and didn’t want to move for sixth form . Maybe start DC2 in state and monitor . Be ready and willing to pay for tutoring and ensure they get to do the hobbies they want

You’re gonna have to leave even this up at some stage, I always joke that my son was Ivf so he’s getting six grand less inheritance than the daughter.
But in the reality, some of them are spending their inheritance in advance. And that will be reflected

DC1 is at that school as they have a disability, not through some kind of preferential treatment. I doubt DC2 would be jealous of that.

This is just silly.,

Kids have different needs, if one child has mainstream needs that can be served in the state sector and one can only get what they need in the private sector, then that's life.,

What do you expect the OP to do - take their SN child out of their special school and let them sink in the comp, or bankrupt the family by paying a second set of school fees the younger one doesn't need?

As a parent you have to do what's best for each child within your means - for many families that means one kid in the private sector and one not.

DC2 may never think anything of it, or they might, but you just have to explain your logic and then they can make of it what they want.

It's not sensible for you to put yourself in penury to give DC2 a private eduction that isn't vital.

It’s not feasible to ‘invest’ £100,000 in other DC and DC will work out the disparity in treatment. Agree that fair doesn’t have to be the same, but disability aside £100,000 difference is hard to justify IMO.

If a DC gets a scholarships for a big discount on fees (unusual) then the monetary difference will be smaller. If however the discount means parents spending, say £80,000 instead of £100,000, it’s unfair to spend that much more on one DC IMO.

For those not versed in SEN parenting- special school/specialist schools means SEN school. It's just not comparable to regular private schools. The other dc is far more advantaged being at a state school and not having SEN

OP - can your DC's school not be paid for by an EHCP? I dont think I have ever heard of parents paying for SS beyond the first year or so?

My daughter went to private school and my son went to state.

Dd got a % bursary to a performing arts school and then at 6th form got a government Dance & Drama Award.

Admittedly we tried our son at a private school but it wasn’t right for him. They were not prepared to accommodate his reasonable adjustments so we moved him to state.

neither have ever been resentful.

I completely understand your conflict! We are facing the same with scholarships for eldest and no guarantee younger siblings will be offered anything in the years to come.

I would say it’s ok, but to temper future resentment, invest in your second child in other ways. Are they serious about a sport or instrument? Could you sign them up to intensive holiday courses or facilitate extra lessons/practices? Be prepared to invest in tutoring to ensure they have similar exam outcomes as at the private school. If your eldest gets opportunities for fantastic trips that the local just doesn’t offer, skip them.

Can you budget to compensate for any deficiencies in his state education by spending on clubs for sports and tutors for subjects where he’s struggling or even just as add ons to school provision to ensure he achieves at a high level? The last is what many Chinese and other immigrant families do as routine - regular additional tuition from first year of secondary school.

More cost effective and you can rightly justify this ( provided state school is ok) by saying state education makes it easier to get into many universities, apprenticeships and civil service.

OP hasn’t said her DC is disabled.

SEN and ‘specialist school’ could mean very different things.

If your other child has resentment because you had to pay for private education for their sibling with SEN due to a failure of the state system to provide, you aren’t raising them right. Teach them about fairness and equity.

I agree with people who are saying can you talk to your non-disabled DC about the implications of sending him to private school on your family finances and the things he'd maybe miss out on? It's not wrong to treat your kids differently, and in a sense the private school is like medical care your child might need. You wouldn't refuse to buy a child a good wheelchair because their siblings didn't need one. In a sense the private school is adaptive equipment your disabled child needs to give them opportunities their brother would get naturally - I can see why it's hard though.

I wouldn’t sacrifice holidays - my best memories as a child are the holidays we took as a family. When everyone is relaxed etc and really chats and bonds. I think it depends on what you value. I make sure our holidays are really culturally enriching. Several of our local private schools are all glitz and gloss and no substance, not all of course, but with every school you have to pick carefully. I have close friends who teach in both sectors.

What I would say children’s mental health and happiness are extremely important. If they can be happy in their local state school then all is good. If they aren’t, then that is another matter.
A family stressed out about private school fees is not a flourishing family either.

Agree with this, but also the poster who said what exact sacrifice will you have to make?
if it’s just not fancy holidays/hobbies for you and dc or the latest tech, why wouldn’t you?
could you honestly say to dc2, well you could also have went to a much better school, but I didn’t want to give up our holidays.
while it gives dc1 much more settled education, don’t forget about dc2 as a person in his own right- look at sources where they talk about the “glass child”.

We’re in this situation a bit further along. My eldest is in year 10, is autistic and is thriving at a really small, nurturing independent school. Her younger brother has just started year 7 and is at our nearest state school. DS was adamant that he wanted to stay with his friends and stay close to home - we tried putting him through the 11+ but his heart wasn’t in it as he didn’t want go to the grammar school. He refused to go to the private school open days (for the same reason). I think however he’s now starting to understand - as he complains about supply teachers, and poor behaviour. He’s doing well at the moment and is happy with his friendship groups but we’re keeping an eye on it and keeping an open mind... Affording private school with vat and fee increases would be very difficult though and we didn’t see that coming - fees at DD’s school have gone from £13k when she started to £21k in just a few years. I think whatever you do, your youngest has to be involved in the decision, and it depends so much on what the state and private options are near you.

Equal doesn’t mean identical. And so I would be at peace with your decision knowing that the specialist SEN provided vision is necessary for your son. There will be other opportunities for your other son. Save your money.