Partner doesn’t want me to set my alarm earlier than his

Why doesn't he get up at 06:30 on alternate days and get her washed and dressed so you can give her breakfast when you get up at seven, while he gets ready for work?

I agree with many here - Am AuDHD, as are both my children but I’ve also been a childminder/brownie and cub-scout leader… 630/645 on a school day is absolutely normal wake up [first alarm] time for 90%+ of families I’ve known - NT or ND - on a school/work day.

Both my children and I have ‘second’ alarms but we do also get up earlier on days that are important. You HAVE to be at school on time - regular late arrivals can lead to sanctions and even the safeguarding team getting involved. It’s disruptive to teachers and classmates and will ultimately negatively impact your child’s education as they will be missing the lesson set up/instructions/context of the first lesson of every day. And if she is arriving late she will feel anxious, dysregulated etc - so with your DDs AuDHD she actually needs to be there earlier.

I’m afraid you DP/DH needs to a) wake up to the fact he is a parent and his child’s needs take precedent; b) that he is in a relationship and his needs have to be negotiated WITH his partner, not imposed upon them; and c) that his child [and partner] are ND and this will not change so he needs to grow up and step up.

If he is not willing to move on this, I do think you need to reevaluate your relationship. I know it may be that you wanted a ‘normal’ family set up for your child, but you don’t have that with him living with you. You have one family member riding roughshod over the needs of everyone else. And, as others have mentioned/asked, I am willing to bet that it’s not the only area where he is controlling (meal timings and content, TV usage, etc?)

As I say I am AuDHD as are the kids and my DH has struggled with periods of chaos and our learning how to function as a family. Excessive MH issues for my eldest (and me, if I am honest with anxiety/depression) mean that our family life has been hard, but DH has always understood that the children's needs, safety, futures are what we both prioritise together. There are other men out there who would support you better - but it is actually okay to go it alone and not rely on a partner at all. I hope you have friends/family IRL who can support you as it is clear your DP isn’t.

If he needs to leave for work at 7.30 you setting your alarm for 6.30 seems reasonable for both of you.
Working together in that hour could improve things for you all in the mornings.
i would have more empathy for him if the alarm time you were suggesting was unreasonable for him and suggest strategies .
Also the nature of long morning routine for you and your daughter might be improved if your partner works with you both and this would benefit you all,surely waking up an hour before leaving the house for work for him would be worth it to help the family?

You should set your alarm at a time that works for you and your daughter. Someone who is kind and supportive would understand this.

Explain you are going to set it earlier as DD has additional needs and you need longer to ensure you can get her ready for school in a calmer and more organised way. If he objects, ask yourself what that says about him and his attitude to you and DD. You are and adult caring for a child with additional needs. You dont need his permission to wake up a bit earlier. He should be supporting you in getting DD ready not fussing about a slightly earlier alarm. He can go to bed earlier if he is tired.

You don't ask permission in your own house to set your alarm for whenever you need?!

You just do it.

And yes it's fine for him to move out if it's a deal breaker for him.

In fact tell him you feel exactly the same way. You'll wake when you choose to and if he doesn't like it he can sleep elsewhere.

Tell him to bog off

I can’t see why his schedule takes priority over yours. And you don’t need to ask him re when to put your alarm. You don’t have to bend around him. I don’t know how the rest of your relationship is, but maybe reflect on if you are often trying to accommodate his needs. If so, that’s not how things should work as there needs to be accommodation on both sides. Good luck x

I suspect the issue is the two alarms.

Dh is dreadful at getting up to his alarm. Along the lines of:
Alarm 1 goes off. Wakes me. He lies there with it going off until I poke him and tell him to switch it off. He picks up phone, drops it, scrabbles to find his reading glasses. Gives up, mutters why isn't his alarm switching off as he swipes upwards. Eventually I leave over, swipe sideways and the alarm stops
He starts snoring. I'm wide awake. I'm just drifting off when alarm 2 goes off. Repeat method for alarm 1.
Repeat with alarm 3.
About 10 minutes after alarm 3 I poke him and remind him to get up. He grunts. Then switches the light on. Now I am totally and utterly awake.

For me. I have my alarm off normally before it's started the music and is still buzzing. I grab my clothes, got ready the night before, and go and dress in the (warmer) bathroom. He doesn't even disturb slightly normally.

I leave before him in the morning, which is a good thing.

I remember pointing out that I could get three under 8s up and out in the morning without disturbing him, but him going out in the morning on his own woke everyone else up too!

So if you're like dh, I have every sympathy for your partner.
If you're like me, then no sympathy at all. 🤣

That makes his behaviour even worse! He should be supporting his daughter to get to school on time and if he does nothing else that should mean getting up early enough for her not to have to rush. He could actually get her breakfast ready while you help her.
Don't ever ask his permission to do anything. Tell him what you are going to do. Don't take any nonsense from him.

But it’s nothing like this. The alarm is at 6.30. The guy wakes up at 7 anyway. He’s out of the house for 7.30

if if were getting up for a run at 4am say, he’d have a point

I’m shocked at some of the posts on here sometimes! You are an adult you are doing what is best for you and your child so you can decide what time you set your alarm for in the morning. those 10 minutes late every day to school has an impact on your child and will have an impact on you as all those 10 minutes add up and the attendance officer at school will be monitoring that.
I would be telling him to take his alarm with him when he leaves as why is he allowed to control your life!

Why, why, why do women put up with this shit......????

He left you soon after you had a child, he left you again because of an alarm.

FFS....get rid

He’s waving a red flag right in your face. How controlling!

Hang on. He gets up at 7 so he can leave by 7.30… so how does he have time to help his daughter in the morning?
would he not be better getting up with you at 6.30 and actually helping you to get into a routine?
He needs to think about what works for the family not just him.

He can set his alarm earlier then yours won’t go off before his

Well, he can move right back on out then, can’t he?

I set my alarm for 6am on New Year’s Day and got up to exercise. No complaints from Dh. I operate on a basis that no one has to sleep in the same bed with me if my sleeping or waking bothers them.

He can sleep somewhere else if he doesn’t like it - spare room or even his own place - and stop being a twat.

If he doesn’t like it tough! Get rid of he’s going to be so controlling over something as trivial as your alarm time - if you need to get up earlier you do it! If you want to get up earlier you do it. Don’t let him dictate

You are being responsible. You know what a struggle it is to get ready and get somewhere on time so you've got plans to get it done. He's got the arseache over half an hour!

It is really important that your DC gets to school on time.

If he doesn't like it he can move out.

Why are you even asking him??! You do whatever needs to be done to get yourselves ready in time. Fuck him.

My husband's alarm goes off at 4am and I can't sleep after that so I understand how your partner feels. However, your priority should be you and your daughter and doing what's best for you both. His needs in this scenario do not trump yours.

Get a personal alarm eg one that vibrates on your wrist so that he is not listening to a beeping alarm I think this is fair.

🚩🚩 this isn’t normal behaviour of your partner OP. Getting up at 7 isn’t particularly early, most families are up earlier.

He shouldn’t be dictating what happens, you’re a family and everyone’s needs should be considered.

It sounds like he’s not a kind person. I’d suggest living separately and quietly reevaluate what you want from a partner and family life. Someone who puts themselves about you and your child, probably not.

Ask him How does he expect you & child to be ready ?
How about he get Dd ready while you get ready? That will take the smile off his face.
Actually, No Tell him to Fuck off.

The split and reconciliation was a massive drip feed.

id kick him out again. You sound subordinate to him. It shouldn’t be like that

He can wear ear plugs or suck it up. 6:30 is a perfectly normal time to set an alwrm on a school and work day.
It won’t do him any harm waking up a bit earlier than he needs (he might get used to it and start sleeping through it).
But it is creating problems for you getting up later.

Is he controlling in day to day life?