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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my mum to take the kids to hers for a few hours

521 replies

LaylaSun77 · 01/01/2026 22:53

I asked my mum to take my 2 boys for a few hours as I am accompanying a friend to hospital to receive scan results (hospital is near her home). My mum said that she is "very particular about her house" and would prefer they didn't come but she would have them at my house. My boys are never asked to my mums house, my youngest child (age 3) thought she lived in a leisure centre because that's where we meet her and he hadn't ever been to her house. My oldest child has been to see her once in the past 4 or 5 years She always prefers to come to me. I have more room than she does and all their toys are at home etc so she finds it easier to visit them there and she "likes to get out of the house". I understand that but once in a while I think she could have them at her house in order to help out. I explained to her that my husband was going to take the christmas tree down and do some clearing out from christmas etc while I was out so it would really help- wouldnt really be of help if she was to visit us. Both me and DH work full time so are very busy. When she comes down she leaves the place in chaos and we have another person to tidy up after. She was never "particular" about her house when I was a child. She has another grandchild who is often invited to see her- she said this is because they live further away so she has to come in order to see her but with my kids she would rather come to my house. AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I feel that my children are missing out on going to gran's house and me and DH are missing out on being able to get the kids out of the house and have any time for ourselves. I feel that her other grandchild is the favourite and is treated differently. I invite my mum to my house often and cook her meals etc, most recently on Christmas day.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaylaSun77 · 02/01/2026 16:08

JontyGentooey · 02/01/2026 16:01

I'm with you OP. My in laws and parents are happy to watch DD3 occasionally but only ever at our house. They all say she will be unsettled if they have her over to theirs without us.

We respect their decision because they don't owe us childcare but unless I'm going out somewhere I now find this arrangement useless as I cannot get anything done with them all there and DC still wants me if she knows I'm in the house. I've stopped agreeing to it altogether and if I need the extra time I now book an additional day in nursery.

But yes It stings when they have other grandchildren round regularly for overnight stays which started from babyhood, and our child is excluded from this. She is incidentally a hell of a lot easier than the older grandkids! I think they're just exhausted from the older ones coming over, they are that bit older themselves, and don't want to start the same cycle all over again with the younger ones.

Edited

Exactly this. I don’t feel entitled at all and pay for full time childcare. Ofcourse families call upon each other when they need help with something and I am grateful for any help I get. Asking and not t getting is ok too but does string a bit on this occasion. Agree though- it’s not helpful or productive when gran visits - it’s really lovely to see her ofcourse and I love having her for dinner and kids get to see her but not always really a huge help - and odd when 1 DGC invited but not others.

OP posts:
JontyGentooey · 02/01/2026 16:01

I'm with you OP. My in laws and parents are happy to watch DD3 occasionally but only ever at our house. They all say she will be unsettled if they have her over to theirs without us.

We respect their decision because they don't owe us childcare but unless I'm going out somewhere I now find this arrangement useless as I cannot get anything done with them all there and DC still wants me if she knows I'm in the house. I've stopped agreeing to it altogether and if I need the extra time I now book an additional day in nursery.

But yes It stings when they have other grandchildren round regularly for overnight stays which started from babyhood, and our child is excluded from this. She is incidentally a hell of a lot easier than the older grandkids! I think they're just exhausted from the older ones coming over, they are that bit older themselves, and don't want to start the same cycle all over again with the younger ones.

Original poster
LaylaSun77 · 02/01/2026 15:50

Peridoteage · 02/01/2026 15:00

All boys are a bit boisterous I suppose

No, they aren't if you don't let them. I don't let mine fight or charge around like hooligans. If yours are quite messy and likely to wind up with the house a mess and things broken, that's why she will want to have them at yours - she doesn't want to tidy up her house after boisterous kids.

This isn't that unusual, lots of gp prefer to have gc at the gcs home because its easier to manage them when they have all their own toys etc.

Yes - you are right - she doesn’t want to tidy up her house after boisterous kids. Not every 3 year old child is the same - some are neuro divergent, some are quiet, some (most I would say) are energetic. I don’t think this can be trained out of them but it would be nice to get them used to going to other people’s houses. I accept my family warts and all into my home but not everyone thinks this should be expected and I respect those views. Thank you for your commentary and view points.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaylaSun77 · 02/01/2026 15:20

Pearlyb · 02/01/2026 15:17

But you said in your opening post -

"me and DH are missing out on being able to get the kids out of the house and have any time for ourselves", which makes you sound entitled. You really should just use the nanny if you want some time for yourselves and not expect that your mother looks after your kids for free if she doesn't want to. Though she did offer to help, but that didn't please you.

I'm not sure why you are spending so much time on this forum justifying yourself to people you don't know. Not everyone agrees with you but that's life, perhaps consider why it's so important for you to come across as the one who is right.

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I suppose I am just following the responses and answering those who have taken the time to respond.

OP posts:
Pearlyb · 02/01/2026 15:17

LaylaSun77 · 02/01/2026 02:58

I have a paid childminder for when I work, and I never said I “ regularly” wanted anything or to ever put my feet up? I said it was a one off because we have a lot on and ahe lives near by the hospital, Thanks for your feedback.

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But you said in your opening post -

"me and DH are missing out on being able to get the kids out of the house and have any time for ourselves", which makes you sound entitled. You really should just use the nanny if you want some time for yourselves and not expect that your mother looks after your kids for free if she doesn't want to. Though she did offer to help, but that didn't please you.

I'm not sure why you are spending so much time on this forum justifying yourself to people you don't know. Not everyone agrees with you but that's life, perhaps consider why it's so important for you to come across as the one who is right.

Original poster
LaylaSun77 · 02/01/2026 15:15

Bearybasket · 02/01/2026 15:13

Do you ever offer to visit her with the kids?

I have done and she has said she will come to us.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaylaSun77 · 02/01/2026 15:14

tealandteal · 02/01/2026 15:12

For some people it’s normal that grandparents are not involved and for others it’s not. You might just have to remind yourself what your normal is, which might be that your mum only sees the kids at yours. My mum usually comes to us which I prefer as there are more things for them to do here and her house is not very suitable. Their other grandparent has them for a week in the summer but doesn’t see them as regularly.

Yes - that’s true. My normal is not to have this kind of support and for the kids not to be invited to my mums. I am ok with that but do feel a little hurt given that my sister is welcome and I do so much for my family in general

OP posts:
Bearybasket · 02/01/2026 15:13

Do you ever offer to visit her with the kids?

Original poster
LaylaSun77 · 02/01/2026 15:12

Peridoteage · 02/01/2026 15:02

Does your sister have a quiet, well behaved daughter by any chance? Is her child older than yours and more likely to sit quietly reading or drawing?

One child is always easier than two.

i don’t think she is any different other than being a girl and playing with dolls (my sister and I had loads of dolls and they are all there for her to play with) but there’s also board games and teddies, a toy kitchen, and lots of other things the could play with plus a good size garden with a ball, pop up tent, and toys in garage.

OP posts:
tealandteal · 02/01/2026 15:12

For some people it’s normal that grandparents are not involved and for others it’s not. You might just have to remind yourself what your normal is, which might be that your mum only sees the kids at yours. My mum usually comes to us which I prefer as there are more things for them to do here and her house is not very suitable. Their other grandparent has them for a week in the summer but doesn’t see them as regularly.

Original poster
LaylaSun77 · 02/01/2026 15:10

diddl · 02/01/2026 14:57

but since I will be near by I thought it might work.

But she hasn't had your children at her house for 3yrs.
.

yes - thankfully I’m not often at hospital and have full time childcare in place (not over Christmas though) I don’t generally ask and am never invited so I thought I might ask this once.

OP posts:
Peridoteage · 02/01/2026 15:02

Does your sister have a quiet, well behaved daughter by any chance? Is her child older than yours and more likely to sit quietly reading or drawing?

One child is always easier than two.

Peridoteage · 02/01/2026 15:00

All boys are a bit boisterous I suppose

No, they aren't if you don't let them. I don't let mine fight or charge around like hooligans. If yours are quite messy and likely to wind up with the house a mess and things broken, that's why she will want to have them at yours - she doesn't want to tidy up her house after boisterous kids.

This isn't that unusual, lots of gp prefer to have gc at the gcs home because its easier to manage them when they have all their own toys etc.

diddl · 02/01/2026 14:57

but since I will be near by I thought it might work.

But she hasn't had your children at her house for 3yrs.
.

Original poster
LaylaSun77 · 02/01/2026 14:42

Netcurtainnelly · 02/01/2026 14:31

I wouldnt stand for it. Stop.inviting her round until she return the favour.

Thanks, I wouldn’t do that to my mum, but I will maybe take a step back. I over do things running about after others and don’t really have the same level of support or help back so maybe I do need to change my approach so that DH and I don’t burn out.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaylaSun77 · 02/01/2026 14:41

MostlyHappyMummy · 01/01/2026 22:58

Why couldn't your children stay with their dad at home?

I’ve explained that they are doing that now since she’s said no but he had some stuff to do that can’t be done with kids (dump runs, attic, taking down Christmas tree etc) so it would have been helpful if they could have gone to her house for once. But it’s ok that they can’t 😌

OP posts:
Original poster
LaylaSun77 · 02/01/2026 14:39

diddl · 02/01/2026 14:34

I'd be looking into the not going to her hose for sure.

As for looking after the kids, well it would have been nice but it's not essential so I don't think that that is too much of an indication of anything that she said no.

Also if your mum wasn't near/en route to the hospital then would you still a have asked?

No I wouldn’t have asked had she not been near but since I will be near by I thought it might work. Seems a bit odd to be passing her house, me and DH lots to do and she’s sat on her own. I thought she may like to have them for a few hours, that maybe she just hasn’t thought to ask them and does seem to enjoy having my niece. Granny’s house is usually such a fun place for a child to visit.

OP posts:
diddl · 02/01/2026 14:34

I'd be looking into the not going to her hose for sure.

As for looking after the kids, well it would have been nice but it's not essential so I don't think that that is too much of an indication of anything that she said no.

Also if your mum wasn't near/en route to the hospital then would you still a have asked?

Original poster
LaylaSun77 · 02/01/2026 14:31

TheLemonLemur · 02/01/2026 14:20

Do you visit your mums home without the kids? Are there issues she doesn't want you to see? My nd family member didn't like visitors until an emergency meant I had to and found serious issues with damp, hoarding etc

No - my sister and her child are invited but me and my DC are not. I went to visit on way home from work out of curiosity (thought it odd not to have been in many years) and the place was looking fantastic,

OP posts:
Netcurtainnelly · 02/01/2026 14:31

I wouldnt stand for it. Stop.inviting her round until she return the favour.

Original poster
LaylaSun77 · 02/01/2026 14:27

seasid · 02/01/2026 14:16

I would side with you if you was asking as you had not a single other option, such as being a single parent and having no other childcare options. But you have a full on partner who’s at home, he’s not working he’s not doing anything else - he’s fully capable of looking after the children. It seems kind of toxic that he wants to put the decorations down the very time period you’re needing the children looked after. Why doesn’t he do it the day before, why not the day after or even later in the evening when you’re home? It feels very controlling both on your partners part as well as your own for being entitled with your parents

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I’ve explained already (you might not have seen) that we’ve had a full on Christmas of entertaining family including my mum, my DH goes back to work the next day and he has an illness which means he takes meds which make him drowsy at night. It’s not an essential thing - it was just something I thought we could do and would be an opportunity for DC to visit gran and for parents to do what we needed to do. It’s not toxic at all. There is no issue - he is happy to do the jobs another time. It was me who asked my mum as I recall going to grandparents houses weekly and thought as she’s one off it might be an option but clearly it’s not.

OP posts:
TheLemonLemur · 02/01/2026 14:20

Do you visit your mums home without the kids? Are there issues she doesn't want you to see? My nd family member didn't like visitors until an emergency meant I had to and found serious issues with damp, hoarding etc

seasid · 02/01/2026 14:16

LaylaSun77 · 01/01/2026 23:10

Thank you for the feedback. If it is entitled to ask my mum to have grandkids a few hours once in a blue moon (ie once every 3 or 4 years) while I am driving a friend to get scan results for cancer then maybe I should reflect. I thought it would be supportive and a great help and I would not think twice about helping out a friend or family member in this way. All boys are a bit boisterous I suppose but I thought she could take them to park or let them watch a movie to help out on this occasion.

I would side with you if you was asking as you had not a single other option, such as being a single parent and having no other childcare options. But you have a full on partner who’s at home, he’s not working he’s not doing anything else - he’s fully capable of looking after the children. It seems kind of toxic that he wants to put the decorations down the very time period you’re needing the children looked after. Why doesn’t he do it the day before, why not the day after or even later in the evening when you’re home? It feels very controlling both on your partners part as well as your own for being entitled with your parents

owlpassport · 02/01/2026 14:16

Differentforgirls · 02/01/2026 13:22

Most of feedback is in support of the OP. I‘m sorry if your own children manipulate you this way but it’s not normal and not what the case is here.

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I'm reading it very differently to you then. Also 69% YABU at the moment so, that's not really most feedback being in support. I don't have children but thanks for your sympathy IG ✌️

Hoardasurass · 02/01/2026 14:09

bananafake · 02/01/2026 11:44

No the hyperbole is from you telling the OP that her entitlement is off the scale asking her mother to look after her children for a couple of hours outside the OP’s house. FFS you obviously haven’t read MN for five minutes with all the CFs aplenty if you think that is entitlement.

The mother hasn’t offered to take the children to the park or to soft play and that’s clearly not something she does otherwise the OP would have suggested it so disingenuous of you to bring it up.

She has said they will find a way of doing the Christmas decs another time. She wasn’t asking for solutions. She seems perfectly resourceful and able to resolve things.

She’s not manipulative. She’s just sad and upset her mum won’t help her. I think that’s reasonable it’s not being a victim. That’s just mean girls language from people without empathy. She and her husband manage things the rest of the time, she clearly helps her friends, both she and her husband work, she hosts and caters for her mother. She’s not a victim that plays helpless, she’s a kind person who puts herself out for others and would like this to be reciprocated once in a blue moon.

It’s very sad when we live in a society where this kind of support is deemed entitlement from people like you just because you feel hard done by.

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We will have to agree to disagree on the ops motives and how she comes across on this thread as we appear to have very different opinions of her