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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my mum to take the kids to hers for a few hours

521 replies

LaylaSun77 · 01/01/2026 22:53

I asked my mum to take my 2 boys for a few hours as I am accompanying a friend to hospital to receive scan results (hospital is near her home). My mum said that she is "very particular about her house" and would prefer they didn't come but she would have them at my house. My boys are never asked to my mums house, my youngest child (age 3) thought she lived in a leisure centre because that's where we meet her and he hadn't ever been to her house. My oldest child has been to see her once in the past 4 or 5 years She always prefers to come to me. I have more room than she does and all their toys are at home etc so she finds it easier to visit them there and she "likes to get out of the house". I understand that but once in a while I think she could have them at her house in order to help out. I explained to her that my husband was going to take the christmas tree down and do some clearing out from christmas etc while I was out so it would really help- wouldnt really be of help if she was to visit us. Both me and DH work full time so are very busy. When she comes down she leaves the place in chaos and we have another person to tidy up after. She was never "particular" about her house when I was a child. She has another grandchild who is often invited to see her- she said this is because they live further away so she has to come in order to see her but with my kids she would rather come to my house. AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I feel that my children are missing out on going to gran's house and me and DH are missing out on being able to get the kids out of the house and have any time for ourselves. I feel that her other grandchild is the favourite and is treated differently. I invite my mum to my house often and cook her meals etc, most recently on Christmas day.

OP posts:
Holluschickie · 02/01/2026 05:54

Calendulaaria · 02/01/2026 05:49

Neither grandparent of either side of my family has ever looked after my children, not once. They are now older teenagers, so not needed. Would have been helpful as a single parent when they were little. I would have been very happy for my mum to look after them - anywhere she wanted.

Well, that's terrible. What awful GPs.

Calendulaaria · 02/01/2026 05:49

Neither grandparent of either side of my family has ever looked after my children, not once. They are now older teenagers, so not needed. Would have been helpful as a single parent when they were little. I would have been very happy for my mum to look after them - anywhere she wanted.

redteapot · 02/01/2026 05:40

Have you been to your mum's house recently? Is it possible that she has got in a bit of a mess / hoarding, etc. and doesn't want anyone to see it?

Holluschickie · 02/01/2026 05:31

Huh. Usually am on the side of GPs but I think YANBU and are getting an undeserved kicking.
So odd to never have your grandkids to your house.

mamajong · 02/01/2026 05:31

Yanbu to ask her to help out but she is not being unreasonable to offer to come to you either. If her having them at yours would prevent DH from doing the tree, despite your mum.being there to watch them, then perhaps their behaviour is quite challenging and thats why she doesnt want them at hers? Otherwise i dont see why her watching them at yours would prevent dh from getting on? She has not said no to helping, she would just rather come tp you

Vera87 · 02/01/2026 05:22

Is there a deeper reason here? Maybe she’s ashamed of her house through hoarding or messiness

GAJLY · 02/01/2026 05:16

arethereanyleftatall · 01/01/2026 23:18

But she isn’t having them so that you can go with your friend to her cancer scan.
she’s having them so that your husband can take the Christmas tree down in peace.
she said yes anyway, you just don’t like the location.
you are being massively unreasonable and entitled.

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Agreed

Cattywillow · 02/01/2026 05:14

My father is like this about my parents’ house. I never asked them to have my boys at theirs when they were young, mostly because I didn’t want my kids to be made uncomfortable and yelled at to not touch anything. Far better for them to be ant home and if you mother is happy to look after them at yours then that should be enough.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 02/01/2026 04:25

LaylaSun77 · 01/01/2026 23:16

Wow, havent heard the word brat in 20 years! Thanks for your honesty. Its a lot easier to put things away in attic etc when you have an hour to yourself. Its fine- it will be done another time. I was just a bit taken aback not to have any support. I thought that this was quite a normal thing to have family help sometimes. thank you for your opinion

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Your mother has offered to help - in the family home. Presumably the children can be contained to one room for a bit while your husband clears up, other than in that room. I wonder if other things are going on which is otherwise colouring your response to your mother agreeing to look after two high energy children, but just in their own home

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 02/01/2026 04:19

LaylaSun77 · 01/01/2026 23:10

Thank you for the feedback. If it is entitled to ask my mum to have grandkids a few hours once in a blue moon (ie once every 3 or 4 years) while I am driving a friend to get scan results for cancer then maybe I should reflect. I thought it would be supportive and a great help and I would not think twice about helping out a friend or family member in this way. All boys are a bit boisterous I suppose but I thought she could take them to park or let them watch a movie to help out on this occasion.

"All boys are a bit boisterous"

Her home probably isn't child proof and she's anxious about looking after two boisterous boys. Presumably your family home is adapted to and more appropriate for boisterous boys and poses less of a risk to children of their age (and also less risk to a home and belongings)

Original poster
LaylaSun77 · 02/01/2026 02:58

Pearlyb · 02/01/2026 02:54

YABU. Try as you might frame it like you are the victim here, you are not.

Your mother offered to help, if you don't want to accept it then that's on you. Your OH didn't have to clear up the house from top to bottom on that exact day, so your mother offering help was already kind of her. If she doesn't want your kids around then you have to respect that.

Sounds like you're bitter to her in general that she doesn't have them around every now and again so that you're DH can have the house to yourselves. That comes across very entitled. She didn't choose to have those children, you did, so they are your responsibility. You can't expect to be able to bung them off to someone else regularly so that you can put your feet up! If you value some time for yourself, you get a paid nanny, it's not your mother's job to do it.

Anyway, really do hope your friend is OK. But her unfortunate situation doesn't win you any pity points.

I have a paid childminder for when I work, and I never said I “ regularly” wanted anything or to ever put my feet up? I said it was a one off because we have a lot on and ahe lives near by the hospital, Thanks for your feedback.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaylaSun77 · 02/01/2026 02:55

BooneyBeautiful · 02/01/2026 01:45

But your home is child-proofed and geared up to small children. My GD is almost 18 months old and myself and/or one of her parents has to keep an eye on her at all times when she is visiting me. Am not too worried about her breaking anything, but obviously wouldn't want her to hurt herself. It really is much easier to have them looked after in their own home.

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That’s lovely you have her over. I know it’s a lot of work watching little ones especially at that age.

OP posts:
Pearlyb · 02/01/2026 02:54

YABU. Try as you might frame it like you are the victim here, you are not.

Your mother offered to help, if you don't want to accept it then that's on you. Your OH didn't have to clear up the house from top to bottom on that exact day, so your mother offering help was already kind of her. If she doesn't want your kids around then you have to respect that.

Sounds like you're bitter to her in general that she doesn't have them around every now and again so that you're DH can have the house to yourselves. That comes across very entitled. She didn't choose to have those children, you did, so they are your responsibility. You can't expect to be able to bung them off to someone else regularly so that you can put your feet up! If you value some time for yourself, you get a paid nanny, it's not your mother's job to do it.

Anyway, really do hope your friend is OK. But her unfortunate situation doesn't win you any pity points.

Original poster
LaylaSun77 · 02/01/2026 02:53

LAMPS1 · 02/01/2026 02:47

It IS a kindness to your friend to accompany her to her scan results.
But at the same time as wanting to do the small kindness for your friend, you expect your mum to pay the price to enable it. That isn’t fair on your mum, especially when you know she doesn’t like to have the children at her house where she has no toys to entertain them.
It isn’t a kindness if you are upsetting your mum at the same time. She could sit with them at yours watching a film and eating snacks for a hour and your DH could get as much done as possible in that time.
Be grateful you have a mum prepared to help you be kind to your friend. It can’t all be on your terms. Your kind mum also has a say.

There’s loads of things at my mums for the kids. They have a “toy room”’with our old toys which my niece plays with and she has a big garden. It’s definitely not upsetting my mum - she said no and she wasn’t discussing it. I just said “ok- no problem” so I don’t think I’ve upset my mum by asking if it would suit,

OP posts:
Original poster
LaylaSun77 · 02/01/2026 02:51

chilling19 · 02/01/2026 02:47

Yes, this. My house is a little kingdom for my grandson - his fave foods, his own settee, tv that he likes. Just like my grandparents did for me. An oasis of calm in the midst of a busy life. YANBU OP - I would be hurt too.

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That sounds lovely. My boys would love that. They just love somewhere different don’t they and to feel they have another place to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaylaSun77 · 02/01/2026 02:49

Gingganggoo · 02/01/2026 02:47

LaylaSun77 I dont know how to answer posts properly lol! But yes, it's out in the open now so we're addressing it. She'd been very ill with her back, but insisted she was fine. I got suspicious when I went round to surprise her on her birthday, but she wouldnt let me in. We had to have a showdown, but she's facing up to it now. We are planning a skip and deep clean.

thats great. It must be a very difficult thing to admit to and accept help for. I’m so glad she’s getting it sorted with your help.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaylaSun77 · 02/01/2026 02:48

MissDoubleU · 02/01/2026 02:43

But your DM has offered to be an extra pair of hands at your home?? Surely that’s good enough. Children do better being minded where they love and where all their toys are anyway. There’s nothing for them at your DM‘s.

Reality is your DH wanted some child free time, not an extra pair of hands.

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That’s right - some child free time to do things that he can’t do when the kids are here.

OP posts:
Gingganggoo · 02/01/2026 02:47

LaylaSun77 I dont know how to answer posts properly lol! But yes, it's out in the open now so we're addressing it. She'd been very ill with her back, but insisted she was fine. I got suspicious when I went round to surprise her on her birthday, but she wouldnt let me in. We had to have a showdown, but she's facing up to it now. We are planning a skip and deep clean.

chilling19 · 02/01/2026 02:47

Busybeemumm · 01/01/2026 23:51

my youngest child (age 3) thought she lived in a leisure centre because that's where we meet her and he hadn't ever been to her house.

I think this is really sad. A big part of childhood is visiting granny and being spoilt at her home. It all seems bizarre to me. Yes boys are boisterous and young children can be messy but that's all part of the joy for most grandparents.

Yes, this. My house is a little kingdom for my grandson - his fave foods, his own settee, tv that he likes. Just like my grandparents did for me. An oasis of calm in the midst of a busy life. YANBU OP - I would be hurt too.

LAMPS1 · 02/01/2026 02:47

It IS a kindness to your friend to accompany her to her scan results.
But at the same time as wanting to do the small kindness for your friend, you expect your mum to pay the price to enable it. That isn’t fair on your mum, especially when you know she doesn’t like to have the children at her house where she has no toys to entertain them.
It isn’t a kindness if you are upsetting your mum at the same time. She could sit with them at yours watching a film and eating snacks for a hour and your DH could get as much done as possible in that time.
Be grateful you have a mum prepared to help you be kind to your friend. It can’t all be on your terms. Your kind mum also has a say.

MissDoubleU · 02/01/2026 02:43

LaylaSun77 · 01/01/2026 23:12

he could do and will do- as I say it was just an extra pair of hands to help as we have had a busy and stressful few weeks and its his last day off work. does no one elses mums ever take their kids to their house ever?

But your DM has offered to be an extra pair of hands at your home?? Surely that’s good enough. Children do better being minded where they love and where all their toys are anyway. There’s nothing for them at your DM‘s.

Reality is your DH wanted some child free time, not an extra pair of hands.

GreenHuia · 02/01/2026 02:33

I completely understand! Sometimes you just want to focus on getting a task done, and it can be hard to do that with kids around, even with another adult to supervise them. I get why your mum prefers to look after your boys in their own home with their own toys to play with, but I really don't understand why she can't have them at her home occasionally.

Scohpahni · 02/01/2026 02:12

MostlyHappyMummy · 01/01/2026 22:58

Why couldn't your children stay with their dad at home?

My first thought

BooneyBeautiful · 02/01/2026 02:09

LaylaSun77 · 02/01/2026 01:51

there isnt really a lot of room- bedrooms beside attic- living room is where he will be taking tree from. he has to go to the dump and they would be wanting to come etc and running about after him. it would have just been easier to do it alone but its ok- will now be done another time.

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Yes, I guess sometimes it is easier to have the children looked after elsewhere, depending on what needs doing.

FlockOfSausages · 02/01/2026 02:09

Taking children to a house that isn’t childproof and has no toys or form of entertainment is a recipe for disaster and stressful for both the adult and children. How did you imagine they were going to entertain themselves? It sounds like you’ve declined her offer to mind them at yours because they’ll still mither your husband. Why is this, do they listen to her?

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