to ask my mum to take the kids to hers for a few hours

What is strange is people's responses to a perfectly normal request from a daughter to a mother. Unreal!

There’s a massive difference between that though and what the OP’s talking about. You had childcare not a bit of babysitting. That’s a huge ask because it’s a regular commitment. In that instance I would expect it to be fitted around the person doing the massive favour.

OP I think people are being a bit harsh. Sometimes posts like this just become a pile on. For what it’s worth, my own parents don’t really like having my 2 DC in their home. They are very particular about the house and my DF has an issue with taking calls while they are there. I just accept it as their house their rules. Your DM has offered to help, I would focus on that.

Her mum offered her help though, just with clearly defined boundaries.

I wish more women would do this - help others because it's nice to help others, but be upfront about any limitations they need to apply to that offer, to protect their own needs.

OP, it sucks she isn't more helpful! She doesn't have to help you, but that doesn't mean it isn't annoying when she won't. I often find its also the ones that then like to go around bragging how hands on and helpful they are and had lots of grandparents help themselves that are the least helpful!

I have one friend who's mum refused to have their older child while she gave birth because she had 'done her time'. She helped her mum all the time which promptly stopped much to her mum's confusion of course.

You'll just have to leave them with your DH, stick a film on to distract them as much as possible and crack on.

It is normal OP. Or used to be. Mumsnet is WEIRD about asking for family help- can’t tell if it’s a reflection of real family dynamics (possibly, as my family aren’t at all close) or a MN quirk.

I will say though that I see a lot of these threads, and I think there are a lot of grandparents out there that are going to find their children much less inclined to blow up their lives to provide elderly care, than they might have been.

Give and take and all that.

Haven't read the whole thread but wow! People are absolute dicks 😂

You are not entitled, or a brat. You are a couple of parents asking for a bit of help, and it would be nice if your mum helped!!

Im lucky that my mum would drop everything if I asked for help. Even for something as little as putting the tree away. I feel sorry for people who dont have a mum like mine. I hope im the same for my kids when they have families, I plan to be if im able.

Oh so because you had it hard and didn’t get any help that means no one else should? I didn’t get any help either - selfish parents - but that makes me more empathetic to the OP, not less. And I’m sorry you didn’t have any support, that sounds really tough.

It’s not entitlement off the scale for a one off act of support. Hyperbole much?

There is a playroom full of them.

I can see your point on this occasion tbf, but overarchingly I think your mum has a point. It's much easier to look after small kids in their home with their own stuff handy.

When my daughter was small both grans helped
out with childcare around me and DH's work patterns and insisted on having them at their own houses, which regularly meant an extra 40 minute round trip in the wrong direction and back (my mum won't drive in rush hour traffic) and having to pack and cart piles of stuff about...which was a pain in the arse but they were helping out so 🤷🏼‍♀️

You do have support.
Your mums house clearly isn't set up for young children who as you put it yourself leave your house trashed and you find that stressful yourself yet you expect your mum to deal with it at her house without any toys.
You also have a husband who is off work and capable of looking after them, yet still winge and whine about a lack of support because your mum won't have dc at her house.
Your entitlement is off the scale and claiming that you have no support just because you're not getting what you want in the way you want it is a joke. Try being a widow with literally no family raising a disabled child and then come and talk to us about lack of support.
Oh and no not all boys are boisterous

You say you're not getting 'any support' but your mum has offered to come to your house to look after the DC - that IS support. You can't ask for help and then dictate exactly what that help should be. Maybe DM finds it easier to be in your house where their toys are? Maybe she likes the change of scene?

The OP has addressed this multiple times so that’s why I didn’t need to mention it again. She has explained why it wouldn’t work in her house. Obviously that doesn’t fit with your narrative but it makes perfect sense to me. If my husband had health issues and wanted to get a task done before going back to work I would think it makes more sense to ask someone to help to do that task in a way that actually helped my husband.

If you’re the kind of person who only helps when it doesn’t put you out that much but then doesn’t really help the other person either then I can see why you don’t get it.

Support wise no opinion from me, we have no local support family live a distance so we muddle through.

What struck me though is your little one thinking she lived in the leisure centre.

Have you been to your mum's house in the past few years you alone or as a family dropping in to say hello rather than babysitting favours? Does she allow anyone in?

If she leaves a mess at yours and doesn't allow any visitors at hers I'd wonder if she's coping at home, could it be she's embarrassed?

Did she ever have any collection tendencies that you know of?

It's a bit unfortunate but your DM did offer to help with the boys, just not to host them. If they've been poorly then maybe they're better off at home anyway.

Is DM's other grandchild a girl?

I’m wondering if you are in a bit of a hard place.

You want to help your friend which is lovely. Your DH wants to clear the house and it seems he wants to do it in a childfree home?

Im wondering if he’s giving you any grief for wanting to be with your friend, when he possibly thought you’d be around to sort the kids out.

Surely even if your mums there, he can still go to the attic and do a car run to the tip? - so why -on this occasion- does it matter so much that she won’t have them in her house? I can only guess that he’s guilting you because you want to be with your friend.

If this is the case, then I can see why your mums behaviour seems so hurtful. She could get you out of this relationship problem so easy? (And that’s what mums are for)

Maybe I’m over reaching?

I think people on this thread are telling you over and over the problem is your husbands inflexibility, not your mums.

I agree with this.

Plus, your DC are more than capable of helping with the decorations if they are given a couple of basic instructions. Then if your DM is at your house she can help and support with this and is there when DH does a tip run.

I really don't see what the issue is other than you not getting things your own way.

That’s just semantics the PP used strange in the sense of unusual or unreasonable and multiple people have called her that.

I think you’re getting an unnecessary pasting here. I don’t see anything wrong with your request, but perhaps it’s a sign of the times and lack of “village” that people keep talking about.
Asking your mum to have the kids for an hour or so while your husband does a big clean isn’t unreasonable in my eyes.

You have conveniently not addressed the issue raised by the poster I was responding to. It was very specific.

The responses on here are bizarre.

@LaylaSun77 of course you’re not being unreasonable to ask. Your mum is being precious. Good luck to your friend, I was alone when I got my cancer diagnosis so I know she will be grateful to have you there.

Well that’s fine. I don’t think people who’ve been selective about who they’ll help and not put themselves out but have regularly taken the hospitality of the other person (as the OP’s mother has) deserves their support indefinitely.

The OP’s sibling who IS regularly invited and looked after and whose child IS minded can take over those responsibilities.

So weird to me that you think one person is so entirely unreasonable to ask for a bit of help as a one off (and the OP has explained why it won’t work in her house multiple times and why her husband wants to get the jobs done at that exact time) yet the other person just deserves it because…

That can be your village but it isn’t mine. I don’t want people in my village who only ever expect help to flow in their favour. You can have them in your village and run yourself ragged looking after them if you like.

I think your AIBU got lost in your post because of the other issues (DH being home, friend waiting test results) and this distracted from what you wanted to ask which was whether you are being unreasonable in that you don't ever get to take your kids to your mum's house.
I think it's fair enough she has boundaries and this doesn't prevent her from seeing the grandchildren. Even in your scenario from yesterday she was still willing to help look after the children (despite DH being home) just at yours rather than hers. She has explained why her other grandchild can visits (but I assume that isn't frequent anyway) and it makes sense that she comes to you as you have all their toys etc.

You contradict yourself a little bit as one of your earlier posts here does state All boys are a bit boisterous I suppose but I thought she could take them to park or let them watch a movie to help out on this occasion which to me gives the impression that you know they can be 'lively' and you effectively wanted her to deal with that so that DH could do other jobs. It is quite cold out so it is unfair to expect her to take the children out because it benefits DH. Also if they are like my kids they won't just sit and watch a movie unless bribed with food and even then they might not sit through the whole thing. Also these suggestions could have been done at yours - surely there is a park near yours or you have films they could watch.
I think you should accept that you do have help and to be grateful for that.

Whoops. Pressed too soon..

I'm surprised to read posts from grandparents who think it's easier to look after the grandchildren at the GCs' house. I'm the opposite. I feel much more comfortable looking after mine in my own home, where I'm comfortable and they're part of my daily life. I feel out of place at theirs, and it's all a bit chaotic. I don't know what to do with myself some of the time.

I absolutely love the way they relate to my home, and the things they expect to do and play with when they're here (and look forward to). It's hard to explain, but there's a warmth and a sense of belonging that I see in their behaviour, and the way that they relate to simple things, (like the stool that they get to stand on to help me in the kitchen) and it warms my heart.

It also makes it easier for me to establish the behaviour that I'd like from them. They know 'Grandma's rules' and oblige me by following them. Whereas in their own home if I ask them to do the same, they aren't impressed!
Yes, the tidying up afterwards is a bit of a pain (Grandma's rule about tidying up before they leave, rarely results in an effective job) but it's worth every moment with them.