If I can't pay for dd's boyfriend

Oh give over.
She's their twenty something daughter not some medieval chattel who has to pick a side Game Of Thrones style.

Her family is still her family, he’s her partner. They aren’t in competition.

How does her DD going on holiday with her family stop her from going on a cheaper holiday with him?

Because it’s for 3 weeks which is going to be most of her holiday allocation.

I would be giving serious eyebrow to a young man who “struggled” so much with his girlfriend going away on an expensive family holiday that her parents started to feel some kind of obligation to offer to pay for him to cone on the next one too.

but also.know last time we went her boyfriend struggled being left.

What does this even mean? Struggled how? She went on holiday without him, what’s the big deal?

Because they’re in their 20s, and it’s time for her to choose where her loyalties lie.

Not horrible at all. I think time with just your family is really important.

If she still wants to come with you on a luxury trip and she's happy to leave her boyfriend at home, he'll just have to suck it up

Or dump her, which is what I would advise him.

How does her DD going on holiday with her family stop her from going on a cheaper holiday with him?

And why would you advise someone to dump their partner for going on holiday either their family?

If he can't cope with his girlfriend going away without him for a few weeks, it suggests their relationship isn't that strong or he doesnt trust her.

You don't need to feel obliged to pay for him or delay your own holiday for over a year, that's crazy. Just ask your DD if she still wants to join the family holiday or if these days, now she's older, she'd rather go on a different holiday with her boyfriend. There will come a time when she holidays with a partner instead of her parents - the time may have come.

If she still wants to come with you on a luxury trip and she's happy to leave her boyfriend at home, he'll just have to suck it up.

A normal young couple plan a holiday together within their budget. Because you’re wealthy, you’re whisking her off somewhere expensive for 3 weeks and he gets no holiday with his girlfriend.

I don’t agree with all the posters saying he’s unreasonable to be a bit miffed about this.

Basically, it’s your daughter’s responsibility to step up: expensive holiday bank-rolled by wealthy parents, leave boyfriend behind, or affordable holiday with boyfriend.

If she chooses the former, I’d be advising him to dump her.

I wouldn't have dreamed of expecting a boyfriend's parents to pay for me to go on holiday with them at that age! You have no reason to feel guilty, 3 weeks apart isn't so terrible and it's nice to spend time with just your own kids!

You want to delay your family holiday by 18 months so you can take your daughter's boyfriend so he's not on his own for 3 weeks?! Are you for real?? Don't be so daft.

How exactly does this 20 something adult man " struggle" when his GF goes on holiday?

Sounds to me like there could be some kind of guilt tripping going on here if either your DD or the BF are using this kind of language.

If he really cares for her, he should be happy for her to enjoy herself with her family not being all emotional about it. It's only three weeks!!

Of course he wants to join your exotic holiday or rather wants your daughter to choose him over the holiday.

But here is the thing. They are adults and so quite frankly this is your daughters decision to make and not yours and you shouldn't feel guilty about it as having raised your children and worked hard, you are entitled to treat yourselves. He has many years to come in which he can make the same sacrifices.

And the options for your eldest daughter are:-

1. She takes advantage of your subsidy and enjoys an extravagant holiday with her family, leaving him behind. (this option is probably why he is dismayed to be left behind as its a window into the stage their relationship is at, but that is her problem not yours)
2. She and her boyfriend could have worked together in funding his attendance on the holiday, your daughter knew it would happen but failed to do so - this is not your fault, its theirs.
3. Or finally, she decides not to join the family holiday and perhaps opts to go on a cheaper holiday with her boyfriend. Will she put her desire to spend time with him above the chance of an exotic holiday? Again this is her choice to be made not yours.

Which ever she decides, she needs to communicate that to her boyfriend and stop making you feel guilty (intentionally or not). At her age most parents would expect them to fund their full holiday.

Delaying your holiday or downgrading to fund him is unfair on you and your youngest and you need to stop feeling responsible. With adulthood, comes the need to plan and take responsibility and this isn't an inexpensive trip is it?

It’s madness to think of funding him to come on a luxury holiday, OP. I know of many parents who don’t even fund their own adult DC to come on family holidays! Bring your DD, enjoy the family time and the two of them can book something cheaper together earlier/later in the summer like pretty much every other early 20s couple.

I’d worry about a young man who struggles to live without his girlfriend for 3 weeks. He lives with his parents, he’s hardly alone in an unfurnished bedsit.

To be honest I wouldn’t be paying for the daughter either…if you’re rolling in it then fine, but not if you are having to do over time to cover it. She’s an adult.
I can also see why the boyfriend is put out by her being away for 3 weeks. If that were me I wouldn’t be left with enough holiday to also go away with the boyfriend. she’d be choosing time away with you over him…
Time to cut the apron strings and let her stand on her own 2 feet. If you feel too guilty maybe bung them a contribution to their own holiday.

Price up what the holiday will cost if the boyfriend doesn't come, and your dd comes solo and pays her share in the way you previously calculated (option 1)

Price up what the holiday will cost if you go with just your younger dd and you older child doesn't come (option 2)

Price up what the holiday will cost if the boyfriend comes too (option 3) and dd and her boyf together pay an amount equal to the contribution she'd make anyway for option 1, plus the price difference between option 3 and option 1 which is the cost of boyf joining.

Then ask dd and her boyf to decide. They may be willing to take on overtime or make other sacrifices to afford option3. Or they may feel they will get more enjoyment from using the contribution dd would make in option 1 to instead have a budget holiday for both of them, leaving you with option 2. Or they may decide that they are happy to holiday separately and stick to option 1.

You shouldn't offer to pay for him though. It's not appropriate.

No, he doesn’t need a luxury holiday paid for by his girlfriend’s parents!

He sounds quite manipulative.

How much is an extra person?

He struggles when she is away for three weeks?

That's a bit concerning.

What if she got a great job placement or study abroad opportunity? What if she wanted to climb mount Everest or something? Is he a boyfriend who makes her world bigger or smaller?

(Although my honest opinion is that people in their early 20s should not be spending three weeks of their precious annual leave on holidays with their parents. A week is fine. But otherwise they should be off at festivals or inter railing or hiking a long distance path or staying in hotels while backpacking across foreign lands or on weird adventures with their friends)

I'm wondering why he can't save up to pay his own way, like your older daughter does. Your daughter may not be available for 3-week holidays in future, if she has a serious boyfriend who may become an 'official' partner soon, but if you can't afford to pay for him without waiting another year and a half, I'd think that's just too bad, but it's not reasonable to make everyone wait that long. He's an adult. He'll survive without his girlfriend for a few weeks, like the rest of us manage without our spouses/partners when it's unavoidable.

You shouldn’t even consider paying for him. Give your daughter the option of whether she comes or not.

I'd be very reluctant to pay, however OP stated they both live at home. Could they be trusted to have the house all to themselves for 3 weeks? Do you have a video doorbell?