If I can't pay for dd's boyfriend

You say you do overtime to be able to afford these holidays. Can he save up also? Can can he do a week of the holiday, rather than all three weeks?

Why on earth would you pay for him? And why should your younger daughter miss out on a holiday this year because you’re subsidising her older sister’s boyfriend. Good grief.

The daughter needs to decide whether she wants to go or not, on the terms you set down

if he wants to go, he’ll need to pay

I would go without him, quite contentedly. Of course, if your daughter wants to opt out of the trip she can, but I'd hope that if she genuinely wanted to go she wouldn't let his disappointment or FOMO dissuade her. I'm sure they'll miss each other but three weeks is not a long time and a healthy relationship can handle that kind of very occasional separation. IF you had the money to pay for both your daughter's portion of the trip and her boyfriend's then sure, it might be nice to ask him along if that's what she wants. But you DON'T have the money, and even if you could stretch to it, it seems really odd to pay for him while your daughter is expected to contribute and has managed to do so each year since she's been working. I would absolutely NOT delay for 18 months!!!!

I had a partner who made me feel bad and guilty every time I went away without him at that age. Turns out he was controlling and abusive. How dare he try to manipulate you and your daughter in paying for his free holiday

You are being unreasonable to think it’s normal that a man in his 20s will ‘struggle’ bring left behind while his girlfriend goes on a 3 week holiday.

If the boyfriend has given you/DD the impression that this will be a ‘struggle’ for him then you need to be looking at what is going on here, & whether DD needs help in navigating her way out of an unduly possessive relationship in which control is maintained over her by emotional blackmail. Because it’s very, very odd.

Most young people in their early 20s would be going on holiday on their own and not with their parents. One of our children came on holiday with us at this age when they were still at Uni ( 5 year course) and we paid for them and their SO (now spouse). It was not long haul and it wouldn’t have been much cheaper to take them as a singleton and pay a single room supplement. Our other child declined at the time.

This

This. Why can you dd afford it and he cannot
? What is his iob?

If your dd is happy to go, then just go! Leave the boyfriend at home.

What do you mean by “he struggled being left”?

Do you mean he is such a wet wipe he struggled to function without your DD being around to prop him up? Or do you mean he struggled with jealousy that he wasn’t on the holiday?

Either way, it doesn’t paint him in a positive light.

I am very financially liberal with my adult DC, paying for holidays and treating their partners, but I wouldn’t include him if it meant a detriment to the holiday for everyone else.

He can stay home and sulk or whatever he does. If DD prefers not to come without him, I would accept that.

You're suggesting that a hard saved for family holiday should be forgone for something cheaper because a boyfriend can't afford to pay his way?

That cant serious

This ^^ or she just comes out for a week, or he flys out for a week if they can afford it. Its not just the cost, shes using 3 weeks of AL, they need to work out what works best for them as a family unit.

Absolutely not are you mad?! If he wants to go then he can pick up overtime/extra work/save to pay for it. If he lives with his parents he’s hardly going to be paying market rate rent and bills is he?! Get a grip!

I didn't say his girlfriend's family should pay, did I?

I said if this is a three week luxury holiday that this family has to save for three years to afford, it's unlikely that a lad in his early 20s (who OP already stated does not have the financial means) will be able to come up with the cash by simply 'doing some extra work', so it's a pretty pointless suggestion.

I wouldn’t pay for him. Equally I would be concerned your daughter could pull out at the last minute because she doesn’t want to leave him, and you could therefore lose the cost of her holiday.

Why don’t they just got on a cheaper holiday together which they find themselves.

It's a three week luxury holiday that it takes two working adults three years to save up for, so presumably we're talking thousands, potentially five figures per head...doubtful that the boyfriend/daughter would be able to fund it by simply 'picking up some overtime', regardless of notice, unless they're high earners.

He lives with his parents. He doesn't have to go the whole time. But if he's not willing to do some extra work to fund his way, why should his girlfriend's family pay?

A grown man struggled because his girlfriend went on a family holiday?

So now you are looking at potentially postponing your family holiday for 1.5 years to help him avoid this struggle?....riiiight

He's not your responsibility and it's a family holiday. His folks can pay if need be.

It's a three week luxury holiday that it takes two working adults three years to save up for, so presumably we're talking thousands, potentially five figures per head...doubtful that the boyfriend/daughter would be able to fund it by simply 'picking up some overtime', regardless of notice, unless they're high earners.

I'd just be honest with your daughter OP: You'd love for her partner to come and he'd be very welcome, but you're not in a position to help fund it. Tell her that you completely understand if she doesn't want to go without him, and let her know when you intend to book so she can have a think, talk to him and give you an answer.

If they're moving in together soon it'll be slightly more awkward her going away for three weeks without him. Could your daughter go for a week or ten days?

The 'struggled being left' thing is a bit of a red flag though. In what way? Assuming this was three years ago so he'd have been a teenager - was it just a bit of love-sickness? Hopefully he's grown up a bit now and this won't be an issue?

But if he's making your daughter feel guilty about spending time away from him, or 'choosing' her family over her partner, that's something to keep an eye on.

He's an adult and could be working extra to pay his way. You shouldn't be subsidizing a grown man's luxury holiday when you can't afford to.

And the struggling while his gf is on holiday because he wasn't invited and couldn't pay, that's a red flag. He's feeling entitled. This guy's not got much get up and go or resilience. Give him an idea. He could take your daughter on a holiday they can afford.

I don't like the sound of him. But I'm not big on whiney weak guys who expect things done for them or whine because their gf took a vacation.

Perhaps she doesn't feel that strongly about him? Or just chooses not to centre him in her life? He's not even a cohabiting partner, just someone she's currently dating. She's entitled to go on holiday with her family if she wants to and can afford it. If he hates the notion of it that much he's free to break up with her.

What am I reading?! Of course you don't need to feel bad, for not funding a luxury holiday for a grown man! You sound lovely OP, but you're definitely worrying too much - just go on your holiday without guilt. If he "struggles" with not getting a free holiday 🤨 that's also not your problem, and is frankly a ridiculous feeling for a grown adult to have.

I agree with @CantBreathe90 post bolded above, OP.

Apart from anything else, if he comes too it won't be a "family holiday", it'll be you three and them two, they'll inevitably end up just using it as an opportunity for a luxury trip for themselves and you'll barely see them. Especially if it's basically going to be a once in a lifetime opportunity because they couldn't afford it without you subbing them. So you'll have subsidised the costs and not got what you wanted from the situation (which I'm assuming is your DD1 company).

There are simple truths here - you don’t delay your holiday plans based on your adult kid’s relationship. You could if you wish to, pay for them to join you for a shorter spell , just take your daughter or don’t take either of them. If you want to be generous then maybe pay for them to take a shorter break on their own somewhere short haul. Personally I think it’s past the point of paying for either of them to join you. Plus many young working people would struggle to get 3 weeks off in one go.

This.

Three weeks apart is no drama at all. He can’t afford it so he doesn’t get to go. And if I were you I’d either go somewhere cheaper or stop subbing your elder dd. She’s working…. In her 20s…. If she can’t afford it…. Tough luck. A lot of people don’t get to go on holiday at all or certainly not every year. It’s a luxury not an essential.