If I can't pay for dd's boyfriend

What's wrong with not doing something if you can't afford it?

We are turning into a society where you get what you want, especially when someone else pays.

If you could have afforded to take him then you would, so no need for guilt. He's a young man with his whole life ahead of him to go on holidays. The fact he doesn't get this one and he and DD are apart for a fortnight is negligible in the scheme of things. You're obviously a very generous person, but there's a limit to the obligations you need to feel to a young man who may only be a temporary feature in your lives, and who will not suffer great loss by missing out on one holiday.

Struggled with being jealous, would be my take. Thems the breaks kid.

Totally agree. But that's the boyfriends choice to make, isn't it. If he wants to go on the holiday badly enough, he'll do it. If he doesn't, then he can stand by that decision too. In no possible universe does it mean the OP has to sub him or that it's unfair if he can't go. He has options and free will, as do we all.

Look if it’s AI then the room occupancy hardly makes a difference to the cost. It’s the flight that he needs to fund himself.

But look, if your DD can’t go on holiday without her boyfriend “struggling” then I am not sure it’s a good relationship.

I haven’t read the full thread (gosh, I hate it when people say this) but what about the other dd? It will presumably impact on her holiday experience if she’s tagging along behind two lovebirds.

If ds were to bring his gf on holiday, then I’d feel like I’d have to let dd ask a friend for company. Not that she doesn’t like dh and me, but a bf and gf in your face and going off together might make someone feel a bit left out.

Yeh I never did it for a fancy holiday either. That wouldn't have been worth it to me. I did it to afford an expensive hobby that was my passion. I wasn't miserable for that reason.

I just get peeved when people say it's not possible to afford xyz on a basic wage. It's possible to afford some version of pretty much anything you want, it's just a question of what you're willing to give up in order to afford it. If the answer is nothing, then that's the decision made.

Things only get truly unaffordable on a low income once people have children and these days even that is purely a choice.

Or if they've previously run up a shit load of debt. Most of the time that's down to poor life choices too. It's rarely the case that it was truly unavoidable. If people are paying for the consequences of their past actions, I can't have much sympathy for them.

No ring, no bring.

No holiday is worth doing this - especially for a lengthy period of time.

I mean if he could pay for his flights and bring spending money for food and drink then you could kind of absorb the cost of his accommodation if he sleeps in bed with daughter?

I imagine the two sisters will be sharing a room. If he comes it'll mean an extra room.

True, I’d rather have a more basic holiday than that miserable existence the rest of the year, but each to their own

Your DD has to make her choice. You don't have to change your life because your kids are now young adults and can't aggird what you, established adults, can afford

Its part of growing up. Dont deprive her of that maturation process

It's a three week luxury holiday that it takes two working adults three years to save up for, so presumably we're talking thousands, potentially five figures per head...doubtful that the boyfriend/daughter would be able to fund it by simply 'picking up some overtime', regardless of notice, unless they're high earners.

That just isn't true.

I've saved thousands per year whilst working minimum wage, paying all my own living costs etc. It's totally possible with frugal living.

But it does mean rarely going out, IE once every 2 months and only to cheap places, only going more often if it's something free.
It means NEVER buying food or drink while you're out and about (unless you're specifically going out for a meal or drinks as your socialising thing and even then you need to keep the cost down by not having 3 courses or getting drunk). You take something from home if you're going to be out all day. Eg a bottle of water is approx £2 from a convenience store X5 days that's £10/wk, a multi pack of bottled water is £3 for 6 from the supermarket. A store bought sandwich is £3 approx, across 5 days that's £15, a loaf of bread is £1.50, block of cheese £2 and butter £2 and it'll make you your sandwich for lunch for the whole week for a total of £5.50.
You don't drive unnecessary journeys to save fuel.
You wear warm clothes and keep the heating off except for a few hours a day on medium heat during winter, putting a hot water bottle in your bed and blankets on top of your duvet.
You don't buy expensive clothes brand new.
You don't have car finance, you save up and buy something second hand outright.
You pay insurance annually because it's cheaper than the total annual cost of paying monthly.
If you dent it, you don't repair cosmetic damage unless you're able to claim it off another driver's insurance, only structural stuff or MOT fail stuff if you're paying for it yourself or would otherwise have to claim on your own insurance (I'm talking minor damage not huge crashes obviously).
You don't spend more than a couple hundred on a phone, which you buy outright with a cheap SIM only contact and you keep the phone until it's completely trashed and non functional years later.
You don't buy anything you don't actually need.
You don't live in the best places.
You cook cheap meals from scratch, no takeaway unless it's your socialising night out.
You don't have any debt, ever, except a mortgage, or a credit card that's paid off in full at the end of the month every month.

There's lots of ways to save up, but people don't want to take them because life is less happy day to day. Fair enough, but no use complaining they can't have the fancy holiday then. Life is all about choices.

Apart from all the other points mentioned by pps, luxury holidays are for those who can afford them!

If your daughter and her bf hadn't had a holiday in years and were deserving, then sure, sub them for a cheap break. But long haul for 3 weeks paid for by someone else...I don't think so!

Yeah it sounds controlling. He's obviously moaning at the daughter while she's away trying to spoil her holiday. I know just the type. So yeah watch out there big time.

"know last time we went her boyfriend struggled being left."

Not sure if this is a red flag or just a massive ick, but either way not good.

If you can't afford it then tough. At that age family holidays are strictly optional anyway.

Does she definitely want to go? Would she rather go on a cheaper holiday with her bf that he can afford?

I mean if he could pay for his flights and bring spending money for food and drink then you could kind of absorb the cost of his accommodation if he sleeps in bed with daughter? Can he definitely not afford to contribute anything?

But really they are both adults. Of course you might wish to subsidize her but you're not obliged to for either of them.

He isn’t your child. If he can’t afford to pay for his flight, hotel room, food etc then he can’t come. If your dd doesn’t want to come if her bf can’t then she’ll have to stay at home.

does the daughter even want to go? Or would she prefer you to have a smaller financial contribution to her own holiday, say, and a free house for 3 weeks with her boyfriend?

know which id prefer at 20

I would suggest that DD goes away with her BF instead of the family. A less expensive holiday, not long-haul, that they’ll enjoy as a couple. If they are going to live together in a few months time then she’s potentially choosing her life-time partner, so then surely she’d prefer this option.

Don't even consider paying for him. Your daughter works and pays, that how it works for adults unless your are wealthy.

You also don't want to encourage him being able to guilt your daughter into missing out or subsidising him, that's controlling behaviour.

They are in their early 20s - this is for them to sort out. Your elder DD is lucky that you are subsidising her place on the holiday; you certainly shouldn't feel bad for not subsidising her boyfriend.

DD can:

• Go and leave him behind. If he is being difficult about being left for three weeks, I would seriously question his maturity and resilience
• Not go and have a holiday with her boyfriend that is within their means. If you wanted to make a kind gesture, you could give her what you'd have paid towards her place on the family holiday to put towards this.
• Work out a plan to save the money between them for the boyfriend to join you.

Whatever you do, do not pay for the boyfriend's place on a promise of being reimbursed. That type of arrangement always ends badly. Come summer there will be loads of threads on here about people who have paid for someone to join them on holiday, it's gone pear-shaped and they are out of pocket.

Surely they get a cheap week together in Mallorca or something? Some of my fondest memories of being a young woman are slumming in a shitty hotel with friends/ boyfriends.

I don’t think it’s fair on your actual family to change or delay holiday for him. Nones fault just one of those things