If I can't pay for dd's boyfriend

I’m inclined to think that your dd is causing the problems here. In my 20’s I would have absolutely been upset if my partner had left for a three week holiday with her parents on a regular basis.
Three weeks would have almost my whole holiday allowance for the year meaning that we wouldn’t have had any time left for us, as she was also paying towards it she wouldn’t likely have had any more money either.
It isn’t your responsibility to pay for her partner but I think your dd needs to make some hard choices about growing up.

@SBGM247

ewwww, no

You either all go including the boyfriend or none of you go and you just stay home. Maybe a trip to Benidorm or something where you can easily afford it plus give spending money for all.

Some really strange answers here.

The OP said he struggled,.suddenly everyone is saying red flag, controlling etc when my thought went to, he missed her. I've been married 8 years and would miss my husband if he left me alone for 3 weeks.

Not to say the OP should pay, just bizarre how many people go for controlling and manipulative when as far as I can see the boyfriend never said anything.

Your DD needs to accept she has got together with a man who cannot maintain the lifestyle she was previously used to when she was dependent on you. She can't expect to continue going on luxury holidays with her parents forever. Time for her to be going on holidays with her partner to places which are within their budgets. They can still have a lovely time without spending three weeks in an expensive resort

Don’t pay for him, you offer for him to come but only if he can pay his way.
They aren’t married and don’t live together, you’re not obliged at all to pay for him to come.
I think it’s nicer to have family time on holidays sometimes anyway, surely they can survive a couple of weeks apart?
Perhaps though this should be the last time you let your eldest pay a reduced amount to come with you? Either she pays full whack or doesn’t come, or you take a cheaper holiday she can come on and pay her way.

If you are going this summer then your dd and her boyf can have only been together a very short while when you went 2 years ago so I can kind of understand why he would have struggled then especially when the relationship was so new. But in the last couple of years he must be aware that your long haul holidays are a thing? Have either he or your dd intimated that he would like to join?

Lots of people control people with garnering sympathy and guilt rather than shouting, hitting or overt abuse, some use a mix of these as well.
I would keep it strictly your immediate family since you are paying. They dynamics may change next year, perhaps when you get back have a word with your DD and mention BF is welcome to come but they wouldn't have to cover his costs... give them time to think about saving or if they'd prefer to holiday as a couple exclusively from now on.

If he's a softie and by "struggled" you mean he missed her, then I can understand why you would like to include him. It's not a red flag. However, I still wouldn't fund the boyfriend's trip, it sets a precedent.

Enjoy your holidays with your DC, there will come a time when they can't or don't want to join you, (they may have DC of their own, change jobs, relationships etc), so make the most of this trip guilt free.

He struggled being left out of a holiday he wasn't invited on and he couldn't pay for? Oh dear.

This!

If he's going to struggle that much, then your daughter can stay at home with him and you just go with your youngest.

I wouldn't entertain having to work more and delay plans to find £4/5000 to take him with you!

Oh he’s pathetic.

No, don’t invite him and don’t pay.

Yes. Amazing holidays in Scotland!

Will you also be paying for a friend of your youngest dd to come? If not then say no to eldest DD bf. The two dds can hang out on holiday. Or the eldest dd can decline the holiday.

If he can’t afford it he can’t come. Not your problem. I wouldn’t entertain paying for him. Mind you I wouldn’t invite him either

If they’ve only been together a couple of years when did you go on the holiday that the boyfriend struggled with? When is the next one planned for?

I think this is a you problem, your daughter wants to join you and is saving her share of the cost, you don't mention her asking to bring her boyfriend. I think you have just let your assumptions and imagination develope into a problem that quite frankly doesn't exist. I think you may be a bit of an idealist? Yes of course he misses her, that's very sweet and how it should be.

I agree with this poster. It will completely change the holiday dynamic too. Your daughters are growing up and soon won't want to come on the family holidays. Don't delay for another 18 months. Just offer your eldest the choice of coming on here own or not coming. It'll probably be the last time she comes anyway.

I would be very concerned at my DD’s boyfriend “struggling” with not my seeing my DD for 3 weeks. You say he is a softie and not controlling, which may be true, but it doesn’t make it any less odd.

Significantly, it in no way means you should find an extra £4k-£5k to pay for him to go on your family holiday. Not only is that over the top (missing her for 3 weeks won’t kill him!) but it will completely change the dynamics of your family holiday. You may not have the chance to have many, if any, more given your children are growing up and will soon not join you. Do it while you can, focus on your family, and don’t worry about the boyfriend.

It also changes the dynamic for your youngest, which isn't fair.

Yes to all of this.

He struggled with being left?! Is he usually entitled?

It's not your responsibility to fund a grown adult man to go on your family holiday!
Time for her to decide if she wants to go on that family holiday or not, or would rather save for her own holiday with him.

I say this as the mum of 3 and we do a similar major holiday every 2-3yrs. I wouldn't dream of paying for my eldest's boyfriend and they've been together for 4 years and both still live at home with respective parents. They have their smaller trips away together and DD also self funds trips with her friends.

Where does it end? What happens when your youngest also gets a partner?

It’s not hard to between them save 4-5k. They’re living at home and have had long enough to plan for it

Struggling while your girlfriend is awag for a couple of weeks with family is a red flag. Needy, insecure or can't manage basic lifr skills without a woman around, whichever it is he needs to address that himself. Or save to pay to come. Early 20s people should be standing on their own two feet.
If you were absolutely loaded and the extra ticket would be pocket change then sure, pay for him if you like him that much. But you clearly arent as you work overtime for your own tickets.
Its a life lesson, if you want nice things then get a second job. I worked three jobs in my early 20s. No kids, loads of energy and I liked to travel so I had a full time job, a saturday job and a bar job. I had loads of money and went on about 5 or 6 trips a year paid for by my own hard work.

Oh for heavens sake. Either go elsewhere or don’t invite one or both.

what about the other dd? It will presumably impact on her holiday experience if she’s tagging along behind two lovebirds

Yes I also had this thought