When dc lived at home having a cleaner was a godsend. The evening before we had 'the frantic 30 minute clean up'. dc were responsible for their rooms - the floors had to be clear so they could be hoovered; the surfaces had to be cleared so they could be dusted. tbh there were many clothes (worn for half a day) that there picked up off the floor and chucked in the laundry bin, and there were books, watches, drawings that were chucked into drawers, and had to be searched for later. But dh (laundry man) could sort out the washing at another time - or just wash it anyway. During the 30 mins dh and I were responsible for our room and all the living areas. Same rules. Honestly, those evenings (when we'd celebrate with snacks and cocoa), and particularly the next day when the house looked neat, and then was also clean - it was such a calm time.
I find it much easier when I am on my own. (dc are adults and have left home). dh was away for 2 weeks and it felt so simple - I was only responsible for my own mess. I could let it build up, then I could clear it away. And it would stay that way. It is especially hard living with other ADHD /Au people. I find it hard to distinguish between my mess and their and it becomes overwhelming. Between us dh and and I joke we have problems with 'piles'. So our attempt at clearing things involves putting things into piles. That just accumulate, and don't get dealt with.
Things I do now are to have one room that I NEED to keep clear. For me it's the kitchen. The surfaces in the kitchen are clear, any 'piles' get removed and put in another room, or given to the other person for sorting. I take on most responsibility for the kitchen. If dh leaves out the tupperware containers (because after 20 years in this house he still doesn't know where they live?!?) I easily put them away. If dh doesn't put his mug in the dishwasher, I calmly call him to come and do it. But then I have one space in the house where I know there is calm and clearness, and that helps me. I also have the same on my side of the bedroom. I put blinkers on as I walk through dh's side of the room!
I also try to do "my daily drawer". So I try each day to sort one drawer / small cupboard. If I'm busy / overwhelmed / short of time it might be emptying the cutlery drawer, getting the crumbs out and putting the cutlery back in the right places. Probably takes 5 minutes. A bit longer and I might sort all my socks - throw out the ones with holes, pair up the ones that match, or the bathroom cabinet. If I had more energy I might sort the spice /condiment cupboard. And one day when I felt really able I had a big attack on my wardrobe. I had so many clothes in there that I wore 15 years ago and neither fitted nor were 'of the moment'. Oh the space I felt when they were gone! But I also allowed myself to keep things that I really love - an evening dress that I will never fit into, or have an occasion to wear, but where I'm captivated by the fabric and the colours; a dress with feathers. I own and accept and keep them as a delight.
I have a secret dream of the time when dh and I and elderly and downsize to a tiny house (with an attached garage/storage). When we move in everything will be new - all the furniture, the bedding, the lighting, the appliances (which will than hopefully last for the rest of our lives). From our current home we will take crockery, glasses and some cookware. And 50 selected items (important pictures, the most significant holiday treasures, maybe a couple of small bits of furniture that have generational importance, memory boxes from our own childhoods, our dc and dgc - but limited). I know that dh will have some things he will NEVER get rid of, hence the dry, safe storage space.