Little bit pissed off with ‘friends’ over Christmas

So you chose to give her a gift, she loved it and thanked you for it.

Now let it go.

Most people are scaling back on cards and gifts. I don’t do any cards and gifts is family only.

Excellent message about Christmas especially as Martin Lewis is, I believe, Jewish

Here is the Martin Lewis video, it should be posted on the Christmas board every year tbh.

Somebody as grizzly as me. 🐻 I love it. 😆

Totally agree. It’s all just buying pointless tat that no one really wants just for the sake of being seen to be nice.
It’s all such a waste of money and effort

My friends and I have never done cards or gifts we always meet up the Saturday before Christmas and just have a social evening. That means a lot more to us than a token gift

That was really nice of you to think of them and post a present as you were all unable to meet up.

However, I personally strongly subscribe to the Martin Lewis video where he talks about this. By giving, you create the obligation for them to feel that they must reciprocate even if they don’t have the time (to go shopping and get the stamps, wrap it up etc) or the money (2 x £6 plus postage) or the desire (life veers between hard and very hard a lot of the time).

They both thanked you, that’s lovely. Next year get your cards sent by early to mid December then forget about it, do something else. They might reciprocate, they might not. That’s okay. Suggest a meet up in the lighter months, have a nice talk, say you’re missing them, whatever. I don’t think adults value presents in the same way children do, and to not give them something is really fine, it doesn’t reflect on the friendship at all.

Does the sending and receiving nothing back mean there is an underlying feeling of losing the friendship? It being ‘not quite what it was’? You can work on that, but try not to see the presents as the problem, I think they are just what your mind is focussing on.

YABVU.

I hate that Christmas has become an obsessive gift give and receive even between adults. Exchanging meaningless gifts "because it's Christmas". Honestly what's the point of force-exchanging meaningless £5 gifts between adults?! Here I got you a Terry's chocolate orange because it's Christmas, oh you got me a shower gel set because it's Christmas, wtf? Is that the fucking meaning of Christmas?! If it's something a bit personal, a bit meaningful, then by all means. But if not? What's the point?

Unless you arranged to do gifts then it’s not usual for people to send gifts to friends. In fact I’d rather people don’t.

My lovely friend brought me gifts the day before I left to go away for Xmas and I didn’t get her anything… now it’s made me feel bad and like I owe her something or she’ll feel bad. But we didn’t say we were doing gifts and I had plenty of other people to buy for. I do not want to exchange gifts with friends too. Now instead of her gift making me feel appreciated it’s just made me feel guilty and put upon.

I think it is lovely of you to send gifts, but I would recommend you don't be the person who creates an expectation that gift giving must be recriprocated unless you are a group who already always buys gifts for each other. Otherwise the whole exercise becomes exhausting and self-defeating, as many people would rather not receive a gift if there is an expectation they now need to go out and find something original/witty/off-the-wall in return.

So you sent £6 worth of tat and expected what? They thanked you, you cant expect more than that.

I would secretly hate this kind of thing, I hate people spending money just because and sending silly gifts, it creates expectations for next year and makes things awkward.

I think yabu as you don’t normally send gifts so they weren’t to know. I met up with some friends yesterday and we never do cards or presents but two of them have had a rough time the last few weeks so I bought all 3 of them a small bunch of flowers each and some chocolate, I didn’t expect them to have anything for me as we never do it. It was just a nice thing I did on the spur of the moment.

I’m the same. Some years I’m great, on the ball, and organised, other years I just run out of time and enthusiasm.

If they thanked you that’s good enough. They might feel overwhelmed- the pressure I feel well it comes to gifts at Christmas is ridiculous, the list just goes on and on and there is nearly always someone I have to do a last minute dash to the shop for.

You changed the parameters of the usual arrangement so YABVU to be put out that your gifts weren't reciprocated.

How much did it cost to post the oresents@?

Depends if you give to receive. I gift one of my best friends a birthday present every year. I don’t get a present back but she’s an absolute gem and I couldn’t have got through this year without her so that’s more important to me.

What does Christmas become?! I think Christmas is about a lot more than sending your mates a gift in the post. Is it not about spending time together with friends and family?

Yep, don't buy for them again. 'You don't give to receive' is a load of outdated nonsense that has no place in the 21st century. All that does is result in people take take taking and never giving. You get walked on, shit on, and mugged off if you're all 'you don't give to receive.' Some people will happily take without giving, because some people are self absorbed and narcissistic. Some can't even be arsed to thank you. Then when you stop giving, they act all shocked and surprised, and are 'offended.'

I have sent Christmas cards before now to people, and when they don't send one back 2 years in a row, I don't send one again. Why the hell should I keep sending a card to someone who never sends one back? They either don't 'do' cards, so I'll be doing them a favour. OR they CBA with me, so why the fuck should I be bothered with them?

And yes I DO keep a note of who sends Christmas cards back, even though I'm sure many Mumsnetters never do, like many Mumsnetters don't care if they keep buying gifts for someone who can't be fucked to get them even a KitKat in return.

(Yeah, right!' 🙄)

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You can’t decide to send a present when it’s not the norm to exchange more than a card and be annoyed that they didn’t send you one back.

^ This