To think that if a man in his 40s needs to be hinted at and told for months about getting married then he doesn’t really want to get married?

I think lots of men don't especially want to get married, but as long as they want to be with you that is the main thing - you just have to say marriage is part of the deal for you, and if not, you are out.

I think there are male female cultural differences around communication in our society and a lot of men do not register hints or interpret them the way women do. And women can fail to appreciate the value of being straight forward. (Talking very generally, obviously not all men and not all women)

I also think it can be nerve wracking for men to always be the initiators and that they have less cultural pressure than women pushing them to value marriage

So I wouldn’t necessarily say ignored hints are sufficient to say he doesn’t want to marry. But if you’ve asked him and he’s demurred or had a sit down conversation where you’ve said marriage is important and you aren’t prepared to wait years, then I agree he doesn’t want to, even if he’s said maybe, at some point, in the future, etc.

If a man is 40 and unmarried it’s likely a conscious decision to remain unmarried

I think hinting and making sneaky suggestions is immature for such a serious relationship tbh. It should be something you can just sit down and talk openly about and his feelings on marriage and proposing shouldn't come as a total surprise. I don't think I'd want to marry someone I didn't know exactly where they stood and what their timeline of personal goals was.

At the same time, I do think that most men I know are a bit more laid back when it comes to things like marriage etc which I'm guessing is down to biological factors - they can afford to take more time before deciding when to have children without too big an impact on fertility. So I can see why women are more focused on this as they don't want to 'waste' fertile years if someone's not aligned with them.

Why wait for him to ask? He's probably happy with the status quo. If you want to marry just ask.

Marriage isn’t important/necessary to everyone. It’s the sort of thing most couples discuss early on and then probably later down the line. If there’s a mismatch and one can’t imagine their life without marriage, it’s probably best to split.

What marriage vows did you make?! Your comment is hugely offensive to married families who can't have a kid.
Two spouses are each others family, legally.

Me and my husband are proudly childfree. Our marriage is as valid as yours. Our vows, like everyone else's, were to each other. It's a legal document making two people financially linked.

Thanks @wafflesmgee@throwitallawaydaymy hopes and dreams for the life I thought I was going to live were crushed, so it was pretty rubbish at the time…

…I’m well on the other side as it was a few years ago now, DC are absolutely thriving, I’ve got an even better job than I did when I was with him (I was the higher earner) and own a lovely 1930’s semi, while EXDP is in a 2 bed flat (we parted ways with 50% of house proceeds each). Guess who’s now sniffing around (we see each other regularly due to our shared DC) claiming our split was all a big misunderstanding 🙄🙄🙄

I’m looking for a DP/future DH who values, loves and respects me, and that’s definitely not my EXDP!

that must have been really tough
💐

I think hints are ridiculous. A relationship should be based on good communication, having an honest conversation about your wants in relation to marriage is key. I find it bizarre when people think a man will somehow get scared away by this honesty. I met my future husband at 17 and we had the “do you want marriage and children” chat three months into our relationship, so we both knew what our expectations were.

I would agree with your OP.

I had explicit conversations about future aspirations including marriage and DC with my EXDP when we met in our mid 30’s.

Due to our ages, we agreed to try for DC first (this was so silly of me!) and I was pregnant the first month of trying. DC2 arrived 13 months after DC1.

After the DC arrived and we’d settled into our routines, I mentioned marriage once or twice a year and he always said leave it to him, and he didn’t want a big wedding, but no proposal ever came.

Covid hit, and I thought he’d be pleased that we could now have a small wedding, however he made more excuses, and also became emotionally abusive, lazy, resentful and full of contempt for me.

I left him after 8 years together as it was clear he’d continue in the same behaviour vein, and that he had been stringing me along the whole time and future faking me.

I do believe that if a man wants to marry a woman he knows wants to marry him, he will get on with it to make sure nobody else snaps her up!

I’m engaged for the third time at 56. We both have adult children from previous relationships.

Dp floated the idea of marriage in a roundabout way after about 6 months. I shut that down straight away by saying I didn’t think we needed a legal framework. At 4 years in, I raised it again and said that I would quite like to be married. He said, why change what’s good. I genuinely let go of it completely and felt happy. He proposed 5 years in and it was a genuine surprise to me.

What’s the message? Not sure. I guess I would say, if you would like to get married, bring it up. And imo it is always a reasonable question, it’s a normal part of life.

you mentioned kids inheritance. there is no such thing as a legal prenup in the uk. when say a woman marries and dies the spouse gets the majority of the estate. her kids can very likely lose out as he will get the money and may not give her kids anything other than what they are legally entitled to. which is very little.

i wouldn’t marry now. not til they legalise prenups in the uk.

when I reached the stage in a relationship where I wanted to get married I discussed it. I would not have wanted to live with a man long term and definitely not have children without being married

I think in circumstances where one party has made it very clear they want to be proposed to and the other party has not proposed, that’s because they don’t want to marry the other party.

This is my bug bear, this and asking her dad’s permission.
its 2026 it’s your decision an no one else’s. Have a conversation like grown ups

Do men need prompting or if they truly want to get married to they just go ahead and ask?

Neither? Surely nowadays couples discuss this at various points in the relationship. I find it hard to believe now that any man is proposing without a fairly solid idea that she’ll say yes, because they’ve talked about the future.

I think you have a proper honest conversation about your needs and expectations. Hints and cajoling not necessary. There's no need to rush into anything in middle age. There's as much of a financial arrangement as well as love when you are both older and may have other dependants to worry about plus what are your retirement plans amd address any disparity in assets or earnings. It's not an easy thing to enter into lightly. Love and companionship are only one side of it.

What's your situation?

Well played @Thepossibility .

I agree. I mentioned to my DH once that if he asked I would say yes. His face lit up and I knew a proposal wouldn't be far away.
He's been the best DH and enthusiastically wanting be married to me was a green flag for sure.