to feel resentful I’ve used my AL for childcare while DH saves his for child-free time?

OK now you've learned these things need planned out, you need to sit down and organise rest of year together. Nursery years are a doddle, once they're at school you need to cover 13 weeks of school holidays a year.

When you assume you make an ass out of me and you.

I did this for 15 yrs. Hit a wall and the relationship imploded. Every day I am glad I am not with him any more. Address the imbalance or resentment will eat you up.

His turn next year?

Seems like you didn’t discuss it. You assumed that he would book time off, but you never had the conversation. Going forward discuss every day that nursery is off. Next time it’s shut “ok nursery is shut these days so you need to
book these days off XXXX”

I don’t understand how you never spoke about it?

Plan out the bulk of your AL for 2026 now. Even if you switch it later or move the odd date, it will enable you to think together about what cover you need and how much time you each have for downtime. And have a clear and open discussion about who is covering what. Childcare is a project to manage, you have to be explicit and forward thinking otherwise you will default to the socialised patterns of mum does everything while dad potters about.

But in recent times, parents seem to have become very protective of their child-free time (and in particular, separated parents) makes you wonder if a few women should have stayed on the pill …

When my kids were wee we would buy a planner every year & would put all the dates that the kids were on holiday, then the dates we were working (I worked part-time & their dad worked odd shifts), and plan around that. It reduced stress because we knew where there were childcare issues at the start of the year & worked together to resolve them.

Forget about earnings for a moment. DS is both your child and you both work FT. So AL needs to be fairly split 50/50. Take turns who stays off with him for holidays and illness. Also sometimes either of you can take AL for a child free rest. Christmas was a learning curve and not how it will be going forward.

Do you speak to your husband? Why haven't you agreed how child care will be split?

I’ve said you’re NOT being unreasonable.
But, you’ll never get this time with child again??? ☺️☺️☺️

No communication 🤪

I believe in marriage and fighting for it once in. That said, what on earth is this man useful for? Where is his sense of pride when he's practically freeloading on the back of his wife? You would have known he wasn't thoughtful or responsible during courtship, so why did you make a home with him? Better to have a "come to Jesus!"conversation with him before you burn out. He should be paying at least half the mortgage and nursery bills, and using some of his AL to look after his own child.

On the wider subject, mothers: what kind of weak men are some of you raising? One of my neighbours does all the house work including "manly" jobs like lawnmowing whist teenage/grown sons are indoors unbothered. I get second-hand resentment on her behalf, knowing these sons would likely become problems for their future wives.

Wish you well OP but it's a new year, respectfully and prayerfully take some control and stop enabling bad behaviours. Don't make rash decisions such as abandoning the marriage without counting the costs and first trying to amend the situation. HNY!

You would have more free time off if you divorced and split custody. You will also pay less in child support. Ask the attorney if the court can order him to find more gainful employment.

He works long shifts so day to day it falls on me mainly which isn't an issue . He supports us financially more than I can . The holiday things has always been an issue and probably always will tbh, I wouldn't want to go away on holiday without DS the day might be nice.

You both need to communicate better and reach a compromise that works for each of you as individuals and as a family for time all together

Of course it shouldn’t all be on you and neither should you have to spell this out to your DH. But you need to make sure that you have the conversation asap to make it clear that it can’t happen again. Hopefully it’s just him being a thoughtless idiot who needs a kick up the arse. If he argues back about it or doesn’t change his behaviour bin future, then you need to consider your next move.

I’m sorry but why do we say it’s unreasonable to be resentful. Does her husband not wonder what happens to his child when nursery is closed. Why do we as mothers assume it’s a detail that only we pick up. Maybe we are actually doing men a disservice here?

I would get up next school holiday and go to work early and see what he does, maybe he will have to think on his feet but it will soon become a conversation topic that’s for sure. It’s the same with the age old “isn’t he sweet looking after the children for you” when you are on a night out. Erm you mean his own children. Honestly it drove me insane I swear the Drs forgot my ex was in the room when discussing my late son and that was his own fault he chose to not know things so he didn’t have to take responsibility for anything. All this did was make me realise I didn’t love him anymore and that his mom needed to take him back. Even at our son’s funeral he told me I wasn’t taking care of him enough. Never have I wanted to hurt someone like I did then. Anyway I digress either speak up now or start planning how to use up a pre digged grave ( they may just have been me). But don’t let it spoil 27 years of your life.

CrazyCatMom, you are at risk of burnout! Then you won’t be any good to anyone. New Year = new plans. Put your foot down and change this NOW! LOL

Maybe as it’s the beginning of the year you can get all the dates that will need covering and work out who is going to do which day. Yanbu. I would be fuming if I was the breadwinner. He is taking the piss. Talk about delusions of grandeur. Acts like he is the breadwinner but isn’t.

Beware of repressing anger and resentment. It builds up and years later can affect you physically . Best to sort it all out now. Why should you and your health suffer?

💯 this!

Why don’t you have this conversation with him?

he should have had time off over Xmas to look after your child too.

Sorry, OP. Sounds like you've married a boy. It probably won't get better.
You could/should try to have a reckoning with him. It may/may not make any difference. Then you have to weigh up your options. Sorry.