to feel resentful I’ve used my AL for childcare while DH saves his for child-free time?

What a terrible situation. Don't you spend time together WITH your baby? It sounds like a deep conversation is well over due! Get a year wall calendar and plan it together. What ever gives you both the Right to DOWNTIME from your little one? That baby is your first responsibility. Ok, you earn most money. Does he work full time too? Take the money out of the situation as each of you are obviously in jobs of your choice and discuss YOUR RELATIONSHIP! Together time? Division of Labour? Child time? It does sound as if he's living life as a single man if he plans time off at a different time to yourself. Most Odd.

I said you're being unreasonable because you're allowing this to happen. He has to do more.

Wow 😮 of course it’s lovely to look after your own child !
But toddlers are extremely demanding little people ( I ought to know I have 3 children) and if your job is also very demanding too then a bit of time to yourself is needed !
Are you deliberately trying to make the OP feel rubbish ?

It shouldn’t have anything to do with earnings. If 2 people work full time they should share the domestic load equally regardless of salary.

This is a wider societal issue. We have gained more freedom, but not equality. We still take on most of the domestic and caring roles. If you are the higher earner, your DH should do most of the domestic work, just as would be expected of you if there were genuine equality.

TELL him all nursery closures are now half each using AL.

I wouldn’t bring up the earning imbalance.

you have to have a sensitively handled “I love you but….” Conversation

I'm thinking you are not enjoying your current life to post this here. Is everything Ok?.

2year olds can be differently difficult in different situations and what bothered the OP mostly was the imbalance between her and DHs childcare responsibilities.

Hrft but our NHS parental leave is unpaid so do check out your local policy before booking it.

We do have generous (comparatively)paid carers leave and family leave, but parental leave is unpaid.

In your position, I might book it as unpaid leave and get the DH to make up your pay if he doesn't want to use his holiday

Men are much better at putting their own needs first.

Yes of course he is being unreasonable- but so are you a little bit.

You DC should occupy almost all of BOTH your AL as a given. They're already in full time nursery, so when do they get a break off of that at home? Having a toddler is relentless, but thats what you've signed up for, so I would abandon the idea of AL on your own at all - both of you.

Get time to yourself by swapping DC between the two of you during evenings and weekends/days off. Then they get to enjoy time with both parents independently and be in their home comforts.

To be fair I also regret being tired! I wish I’d made different decisions, I work hours that allow me to do everything (holidays, pick ups) and work (from home) all hours, getting up early, feeling run down all the time and sometimes snappy. You should be a team and in it together. Men like this need to be instructed - you need to sit down and be frank about how it’s not working. It’s also not about missing out - I am sure you want to take the holidays off with your child, but if you’re both off you get to do things together, step away, take a couple hours to yourself.

I’m a mum who regrets being tired. My kids and I would have had a better few years at the start if we hadn’t been so tired. The best thing we did in those years was get in help so niether of us was as exhausted. I only wish we could have got more.

He's the one missing out on those precious early years that go so quickly. Yes your tierd. But I have never heard a mum saying she regrets being tierd when their kid was little. But I know loads who regret working or not spending enough time taking in those early years. See this as a hidden blessing.

Oh my friend wait until school holidays and the bloody half terms!!!!! You will never ever see your money again or Patience. I have already planned all my holidays for 2026 with plane tickets bought!!! And we are two with no family in UK. I plan all my husband's days across the year too and we get each 5 days off traveling or doing whatever alone!

At the beginning of the year i send DH all the school holiday dates. Which are many. We choose one week to spend on a family holiday. Then the rest of our holidays we split for childcare, which we dont actually see as childcare. Ita just days off with our family. There are no rest days for ourselves. There isnt enough holiday.
You need to set this out each year now for at least the next decade. My dh never knows when the kids are breaking up, i have to remind him all through the entire year and make sure he has booked his days to cover. Because he is annoying and cant work it out for himself. Sounds like your dh is calendarly impared like many DHs seem to be. Therefore he needs a good kick up the arse to learn quickly that now he has no days to himself, just like you.

I'm sorry but solo parenting since boxing day and you're this strung out, wow. We are supposed to be successful to enable us to enjoy our family time more, give us more opportunities. It's Christmas time. Instead of being resentful why didn't you use some of that hard earned cash to make magical memories and have chill time with your child? There are some fantastic productions at the theatre, great menus this time of year at restaurants and loads of Christmas activites on until Monday. A two year old finds joy in bubbles, it's not hard to distract a toddler and find time for R&R. Solo parenting an 8 year old with ADHD....now that's a different story.

We all know he worked over the holiday to avoid the childcare. Then he will have a nice holiday to himself when everyone back to work/nursery. Just thinking about nicest path of action for him and throwing u under the bus.

Absolutely give it to him straight.
Tell him what happened is grossly unfair and is never happening again.

He sounds awful and just like the majority of men if left to their own devices. Was watching a mum with 3 kids pushing a heavy pushchair up a hill with husband walking behind drinking a can of monster. The woman was struggling and had baby and 3 kids attached to her. It really upset me actually.

So sorry u going through this.

Yabu to be putting up with him walking all over you!

Winner winner for him, it sounds like his ‘job’ is linked to a hobby he enjoys and he has fun like a big kid while mummy (you) manage everything else as well as paying the most!

Op I feel so frustrated for you that he’s living the life while your job and you sound quite stressed and drained ❤️

You can’t live like this please talk to him.

Agree with this - you appear to be not only taking on all the responsibility for childcare but also the bulk of the family finances - maybe show him this thread? New Year, new decisions / changes? What does he say when you (if you) discuss this??
With kindness, you need to sort this out or resentment will set in - if you just go along with this he will continue to take it all for granted.

This is your fault OP.
Because you are tolerating it.
You have married and chosen to fund and have a child with a selfish loser.
This is your life for as long as you tolerate it.

Get rid of him.
He's costing you money when he clearly doesn't care a dot for you or his child.

Apologies for being harsh, but why the hell would you be such a mug and tolerate this?

He's a single man, let him off.
All you do is fund his life.
So silly of you.

Of course he's happy with the set up. Why wouldn't he be? But OP should have had this discussion earlier. If he's aware of the situation then you could also argue that he was TA for not suggesting divided responsibility.

100% this. What does he bring to the table? Ask him this question.

I love this! How on earth did he think you were going to magically cover it if he couldn’t!?

@CrazyCatMom looks like he is being cheeky but he might not really have thought much about it. Time to set things out plainly. Think you need to have the conversation that if you are both working, you are both responsible for childcare (and pooling AL as needed to cover it). Also, you should discuss how the financial split is working for you. Obviously if you are earning loads more, a 50:50 split might leave him with little over but whatever you do should be fair. Personally I’d always want to pay half the mortgage but the other bills could be split differently to leave both of you with disposable
income (guess you do something like that). But if that is happening, I’m not sure why he wouldn’t jump at the chance of being default parent at least once a week just to give you a break.

however, he might step up when you explain things aren’t working … maybe you could write down the points you want to make/any non-negotiables for you … let us know how that goes.