to feel resentful I’ve used my AL for childcare while DH saves his for child-free time?

Think you must be tired. My replies are selective to the facts. You seem to be conjuring up your own narrative of her situation.

Funny how your replies are so selective. You get extra points for throwing in the fact of it being Xmas when people want to spend time with their kids. Did you take a course in guilt tripping and handmaidenhood or does it come naturally?

No comment on how the OP is sick of people not wanting to spend time with the kids they created....as her husband is doing. No comment on how she is facilitating every thing in their lives with her earnings, her work in the home and her using her AL when he doesnt do any of that.

Your situation is unfair, you know it is unfair. You need to sit your DH down and tell him this and that you won’t be doing the same in future.

She's taken time off over Christmas - the exact same thing many, many people do because it's Christmas. The time when many actually want to enjoy the seasons activities with their kids. Don't make it something extrordinary!
And you guess very wrong! I have all that and more.

This is not really anyones fault then, it's something you guys just didn't think about.

But this is the thing when you have kids - your resources, be they money, or vacation time, or whatever, are pooled, and you need to work out how to use them as a family.

There is a tendency now, where both partners typically work, for couples to view their stuff as separate, Their incomes, their assets sometimes, vacation time, spending money. And as long as both incomes are adaquate it usually is ok when there are no kids.

But once there are kids it all changes, because you are all in together. The whol e "what's mine is yours" really reveals itself for what it is, your lives are now interconnected in a very radical way. You need to decide as a family how to allocate funds, both for necessities and fun money, who takes time off for vacation and sick leave, maybe even things like who leaves their job to care for child who needs full time care for some reason.

It sounds OP like you guys ave not developed the tools to sit down and make these decisions, you are operating as two separate people.

Are you for real?

Yeah....and so is the OP.

Yes because she is knackered and over stimulated and her husband, the fathers child, is nowhere to be seen.

She is providing literally everything! She pays the mortgage, the bills, childcare, everything and on top of that she gets no time at all to just sit and veg safe in the knowledge that someone else is in charge. Of course she is pissed off! She can love her child, want to be with her child and still be pissed off.

I am guessing that this isnt something that has hit you yet, but I can guarantee that one day it will. Babyhood, toddlerhood, tweenies, teens.....it will happen! And maybe on that day you will gain a little empathy.

Well maybe if people realised what parenting was they would think whether it suits them or not. I'm frankly sick of seeing adults putting their wants ahead of their kids.

Except she's phrased it that's she is pissed off at having to look after her child too. Frankly I only feel sorry for the child, both parents being so unhappy to use their annual leave to look after their own kid.

And I really fucking hate this concept that women should be utterly joyful at every second of time with a child "they chose to have". No. Stop that martyrish shite.

Its only with the privilege of hindsight that we can say "oh they are not little for long". When its actually happening, each day can feel like ten years. Its a long hard slog at times and knowing that the person who is supposed to be your partner is just letting you carry the load makes it even harder.

Posting this kind of crap just adds to the societal guilt poured onto mothers, you should be ashamed of yourself for making any struggling mother who reads that bilge feel worse.

She can do both.

She can be happy that she had this time with her child whilst, AT THE SAME TIME being pissed off that Mr Wonderful is using her AL as a way to save his own and avoid his parenting responsibilities.

Its clear that he values time to do his hobbies and relax more than a) spending time with his child and b) allowing his wife time to relax and do her hobbies.

Her being pissed off at him being a selfish shit and having no time for herself doesnt mean that she resents spending time with her own child.

Or she could value the time with the child she presumably chose to have. They're not little for long.

@mumatlast14well no but in an adult relationship you should be able to discuss and come to a fair, mutual arrangement. You do have agency in how your child is cared for and whether it should all fall on you.

But she can talk to him and she can explain actions have consequences and their marriage will suffer if he’s not actually in it anymore but just looking after himself and doesn’t treat her like a partner worthy of respect, or his child like someone who matters to him. Your post sounds like she should just suck it up- she has been jut sucking it up under the delusion they are a team and he values her contribution, now she knows that’s a delusion there are many many things she can change, the very first of which is to stop just sucking it up.

But you can't control someone else. Concentrate on having your own great experiences with your own child. Your child's memories will be of the great times they had with you.

Is weaponising stuff the best way through this? That doesn’t feel healthy to me but if that’s your relationship good luck to you

Reframe - he needs to spend time with his child

I would definitely bring up the earnings imbalance. Men weaponise this all the time, so why shouldn’t OP?

The earning imbalance is indeed a sensitive point as many men in that situation feel "emasculated", and anecdotally cheat to regain some self esteem.

Nevertheless, it is a big elephant in this relationship and needs to be addressed somehow. Most reasonable partners who are not breadwinners often contribute more to the home e.g. childcare to balance things out. Yet, this selfish man is taking the mic. Alas, maybe he didn't even want to be "tied down" in this relationship in the first place, hence the entitlement.

Well you need to tell your partner he needs to step as parent & partner.
Its not a fair balance. & you dont accept being run into the ground while he conveniently saves his holiday to do zero child care

I’ve voted YANBU but I’d like to know, why are you letting this happen? Have you even discussed it?
You should be having a frank discussion outlining that you need to split childcare duties 50/50 and not leave it all to you. People will behave how you allow them to, and currently, you are being a doormat and dh probably thinks it’s all ok!

Reframe - you got to spend time with your child.

This sounds like my previous life. I wasted 41 years! Before first child I was the bigger earner. I stuck around until second child was settled after leaving home then filed for divorce. If he's like that now, you can try the "chat" about shared responsibilities but think the OP will be in same position Iheartmystart and I were sadly. Because even aftet the "chat" things just fell back to me doing the lions share.

Probably should be having this discussion with your husband rather than the internet