In not pursuing a diagnosis for five year old?

In your shoes, there’s probably no immediate need to get a diagnosis at this time but if he struggles to cope with school, then getting him seen by a specialist paediatrician would be sensible as they can offer advice and suggestions for strategies could make a huge difference to his ability to cope and even thrive.

Also, bear in mind that school staff are not medically competent to diagnose these things. DS has autism and dyspraxia and was diagnosed by a paediatric neurologist when he was 15.

As DS has always been quietly academic and non sporty, both primary and secondary school staff dismissed my concerns that he was struggling with some aspects of school life. However, DS was getting bullied and starting to self harm so I knew I needed professional help fast.

Once he was diagnosed, the paediatrician wrote a list of adjustments for the school to implement and DS’s life has been transformed. To be fair, once they had the letter from the neurologist, the school has implement everything we’ve asked for.

I would start the process, referral wait is multiple years. Do not wait until late primary or will be too late for secondary.

Nursery and teachers often do not want paperwork and will happily brush under carpet hoping to hand problem and costs onto next setting

It’s not easy. I have SEND children and I work hard at this.

What do you mean by you struggle to talk? Does he response when you talk about things he enjoys eg Octonoughts, minecraft, football or whatever it is? Does he chat when you’re doing things together eg in car, baking, crafts, walking on walls? Does he respond when you involve him
in plans eg “What do you want to do this weekend?”Or is it just emotions he struggles with?

What sort of stuff does DH let go which you don’t? Are you trying to set boundaries?

Well, kids that age can be very stroppy, strong willed etc but if you think there’s a genuine problem, then pursue it.

He may have SEN or he may not but what you describe he has issues with emotional regulation and you need to be teaching him the skills to recognise his emotions and deal with them.

This resonates.

I was diagnosed as ADHD as an adult. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but I think I would have had a much less stressful childhood and much happier adulthood, and I would have made different choices career-wise, if I had been aware at a younger age of how my brain worked and that I wasn't just "defective" in some ways.

It depends on the school, my daughters school puts support in place without diagnosis. Although it is an enhanced resources school with a head with a SENCO specialism. One of my friends children went through the assessment route for autism and it came back as there's something going on but we aren't sure about autism. The heads response was we will continue to provide support for the symptoms and how X presents we don't need a diagnosis to keep doing that and let's see how things evolve over time. They have made adjustments this year for things that were difficult last year and that's helped a lot. The company doing the assessment are providing on going support too and will potentially look at redoing the assessment once they are older

In most areas there is a 2-3 year waiting list for adhd or autism assessment, nearer 5 years for a more complex sen assessment.

I would speak to school and get a referral in place so that you’re on the waiting list. When your turn comes and you get the appointment, if you still have no concerns then just cancel the appointment.

If he does have Sen needs then a diagnosis and working school support in place before secondary school application age (beginning of year 6) will make a huge difference!

In the mean time some things which you can try if you think he has adhd tendencies are below for you, none of them do any harm if he doesn’t.

High protein breakfast every day
Exercise every day before school (if you have a garden get a trampoline!)
zinc, magnesium, l-theanine and omega 3 supplements
play therapy
retained primative reflex screening and if needed therapy (usually have to wait till 7)
hearing test
Wobble cushion and theraband in school (and for meals at home), fidget tools.
Ear defenders if meltdowns happen more in busy or loud places

I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and I feel so upset for little me, who struggled so much. I missed so many opportunities and my self esteem was as low as it could be.

DD was diagnosed age 12 and she's now on medication and has extra assistance at school. It also helps her to understand that she's not stupid or lazy, her brain just works differently and she learns in a different way.

You are experiencing problems. TALK TO SCHOOL about it.

They may be able to signpost you to parent support about how you communicate with your child. Or offer coping strategies WITHOUT the need for a diagnosis or entering the process for assessment.

Remember the point is that engaging with school for an assessment is just that - having an assessment to see if you need parental support OR there's an underlying problem - the outcome of a diagnosis is NOT a given.

Sometimes it's actually a bit of both and parental strategies and support early can reduce the need for greater interventions later on.

One of the big things is that late diagnosis is often after a child or adult has had significant issues with anxiety or depression or behaviour first. It's not a desirable route. Early diagnosis can stop this pathway and put in a positive structure around your child so they can cope without being instantly judged because they repeatedly get into undesirable situations. It's a prevention strategy - which is less traumatic for all involved.

Why wouldn’t you want the experts to help and support you on this?

if he doesn’t have special educational needs then the diagnosis will confirm this

Report what? Me saying that your OP has a few red flags for autism? I’m speaking as the mother of an autistic child.

DM sent. X

How is your DS with your DH? Does he behave the same for him as he does for you?

That’s why you go to the experts and let them use their knowledge and the tests at their disposal.

The thing is though, I don't think you're supposed to know for sure, you're not qualified to. You can only suspect - the referral for a diagnosis is to those who can know for sure.

The only thing I would say is that there doesn't necessarily have to be anything negative from the school. Two things from the school that made the penny drop from me in relation to my daughter weren't 'negative' as such but were highlighted as slightly out of the norm, and when I put that together with my observations at home it made a lot of sense. I suddenly saw my ADHD sister in my daughter. We also haven't sought a diagnosis (at this time/yet/I don't know).

It can be difficult to weigh up what to do so you need to ask yourself really what would you want to achieve in terms of support if there was a diagnosis? Can you access that support without a diagnosis? Not every neurodivergent person crashes and burns but you can't tell that in advance. Start with the school first and foremost as a two-way communication.

1. Fine at 5 isn't fine at 15.
2. Find out the process for diagnosis in your area. Even if you don't decide to pursue now, it's valuable to understand the process. It's MUCH either to get a diagnosis in primary than high school. Also in many places you do not go to the GP at all. In our area you HAVE to go through school and you get actively bounced by the GP back to them. In our school, they won't actively suggest there is a problem UNLESS the child's behaviour is significantly affecting others. This creates a ridiculous situation where parents are supposed to approach the school about concerns and make the suggestion of an assessment NOT the other way round. So don't necessarily expect school to raise it with you if they see a problem - teachers at our school are actively discouraged from doing this. This naturally disadvantages kids who don't have parents who know their shit or can't be arsed - some of those who perhaps need support more than everyone else.
3. We found ourselves in a situation where parents of another child were actively refusing to go down the diagnosis route. This caused massive issues for every single child in the class because the school didn't get even minimal money to try and support his needs. This had a massive impact on the teacher and TAs time to the detriment of all other kids. There would have been extra money available if they had got their act together.
4. In the end the above child ended up getting a diagnosis - but only after it was forced by other parents pushing on his behaviour being a safeguarding risk and outside services being forced to get involved and it nearly breaking the family apart. The parents and the kid were not popular for this decision.
5. It still takes over a year for diagnosis. An early diagnosis DOES NOT mean you have to take drugs. It means you can potentially get access for extra time / support in exams. This doesn't have to be taken up at primary. Many kids can be fine during primary and it only becomes problematic with the additional stresses of high school.

Have a real examination of why you DON'T want a diagnosis. Perhaps write them down here - we can give you feedback on these concerns.

DS has a diagnosis, but largely copes now. He has days where he gets overwhelmed by stuff and he's not on medication. We are using coping strategies and work around a instead to build his skills to do this, rather than asking school for billions of things. I don't anticipate problems until high school but everything is in place should he need it, which makes it much easier in the long run.