In not pursuing a diagnosis for five year old?

What consequences do you currently have in place for your son?
Bad behaviour and tantrums alone are not an indicator of SEN

Talk to his teacher first. See if his teacher has noticed anything and what school are doing to support him if she/he has. If they really haven't noticed anything, then talk about how they manage him in school and think about how your parenting or things at home, may be the cause of these problems. Please don't just leave it though, as if there is something there, the gap between him and his peers is likely to increase as he gets older without support.

Start by talking to school, What's he like there? I had school pursuing a diagnosis for DS when he was 6, paediatrician disagreed with what they wanted. My ds has many quirks but isn't neuro diverse. Moved him to independent school and he thrived, he wasn't ticking any of the boxes for neurodiversity and the paediatrician agreed with me that he was way ahead of those in the same age group so needed a different style which school wasn't prepared to offer as an adjustment. But, something isn't quite right if he's always having terrible meltdowns just with you and something you can definitely seek advice about.

I have an ASD child, as most people answering here so, but I'm not going to project from my own experiences. Its interesting that you don't mention any concerns or traits other than the temper. I know a temper can be a sign of ND and struggling, but there are a lot of ways kids can struggle and lash out - bullying, speech delay, poor sleep, not enough exercise, low level pain, I've known one child turn out to be coeliac and expressing stomach pain as anger...

Instead of jumping to SENs, I'd try to spot patterns, times of day, triggers, good days, sleep, diet etc. Even if you go for a diagnosis, all information is valuable. However, I wouldn't jump to this as the only option and risk missing something else while you wait.

Good luck

Incredibly unreasonable yes. You can’t expect a neurodivergent child to survive in a neurotypical world without huge adjustments. Adjustments are only possible with a diagnosis, EHCP and parents that fight tooth and nail 24/7 for support. If you don’t do this, you’ll likely have a teenager in burnout, which can take many forms including self harm and worse. Start now.

I am guessing this is just a thinly veiled "too many people being diagnosed with ND" thread.

The most useful advice we got was from an NVR counsellor. Both he and his brother were ND and he freely admitted that their parents, a senior teacher and a social worker, had struggled hugely with them as children!

Do you know who was in all of my parenting classes? School staff struggling with their own children. I was the only person not working in education in those waste of time sessions. All of us had been ignored for years and been parenting at a top level for a long time.

The only good thing that came out of it was that they told me to apply for DLA (which I had dismissed) and filled out some of the paperwork for me.

This is all very area dependent. There was absolutely no parenting advice or classes offered in our area (unless you already knew what was up with your child such as ADHD) and when years later we finally did get referred, the classes were only ever offered during the day so we couldn't go as we were at work.

Tbh lucky we kept our jobs as having a child with complex SEN is extremely expensive!

Sometimes bad / reactive behaviour can be down to a parent letting a child get away with murder, or having a bad home life. I think YABU for automatically jumping to SEN conclusions.

You need to look at your parenting first and foremost. Your school could offer support with this, ours are always sending out emails with local classes advertised to help parents with challenging children. They would also be able to give you any insights into what they are like at school in more detail.

I dont mean to sound judgemental - some kids are bloody hard work compared to others! So you could just need some tactics to help you.

In my experience you have to have some idea of what you're looking at as a parent, in order to know what kind of assessment to seek, though.

I mean, it would be ideal if (like in other developed countries), a paediatrician saw your child annually and could.give you pointers, but that's not what we've got in the UK.

For me the lockdown of spring and summer 2020 was crucial because I could observe DD closely and her struggles accessing education in a way that I couldn't normally.

Oh yes. There are two schools in my town and one does very little unless forced and the school my daughter goes to that has high levels of SEN and lots of resources so can put things in place earlier. They have sought out extra funding for example for sensory rooms and plenty of TAs to provide support whilst waiting for assessments.

AuDHD DD can clash awfully with AuDHD DH. They are rigid in quite similar ways.

The OP is recognising there IS a problem and that in itself is important and should be supported.

She doesn't know what the solution is and doesn't want to go through a sausage factory diagnosis process - which frankly ISN'T the solution anyway - it may open pathways to solutions but it's not the only way to find those pathways to solutions.

Strategies for managing ADHD are just useful strategies that can benefit NT people too. They are worth looking at generally for everyone for this reason.

Likewise poor communication techniques can found in NT people too - and strategies used for ND can be helpful.

These don't require a diagnosis.

Making school away of problems at home generally is useful. School can then be aware of the pastoral issues that might manifest in class. People often don't do this when they should out of embarrassment or shame. But a teacher generally will respect parents who say 'help' or 'what can I do to make this better for my child's because they are on team child and understand harmony at home equals happier and better performing children all round. They know you are an engaged parent who is easier to approach about any potential problems in future too. They don't like parents who are in denial or don't care or don't want to engage.

There's a stigma about 'failing' as a parent or being seen to be. The reality is you have only failed if you don't try and improve things or pretend there's no problem until it's hit an irreversible crisis point.

Do whatever you can as early as you can to prevent that crisis.

If you have communication issue and personality clashes at age 5, be proactive cos by age 14 they will be a lot worse. Even if your child isn't ND.

One thing I would say here is the role of your DH. Are you the bad guy and he's always the good guy - instead of framing this as potentially you being the bad parent thinks about how you aren't working together and how it could be HIM undermining you by turning a blind eye to behaviour that shouldn't be ignored and thus your son has learnt bad habits and doesn't understand why it's okay with Daddy but not with Mummy and therefore gets upset because he's confused. Because you are the one who says no you get the brunt of it - even though you are the one parenting appropriately whilst your DH abdicates responsibility for parenting and delegates it all to you.

Unless you work with a team all on the same page - both parents AND school you may well have problems merely from that.

Yes sorry I should have been clearer. I work in education as a SN 1-1. My job is reliant on the funding schools received for children who have been assessed and diagnosed. That is absolutely not to say that we don’t put support in for children who haven’t, we absolutely do. However, not all schools are the same as you say and I feel very lucky that our school is so inclusive and goes
the extra mile. So many don’t or indeed can’t.

I wouldn't leave it. It's not a label, it's an explanation. Apart from anything when you have a child diagnosed you then start to understand how neuro divergence is genetic and if your child is, you and/or their dad almost certainly are!
There are a number of kids in the school where I am a TA who aren't diagnosed and are muddling along. The further they go up the school the go, on the whole, the less they are coping.

😵

70% of the prison population have undiagnosed ND
Huge increase in children refusing schools due to SEND difficulties
Umdiagnosed ADHD costs the U.K. £73m per year.
To say nothing of the mental health issues it brings.
It gets worse as they get older.

You need to intervene asap and get an assessment.

All schools are different but I would be wary of expecting them to be honest. DS2’s primary school insisted there was no problem with parents but told a different tale when an NHS specialist ADHD nurse observed him in class. They knew that the report recommending ADHD medication and assessment for ASD including teacher comments had been shared with parents but still sought to argue all was fine. I can only think that their motivation to block diagnosis was financially based. Thankfully they failed and my son got the EHCP support and meds to enable him to progress. During the formal diagnosis of ASD they were actually reprimanded by GOSH for submitting reports that could not be true given assessments carried out by their own SALT, OT and EP. He’s now at uni studying mechanical engineering.

Does he talk nonesense to others?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all — what you’re describing is a really uncomfortable middle ground to be in.

One thing I’d gently say is that it doesn’t have to be a straight choice between pursuing a diagnosis right now or doing nothing and struggling on. A lot of children sit in that in-between space for quite a while, especially at five, when regulation, language and coping are still very much developing.

It can sometimes help to focus less on labels and more on what actually makes day-to-day life calmer — routines, transitions, expectations, how stress is building up — and to review things over time rather than feeling you need to make a once-and-for-all decision now.

You’re also not imagining how exhausting it is when strategies that are meant to “work” don’t help. That doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.

If it helps, I do occasionally offer confidential one-to-one parent support calls where we talk things through and try to make sense of what might be going on, without pressure to diagnose or take any particular path. Happy to share details by PM.

But either way — you’re not being unreasonable, and you don’t have to decide everything at once.

early intervention has a major impact on outcomes, and there are some brilliant resources on offer now

It’s frustrating when people say they are seeking a “diagnosis”. It makes it sound like scarier than it really is because it suggests a preconceived belief that the child does have autism/ADHD etc.

Really we should be seeking an assessment.

Have you tried any parenting books, OP? I can relate to feeling like my relationship with my child was poor. Tbh it's really common for mothers to have it tougher though, and also really common for dads to minimise difficulties (sometimes because they are in denial that they have ND/SEN themselves...)

DH found the process of DD being diagnosed really empowering in the end. He said it explained a lot. About him...

Here are some I found useful:

Calm Parents, Happy Kids (Laura Markham)
10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (Jeffrey Bernstein)
The Explosive Child (Ross Greene)

One well known one that really didn't work for me was "How to Talk So Your Children Will Listen". Despite being superficially extremely articulate, my DD has some quite extensive but subtle issues with communication. As she's my only child I didn't have much to compare her with. Although when we'd have a playmate round, I'd be like: "Whoa! This must be what two-way conversations feel like!"

I was sort of thinking that if he behaves for his dad and not you it could just be because he knows he can push boundaries with you. My niece no SEN behaves for everyone but the minute her mum is in the room she changes completely. My nephew with SEN he is just the same for whoever he is with