Am I Unreasonable To Be Surprised That 6 Friends Sent Me Happy New Year Messages Even Though My Daughter Has Just Died

@wheredidtheteago "I think it’s quite lovely tbh."

No, it is not at all "lovely". What can possibly be lovely when very close friends send a generic Happy New Year message to someone who's just lost their 29 year old daughter. Would you send a jolly Happy New Year! message to someone whose child had just died? OP has suffered an insurmountable tragedy that will effect every part of her life forever. I seriously hope you've never experienced anything like it. How long does it take to send an individual message of love to someone in such unimaginable pain? Seconds, minutes at most? How much brain power does it take to select a few appropriate words, such as "thinking of you"? I wouldn't dream of being so fucking, pathetically thoughtless.

I'd say the exact opposite to this. I'd say the generic messages the op received were just the straw that broke the camels back. It was just the very last thing she needed, at this very moment.
Dismissing it as something she shouldn't think about it just missing the point entirely.
She is hurting enough. She simply doesn't need thoughtlessness on top of everything else she is enduring.

My heart really goes out to you here @LadyMacbethWasFierce. I can see how you are being so stoical replying to posters saying you can't expect others to always consider you and your friends are only being kind. I disagree, but I think its so admirable you are considering others, when really at this stage you shouldn't have to. You are hurting too much to see straight, and to me that's totally understandable and expected. Im just so sorry you and your family are going through this.

I'm so sorry OP. Your messages have made me tear up a bit. Losing a child is devastating and I cannot fathom the pain you are in. I'm so sorry.

I wouldnt give it a 2nd thought tbh .
Op has clearly had a awful 2025 .
Especially the last couple of months the last thing I would be dwelling on would be everyday generic festive messages .
They maybe slightly thoughtless from ops personal perspective as she is still feeling extremely raw and in the midst of grief but I dont think the friends are thoughtless nor do I think they've done anything wrong ,so I think op is BU to think of her friends badly .

I am so shocked that so many people think the message is appropriate. I just cannot imagine messaging a friend who has gone through a very recent and tragic bereavement and saying only happy new year. It is always hard messaging someone who is going through a difficult time but surely put your own feelings aside and say something thoughtful/supportive.

'What you got have been through is truly horrendous and your friends may not have meant any offence at the time'

The insensitivity is appalling. To cause distress to grieving parents is absolutely offensive intended or not.

Eyeshadow

"Why not?
What would you say instead?"

Just think about it.

I met a friend at church just before christmas and I wished her a Happy Christmas - her elderly father died 2 weeks earlier. I felt awful but it wasn’t intentional and I hope she saw it as that.

@workshy46 if you are worried about saying the wrong thing, then you can say that!

A message saying "Thinking of you." or "You are in our thoughts particularly this NYE" would be hard pushed to be considered offensive.

Seriously @Eyeshadow ? Do you really think any parent whose child has very recently died is going to have a "Happy New Year"? Are you honestly saying that would be your greeting to a friend of yours who had just lost their child? Let's turn the question around and ask you why you would say that?

In whose head is happy new year appropriate? Its going to be a horrible new year, their DD literally just died. No need to message at midnight, message any time around Christmas/new year to say you are thinking of them or something surely. That's what friends do.

Why not?
What would you say instead?

OP I would feel the same as you. After I lost my daughter, which was as baby, so I'm not saying it's the same as your loss and don't pretend to know what your going through but I remember the depth of grief and a message like that would have upset me. I remember being upset with people who sent insensitive messages and people who didn't contact me at all. I wouldn't have sent you that message at this time but it may be that these people were drunk or distracted or forgot momentarily or just didn't want to leave you out. I'm sure it wasn't intended but people don't think or don't know what to say.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I just find it very hard to believe anyone would send just 'happy new year' to a friend who lost their child 2 months before without it being on a round robin.

Its why people back away when something like this happens, they are afraid of saying the wrong thing.. I know I am and agonize over messages and delay and avoid sending as I'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing and upsetting them. Its either getting a few off color remarks or people crossing the street to avoid you. People are awful with others grief , I'm so so sorry about your daughter

We don’t know that it was a round robin message. We don’t know that the friends were out and thought I’ll just send a quick message now and then I’ll send a more thoughtful message when I can formulate and get into a conversation/reply should friend want to engage. It’s so hard to navigate someone else grief and know what’s the right thing to do. So if no one sent a message would the post be my DD died and none of my friends acknowledged me on NYE.

Surely a generic round Robin message is meaningless to anyone though? An individual appropriate message is much more thoughtful regardless of who the person is surely.

It must have been devastating to get those messages OP, but TBH to be seeing the start of a new year in which your darling daughter will have no part is bound to be devastating, so don't let the messages ruin your friendship with these friends who made a blunder this time, but have otherwise supported you.

I think they can’t go right for doing wrong in the situation. If they leave you out and don’t send the message do they feel like you’re being excluded/forgot about. Grief is very hard to navigate for both the person grieving and the people trying to support. My friend lost her son age 3, 6 years ago, him and my son were born weeks apart! The guilt I felt every time I shared a picture or was in a bad mood cos he was having a bad day! But she wanted to act as normal, still share, still send the happy birthday messages etc

sorry for your loss ❤️

I’m so sorry for your loss, @LadyMacbethWasFierce

They were probably drunk as skunks OP and miss- judged the situation.

I am genuinly very sorry for your loss.

What you got have been through is truly horrendous and your friends may not have meant any offence at the time.

I agree.

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard grieving people get angry because someone has said “sorry for your loss” or “thinking of you at this time” etc.

There was an entire thread not long ago about miscarriages and posters saying how offensive it was to say sorry for your loss - which I always thought was a nice thing to say.

Then some people wanted to be treated normally and then some got annoyed that they were.

The truth is that grief makes you angry.
But you need to not take it out on other people.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Having lost my own son 5 months ago, I think I've worked out that people want to say something kind, but actually they cant find the words. So, they fall back on the old faithfuls.....I've had Merry Christmas, Happy New year, have a wonderful holiday (after I fled to Egypt to try and diffuse my grief with sunshine) and several "have a brilliant weekend" after I've had panic attacks at work through sheer grief.
People generally mean well, they just dont know how to express themselves.
Try not to read too much into it

You see that's where you and a lot of people would differ.
If my good friend had just lost a child they would be heavily in my thoughts, especially during this time of year.
I wouldn't be mindlessly sending out a group text. And if I had made that mistake I'd be apologising for it.
It's so unbelievably inconsiderate and you don't need to have suffered a bereavement in your life ever to be able to empathise in this situation. Not experiencing bereavement is no excuse.

Of course I have.
Every person on here would have.