Am I Unreasonable To Be Surprised That 6 Friends Sent Me Happy New Year Messages Even Though My Daughter Has Just Died

Losing your mother is upsetting of course, and it's worse if you lose her when you're quite young, but it doesn't compare to losing a child, it really doesn't... I PRAY you never lose a child. The grief is immeasurable.

If your colleague is still crying every week for her mother who died 8 years ago, then she really needs to see a specialist, and she seriously needs to get some counselling. It's very unusual to still be sobbing every week over the death of your mother - 8 years later.

And I say this as someone whose mother died some years ago, and my DH's did too, and many other people I know have lost their mother. None of us were crying every week - 8 years later ....It is a terrible loss for many people, but nothing like the death of a child. There should be no top trumps in grief, but no way is the death of a mother worse than the death of a child... For the vast majority of people.

I’m so sorry for your loss.
I imagine these people send blanket messages to all of their contacts and while insensitive (to put it mildly) I don’t think it was meant with any malice and suspect they’’d be mortified if they realised the hurt it has caused you.
I think it’s lovely of some of your friends to send you personal messages acknowledging the grief you are feeling. Despite having lost my fiancé (many years ago) just before Christmas I struggle myself with knowing what to say to anyone suffering bereavement as words sound so hollow. But I always remember those who sent me heartfelt messages or those who said they didn’t have the words but thought of me - those who have done this for you are true friends & will I’m sure be there to offer whatever support they can.
Wishing you & your family strength over the coming weeks & months as you negotiate your grief.

'One grief isnt more important than another though'

'One grief' is indeed worse than another. Losing a child is unimaginable.

So sorry for your loss op and sorry for your stupid contacts sending insensitive, crass messages .

i think this is the problem. Maybe they are the kind of people who wanted to be treated as normal when they suffered a loss. most people have suffered some form of loss at some point, it’s very personal how long it takes you to move forward or to feel you want to be treated ‘normally’.

I had a colleague who lost her mum very young and unexpectedly. Our boss emailed that she did not want anyone to speak to her about it or treat her differently.

Completely insensitive and unkind.

Why not make the message personal along the lines of Wishing you and husbands name and children love and peace for 2026.

You do realise that it is only two months since her child died? OP will have to live the rest of her life without her beloved daughter. I don't really think that 2026 will be better than 2025. The utter shock may have worn off, but the reality of losing her daughter will still be setting in.

People are being so trite and clueless.

My Daughter died at 24 (cancer). Im sorry you are going through this.
It's so very hard and so so sad.
I think you are extra emotional and that's to be expected, but you will find and I found this the hardest is to other people life goes on.
Im sure your friends meant no disrespect and they would take the pain away if they could, and sending Happy New Year messages is thier way of trying to help you slowly try to start living again. It is a pain noone understands so I think the messages are sent with love even though I think I wouldn't of sent them myself.

I have been in a similar position.

Thing is, people don't know what to say. They don't want to send no message, because they're afraid you'll think they don't care. On the other hand, they don't want to speak directly about your loss, because they don't know what to say or whether to say anything. They're terrified of upsetting you - they don't realise that you couldn't be more unhappy than you already are.

So they fall back on meaningless convention. They think that's the safest option.

They don't mean to be insensitive. In fact, they trying to be very sensitive. They're completely wrong, but it's not for want of trying to do the right thing.

I know people who have lost a child.

My mother lost a child. My cousin lost a child.

My mother cries over her own mother's death and her child's death, equally. She was very close to her mother. She remembers them both

'Tiptoe'?

Dear god.

@LadyMacbethWasFierce I am so sorry for your loss

You can't possibly know that. Plus, losing a child is against the natural order of things and is most people's worst nightmare. Losing a parent or a grandparent, even in traumatic circumstances, isn't the same at all.

One grief isnt more important than another though.

I have a colleague who told me that she still cries every week - over her mother dying 8 years ago.

Death is something that sadly we all have to deal with.

I send you lots of love OP

Surely this year is bound to be better than last year was when she lost her child? It would hardly be worse.

What?? Of course they should tiptoe around OP. She’s suffered a devastating loss and the generic messages were thoroughly inappropriate and thoughtless.
I’m so sorry for your loss OP.

I am so sorry op for your loss. I can feel your pain and I have no doubt how hard it is for you.

Exactly. Quite why people think the OP is being unreasonable just baffles me. Have a heart people for goodness sake.

If it were me and I knew how much you were struggling, I'd have still sent a happy new year message, and I might have added an acknowledgement that it's a hard time, or amended it to say I hope the new year is kind to your, or similar. It's possible your friends didn't think a generic message would be upsetting at all though - I think grief is hard to understand and it's different for everybody. If they hadn't messaged at all then you might feel upset that they hadn't bothered even though you'd just lost your daughter. Kindly, I think your grief is clouding your judgement a little, especially as you say your friends have been generally very supportive.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I really do hope the new year is kind to you.

Xxx

Exactly!

Does not meant that you cannot acknowledge how another person is feeling and tbh losing a child is hardly the same as losing an aged grandparent. I have lost both my parents, but cannot imagine the pain the op is suffering with the loss of her daughter.

I am so sorry. You're in the middle of the worst possible thing a person can go through, so of course anything with happy or celebration in it will be so incredibly jarring it will take your breath away when you read it.
Your heart is broken. I'm so so sorry.x

We haven't all lost a child.

I agree. I might not have sent any message on NYE specifically because I would’ve thought that the OP and family might want time and space at a potentially incredibly upsetting time, having gone abroad. (That’s not a criticism of those who sent sensitive messages though. There’s more than one possible approach here.). I wouldn’t have been ignoring though, and would’ve been in touch soon after.

I suspect that these people sent out a generic Happy New Year message to the contacts in their phone. Sending someone who has lost a child (regardless of their age) within the last 3 months, a Happy New Year message, is thoughtless. I doubt very much it was sent in a malicious way, but it was thoughtless. You are all grieving, losing your daughter is still very raw and the pain deep. Life at the moment, is most definitely not happy. I'd try to put it aside, and focus on the fact that these people have been supportive. Sending you much love and a hug ❤️

Some of the replies on this thread will just be adding to the distress and hurt the OP is already feeling.
I am finding some of them really shocking and I am several years on from losing my child.
Of course it is AIBU.
OP, if you haven't found the Bereavement board, it is a safe, supportive space for those of us who are grieving. The people on there understand.

But we have ALL gone through grief.