Being a parent: ‘The good days outweigh the bad’. No they don’t…

The OP has specifically said that for them the good moments of parenting right now absolutely do not outweigh everything else (mundane, relentless, exhausting, dread everyday). Posters saying 'i find my baby perfect and the love overwhelming' just makes someone struggling feel worse that they too are not being that kind of parent. It's like saying to someone with depression 'im not depressed, have you tried not being depressed, like me'

It depends on the child you have.

Mine absolutely hated being a baby, so he has gotten more and more delightful with every stage - although I think preschool age is my favorite. If you have a chilled baby, there is going to be a stage where everything gets worse, and that it a tough adjustment.
Mine are mid teens now. Still waiting for the stroppy teen stage to hit.

I totally get you, OP. At that age, it definitely wasn't that the good times outweighed the bad - more like there were good moments that were just enough to sustain me. Sometimes the good bit of parenting is the sense of reward you get after the fact, rather than enjoying it in the moment. And that's ok.

I think it will get easier once your DC is bit more independent and is happy to leave your lap. I found it got much easier at about 3. Mine are older now, the eldest is a teenager, and I am REALLY enjoying them!

You need to take it over the longer term. You are in the trenches right now, it’s the worst bit. This too shall pass. My daughter is 16. 2 and 3 were horrific. But beyond that time, even taking in to account all the bad days we had during those times, the good days are far more.

If I had my time again, I’d go back and not sweat any of the small stuff, or even much of the big stuff. We’re so focussed at that point about teaching them good habits and fearful if we let them “get away” with anything we’ll fuck them up for life. Do what you need to do to get through it. If sometimes that means letting them have cake for breakfast, just do it. Much of their frustration comes from being told no no no all the time. Let them have a degree of autonomy, make some choices, feel like they are in control, and things should go a lot smoother.

I always looked at the entirely different ways my friend and I raised our kids. Her boys were (to me) a nightmare and she pretty much just let them get away with stuff. But looking back on it, her experiences were much better than mine. Her kids were loud and boisterous, didn’t behave brilliantly when they were out and about, were always getting in to mischief. But they never had tantrums, they made their own mistakes and she didn’t fuss about it. Now when you compare our kids they are almost identical in how they are. All well adjusted, caring, funny, smart, polite young people. It takes quite a lot of doing to mess up kids, so don’t worry about it. A lot of what we are concerned about at that age is how our children appear to others. Do what works for you and fuck anyone who has an opinion.

You got this!

It is very hard when they are small. I found that everything got much easier from 3yo.

However I would recommend trying to actively seek out joyful moments. So appreciate them when they are laughing at bath time, or cuddling into you all sleepy, or having a great time in the park.

It helps balance out the hard stuff.

I have re-read their post several times and still can’t figure out how you have come to that conclusion.

I found that stage relentless and not fun at all. All my DD wanted to do at the time was make mess and be pushed on a swing.

She's 6 now and it's so much more fun and tonnes easier. We watch films and do crafts together for example. Go for nice walks.

It's one of the reasons I haven't had another child actually. I feel like going through the toddler stage again would spoil what I have with my daughter now.

I don't know how helpful this is, but it's perhaps worth knowing you're not alone in feeling like this and shouldn't feel guilty. There's a lot of expectation on mothers to embrace parenthood and 'cherish every moment'. Everyone is different and you can be a perfectly good mother without enjoying it that much, particularly when they're younger.

Also can't tell you how unhelpful the 'im loving it' comments are e.g. @justasmallbiz . The OP is struggling, you aren't, well done you but maybe not the place?

That’s because you are comparing such a short period of time. Children grow up and become adults, so there are easier times ahead.

Some ages are harder than others. For me, past 3/4 got much better. And I had settled into the huge change of being a parent.

Well, there’s such a variation in children and the one you ‘get’ so it can’t ever really be as black and white as that. I had a super easygoing toddler and sailed through ages 0-3 but 3.5-4 he’s far more tricky, BIG emotions and angry outbursts and hopefully now just coming out the other side. You’re clearly going through a difficult time with your DC. It doesn’t mean it won’t get better.

However yeah all told the good times do still outweigh, and hand on heart always have done. I am sorry of you feel otherwise though as that really can’t be easy.

It’s because you’re just 20 months in, you’ve got to think of it as a long game. Over the course of the next 18 years you’ll have times you really enjoy and times you won’t. What I always find interesting is it’s different for everyone. I loved the newborn stage but I found the early teenage years a challenge whereas I know others who’ve found the opposite.

I feel you, my 20 month old is challenging at the moment.

I think their temperaments are all different, and some are more challenging at different ages. They can be an absolute joy at this age but equally can be incredibly hard work.

My first was a much more high needs baby, but didn't have tantrums as a toddler.

Generally I think they will get easier as they get more words and can communicate easier.

Wishing you well, you aren't doing anything wrong.

I felt like this also. It gets better.

Suggest making sure you are doing things that help you recharge (exercise, seeing friends, going for a solo walk) otherwise you will totally burn out.

Depends on the child temperament a lot I think. Everyone has their ‘favourite’ age I think, but also every age has its good and bad. Personally I really love the 2-4 sort of age as they are really turning into proper little people, their chat is hilarious, the tantrums are generally resolved a lot faster and more easily than older children’s tantrums, they are still in that really fun little kid stage.

But both of mine have been very easy, happy, adaptable toddlers, which is a big part of it. My friend has a really difficult 3yo and her experience is totally different to mine. But everything is just a phase. Shifting your mindset to not care about minor stuff helps.

I have an 18 month old. Never particularly liked children before. He is the most perfect specimen that has ever existed. I cannot explain or quantify the love. Yes it’s hard and the tantrums and “no no no” and food refusal, and wriggling when I try to change his nappy is all very annoying and tiresome, but I still think every day is worth it.