Being a parent: ‘The good days outweigh the bad’. No they don’t…

I hated that age. Like really truly hated it.

But now mine are 6 & 3. Right now my eldest is quietly doing a Lego kit she got for Christmas and I’m playing a game with DH and DD2. It’s much easier now!

Hang in there, it gets easier. On the whole I think I've mostly found the good days do outweigh the bad but my first was a challenging toddler during lockdown and I wanted to tear my hair out many a day. She's 7 now and we summited Snowdon together a few days ago and I'm really enjoying the fact she's developing into an independent person with her own interests etc. Her 3 year old brother is a stone cold hooligan, but he's pretty cute so I'll let him off.....

It also helps to be indifferent and not caring about the hard times.

My son said no about 437 times on the way home from nursery one day, he wasn't doing it to be annoying, so I chose not to be annoyed.

I felt like this around the 4-6 month mark, her sleep regression was awful and she was never a good sleeper prior so every day I was exhausted and feeling like I was moments away from her just demonically screaming over nothing as she was overtired constantly but also wouldn't sleep. I went back to work at 6 months and started to regain my sanity.

She's now 16 months so entering the same stage as your little one is currently at. Still not a great sleeper but the tantrums are more predictable, shorter and more manageable and I'm starting to enjoy parenting more. Nothing in my overall style has changed much (I'm still patient, hands on, affectionate, cuddly), I think some babies just really struggle with being babies.

I'm wondering whether you had an easier newborn so the toddler years are hitting harder? In any case, I'm sure your little one will grow out of their tantrums - little kids are constantly changing. Don't feel guilty for feeling stressed, overwhelmed and not actively enjoying being screamed at! Parenting is a lot, and it can definitely feel relentless and boring. There should be no shame in that.

Find ways to carve out time for yourself to unwind and enjoy yourself away from baby. If your DH is doing 50% of the parenting then that's a great first step (mine isn't because the baby just wants me all the time... she is breastfed and her tolerance is about 1 hour max away from me and I often feel a bit like a walking boob rather than a human 🫠🫠🫠🫠)

I'm sure you are a great parent, try not to focus on other people's rose tinted memories of dealing with small children / their filtered accounts of how they're finding dealing with their current toddlers. I guarantee most parents find it stressful and a bit of a struggle!

It’ll get better, every year is easier, the first 3 are very hard.
In my experience the good definitely outweighs the bad by a long road but it hasn’t always been easy, DD or DS didn’t walk or talk before 2.5, I constantly had them in my hip, DD was a gentle sweetheart, DS was an absolute beast, a terror, ready to punish me daily, he had severe sensory issues never stopped groaning, moaning or crying until he was 6, now DD is 16 and DS is 10, they’re mostly a pleasure.
Mostly because I like them today. 😂

I had 2 in 2 years. Dc1 was fairly standard, but dc2 nearly broke me. The tantrums and clinginess were on another level. It was an utter grind interspersed with moments of fun.

Dc are now teens. Dc2 is amazing, if a little controlling at times. But nowhere near the stroppy cow I was at her age.

The older they get the easier it becomes. It is utterly relentless in the early days! Hang on in! It will get easier.

This. It’s not lost on me that the only posters who say they found the younger years a doddle are speaking in the past tense. I’m yet to see a post like ‘I have 3 under 4 and love it! Every day is a blessing and I’m dreading them getting older’

I think people all have an age of kid that they do genuinely enjoy. Some people keep going back for more of that newborn bubble, for example, whereas I have to mentally prep myself for how hard I find it. Then there’s temperament. Some babies are so p-ed off they can’t express themselves, they’ll try to end the world at the drop of a hat. And obviously you cant reason with them so you end up losing all patience and looking like the bad guy. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says about it all, what’s important is how you feel and how you can make your time with your DC feel more positive.

It will get easier, because the tantrums ease up, they can begin to communicate properly and they can reason better etc. but that takes time and that’s an annoying thing to hear when it feels like time is standing still. Here’s my advice/thoughts for now - might feel totally useless but maybe something will help!

• skip baby groups if neither of you are enjoying them (although she might still be enjoying them from your lap!). Are you expecting her to be more social (because kids aren’t really ready to play together properly before they’re 3ish)? Do you find she’s interrupting your chance to socialise and feel a bit more normal/yourself?
• Try other activities like softplay or just go outside for a bit instead. I always found water play chilled my DCs out. I know that’s all less social than groups but that isn’t necessarily a priority at this age. Whilst you’re there, stick a podcast in your headphones or some loud angry music or an audio book (whatever will make you feel better). It can really take the edge off things when you feel like time has stood still!
• Work out what the whining/tantrums are triggered by. Do you feel like you’re staying no a lot and that’s escalating - if so, can you remove the issue (baby-proofing so it’s just not an issue) or pick your battles re some things. Try to keep no for dangerous things and not every inconvenience (because I know there are SO many at that age).
• know that mundane, relentless and exhausting are all accurate ways to describe parenting young kids. You’re not alone. Even with help, it is 24/7 and a totally change (probably) from how you lived before. It’s okay to be annoyed about your situation (as long as you’re not taking it out on your daughter!).

ultimately, your DC is still tiny and you are her safe place. So all her communication is aimed at connecting with you. I don’t say this to make you feel bad, more to be realistic about why your daughter is constantly trying to get your attention and for you to find the best version of this very trying stage - for you and for her!

20 months is the absolute pits. It will get easier, OP.

I found the toddler stage really hard, it was stressful and boring in equal measure. Both k
of mine were shit sleepers which didn't help as everything seems worse when you're tired.
Mine are 7 and 11 now and they're really good company, we have a lot of fun together but I also get time to myself. Hang in there.

Different people prefer different stages of childhood. For me, things improved a lot at 3 or 4. I did not enjoy it before then!

IME only 10% of parenting is good, or even fun.
The vast majority is dull and stressy day to day stuff.

I think perhaps you had an expectation of how a child would be, and the reality is different.

I had no expectations, having had no contact with babies at all, so I accepted ds as the norm. My ex became abusive so it has been just me & ds from the start. I organised my days around ds, didn't try to hang on to any particular standard of living or sleep pattern. Just went with the flow until ds was 2y2m.

Then he went to a childminder (cheerfully) and I went back to work full time. Single by then, I focused my evenings on ds and we lived in a little bubble of just him & me & work until he went to school at 4.

Things got gradually easier after that.

1st 30 years are the worst! 😉
Seriously, mine were better from 3 up, apart from sleeping...they could converse, play independently, dress themselves etc..I wouldn't say I ever enjoyed it but it became bearable.

Funny old life.

This site is full of people wanting to be pregnant/overjoyed that they are and people who say how crap it is being a parent!

As i held my first my brother said they just get better and better, it’s so true, i found babies a bit thankless but quite cute, i look at 3-6 year olds and think how cute, that was a lovely time, but I wouldn’t want to do it again. at approaching the teen years we have delightful kids, with very little I’d change, the last year I’ve had a level of pride in my eldest I’ve never had about myself. Most things can be defused with humour and I delight in their company. I suspect it still get a lot better over the next year and keep doing so.

The good days outweigh the hard/bad days - they do in hindsight. Less so when you're in the trenches.

You mentioned that your child is "humming" every day. I'm wondering whether that might be a possible sign of autism. Is your child acquiring language yet? Do they try to communicate with you verbally?

I have a family member who is autistic. One of the first things that stood out as different from the expected norms was a lack of speech sounds and the constant use of humming sounds. I note that the child also refuses to eat, which could also point to neurodiversity.

I must emphasise that I'm not medically qualified and these are merely my own thoughts. When I read your OP and the description of your DCs behaviour, it reminded me of what my autistic relative was like at the same age.

The good outweigh the bad through the course of their childhood. There is heavy weighting of bad days in the baby/toddler years and mid teens.

This really, personally I would do the second year over and over. Can take or leave weaning stage (the mess ! crawling baby into everything). I found 13-15 v. challenging. I think most people agree 4/5-8/9 is probably the easiest.

It's really hard work. It's why they have to be so unbelievably amazingly cute or we'd abandon them in a field 🤣

I remember the baby days, looking forward to when my DS would get easier. Still waiting 😅

@justasmallbiz didn’t say she was “loving it”

I found the 18 month - 4 years stage really hard. Yes they were super cute and I look back on the pictures now and all the wholesome things we did together and ache for them to be that age again…but I know I didn’t enjoy the reality. In fact I was quite depressed.

I think it depends on your child’s temperament. Mine all are sensitive and feel emotions very deeply. They anger easily. (All adhd it has to be said). So early years were particularly hard when their language was not good and they couldn’t communicate.

I found a big leap happened with each around the age of 6. Now 6, 8 and 10 and I’m finally enjoying life again. It sounds horrible to say it and I wouldn’t take back those early years because the glimmers in between all the shite were so beautiful. But my god I found it overwhelming

If you say you are ‘dreading every day’ that shows you are not coping and need to change something. It does get much much easier as they grow up but you need to cope now too.

What does your partner say and feel? Can you work more and let your partner look after your child more? If your child seems really different to other kids of the same age could he maybe have an issue like a speech delay that is frustrating him more? You say he doesn’t say many words - my daughter had a speech issue and it did increase frustration. Wha does nursery say about him?

I think it went in waves.

I found DS really hard at 2-3 months as kept being told bf would get better like it had with pfb - it didn't till much much later but expectation being set made it all much worse. I don't think at 20 months any of mine were sleeping though all night - not sure how normal that was but it was for them.

I found 8-10 really hard with older two - they still had tantrums - which now know were probably meltdowns as pfb been diagones with ADHD and other things - but everyone was like that the golden age range. Teen years haven't been bad - got a bit annoying with DD1 16+ but not drastically bad.

I got fed up being told I must have pnd when they were young - several moves and tired but did enjoy kids and life - but it there's really no joy at all I'd get checked out - it's likely it's just a more diffcult baby that will improve with age but it may be more and could be worth ruling out.