Husband thinks it’s ok to let children change baby’s nappy

No I think it’s completely inappropriate.

WTF?
So you are cool with this and would be okay if it was a little boy instead of a girl?🙄
There are lots of ways a child can help but cleaning and creaming gentials isn't right.

No one besides the husband is suggesting the 4 year old is enjoying rubbing the other child’s private area. He specifically said she “enjoys” applying the barrier cream.

We are concerned that a grown adult man is encouraging an unrelated child to rub the private area of a baby. The adult encouraging and normalising it is the problem. Of course the 4 year old is innocent in this, but what kind of response is: “but the child enjoys it” ?? It sounds more like he enjoys it and is doubling down on normalising a behaviour despite OP clearly being very uncomfortable with it.

Any normal man would say “if you think it’s wrong, the child can help with a different activity.” - not “no the child specifically enjoys rubbing the cream in, so I want to keep having her do that.”

This isn’t a sibling, this is a completely unrelated 4 year old child.

That’s really unhelpful language. The OP experienced abuse as a child and is checking in to understand the general view on this topic to measure against her instincts.

The 4 yo isn’t being inappropriate but the adult getting her to add the cream is. Clear safeguarding boundaries for all children are that the only people who touch your bottom are Mum/Dad or a medical professional. Blurring the boundaries isn’t really helpful.

And no teenagers don’t “need to learn how to change a nappy”.

I didn’t learn until I was pregnant- this isn’t a tricky skill, you don’t need years of practice.

This

Sounds like your husband is being lazy. It's fine to pass stuff over in the name of help, but not to rub cream. If I was the parent of the 4 year old child, I wouldn't be happy about it at all.

Thank you, I was worried I was going to get flamed here for saying the husbands stance being very weird but let’s take your first point.

Encouraging a child to touch another child’s private area is sexual abuse.
OP’s husband is not only actively doing this but is defending the stance by saying the children involved enjoy this activity. Is he stood by watching this happen?
Again, why would he defend and need this to keep happening? Why is he trying to normalise this to you, OP?

Alarm bells should be ringing loudly.

It’s not about the 4 year old being sexually motivated, it’s about them not learning boundaries that will keep themselves and others safe.

Anyone who thinks a 4 year old is somehow being inappropriate and sexually motivated by changing a babies nappy really needs their head examined

I would be closing supervising a teenage boy but even they need to learn how to do such things

It’s not about whether or not it’s innocent. It’s a four year old and a baby, of course it’s innocent! It’s more about setting out what’s right and wrong from the off.

In this situation you’d be giving the message to the four year old that it’s okay to touch someone’s genitals. You don’t know if in four years time the creepy man next door might ask her to do the same to him, and she’ll think “This is okay because I know mum and dad think it’s okay for me to rub cream on other people’s bits”.

Small children don’t understand the nuances. And I also feel the need to point out that the person who is the highest risk of sexually abusing a child is a sibling. It is five times more common than abuse by fathers/stepfathers. A lot of people don’t know that, and it isn’t talked about because it’s horrific to even contemplate but parents should be aware.

Ah. I am changing my mind. I assumed the 4 year old was a sibling. I wouldn’t be happy if they weren’t.

My thoughts exactly. It’s very odd wording from a man and I would be massively concerned. Always err on the side of caution with children - always.

Sibling would be fine but not an unrelated child. Helping doesn’t need to involve touching.

Your husband needs to be told, with respect, he doesn’t understand the situation. He has no frame of reference here. It’s more important that children are taught private areas are private.

I would go one step further and say I find it strange that your husband’s defence of the situation is “but she likes it.” What?? The 4 year old “likes” rubbing barrier cream on the baby’s private areas? Or the baby likes the cream being rubbed?

Why is your DH encouraging this young child to do this activity? It’s fucking weird. Sayin “but she likes doing it” is fucking weird. Surely if you say you’re not comfortable with it he could just say “well it makes absolutely no difference to me as long as a nappy is changed.”
Why does he specifically defend it as something that needs to happen??

I wouldn’t be happy with this for a number of reasons

• a young child is being encouraged to touch the private areas of another child (this is sexual abuse)
• the child who is doing this to your baby is not learning boundaries. What happens when they try this with another friends baby? Or in nursery? This would be raised as a safeguarding concern if 4 year old shares what has been happening
• This could be grooming behaviour, would a 4 year old know the difference between playing babies with a baby and playing babies with an adult?
• For your child they will learn that it is okay for anyone to touch their private areas, and it’s not, you are right to be saying this shouldn’t happen

That is weird as hell.
Your baby is not a doll to be played with.

Sounds crazy ! DS1 "helped" give a bottle and feeding (with me next to him) but I would never have involved him in changing his brother's diaper. That's for grown ups.

I think it's innocent but I understand your concerns, especially with your experience and the fact it's not even a sibling but a friend's child makes it worse for me. I think you're right about clear boundaries from the outset, the 4 year old is either in reception or will be this year and will be taught the PANTS rule about private body parts, so I don't think YABU but I also understand why your husband didn't think about it as deeply.

YANBU Op. So an unrelated child rubbed barrier cream on your baby’s private parts using her hand? This is quite different from using wet wipes or helping to stick a nappy closed imo. Very weird that your husband would suggest she do this. Your baby is not a doll. Would previous posters be ok if it was a boy doing this? I suspect not.

Male view here if It makes a difference

I don’t think he’s done anything unreasonable, and the kid is clearly entirely innocent and just wants to feel responsible

but of course you’re entitled to say you’re not comfortable with it and your husband has to respect that

I agree op. I’d allow older siblings to ‘help’ with nappy changing but getting the sudacrem on is quite intimate, sensitive and specific - that’s an adult job. I think your DH’s approach is quite a concern and I’d certainly be interrogating him more about what he means by ‘she enjoys it’.

I’m a great believer in children, under close supervision, doing adult “jobs”. So, if that supervision is in place, I wouldn’t have an issue with this.

Sounds a bit weird tbh, h sounds a little bit pervy in his response and there was no way that my kids helped changed nappies of their younger siblings in this way.

Nope, I wouldn't be comfortable with that unless (maybe) it's a young sibling. And even then I'd only be comfortable with them touching the skin to do up the nappy. Touching the genital area? No.

There's lots that a young child can do to help with nappy changing without touching the genitals of another child.

What is the relationship @Anonymous236864 seems to me that this is a sister/step sister? We need context.

And I changed, bathed, cared for plenty of babies as a child, I loved helping out.