Husband thinks it’s ok to let children change baby’s nappy

Fetching things and maybe positioning and doing up the nappy I would think fine. Doing actual cleaning or creaming no.

I think we are also looking at this from the babies perspective only. What is your husbands motivation in encouraging the 4 year old to do this activity, is he trying to normalise the touching of private areas? Is he teaching trust with her now - because honestly in the cold light of day, this is how it looks.

helping change a nappy, absolutely. Encouraging a 4 year old to rub cream into a babies private areas whilst he watches, and then defends it saying ‘she likes it’ absolutely not.

OP think of this as if someone else explained their husband had done this to their own baby. Even without your own history of abuse, anyone would see this as a huge red flag and immediately be concerned as to the man’s motivation. Surely the 4 year olds mum can not be happy with this happening and especially not with the explanation ‘she enjoys it’. Not to put too fine a point on it, paedophiles truly believe the child enjoys the abuse and want to take part, so him saying ‘she enjoys it’ would be hugely concerning for me

Why does it make a difference? Do you know the rates of sibling abuse?

Nope, no difference. You’re being just as dense as any female who thinks it’s ok to teach a four year old that there are no boundaries in touching genitals.

Obviously the kid is entirely innocent. That doesn’t even need to be said. It’s the husband who is the issue here, not the child.

It depends who the 4 year old is. Is she the babies sibling or relative?

Would the child’s parents be happy with this? Do they even know about this? Kids want to help I understand but it’s someone else’s child so it’s not his decision to make on whether it’s appropriate or not

I’d imagine that a 4 year old sibling would enjoy helping.

My elder sister, 10 when my younger sister was born, used to change nappies by herself.

I don’t think I’d want any children but siblings helping, unless it was e.g. fetching a nappy.

If it was my 4 year old I would be angry and also would never leave them in your care or alone with your husband ever again.

child of a friend, I think no.

At best, your husband is a fucking idiot and completely unable to see the potential consequences of his actions in the future. Boundaries around touching genitals are there to be learnt and enforced. Not broken down and trampled on because he feels like playing teacher. If she wants to help (and I completely understand why it would be fun for her to do so, like having a real life doll) then she passes a nappy, fetches a nappy bag etc. What she doesn’t do is get taught that it’s ok to touch the genitals of another child. What happens if she then decides to play grown ups with a smaller child and remembers that changing nappies was fun, and it must be allowed and ok to do because uncle Anonymous let her do it with his baby?

The whole thing of whether it’s a sibling or an unrelated child is completely irrelevant. Siblings may well see each other naked growing up. There’s a huge, huge difference between seeing each other naked and thinking that touching someone else’s genitals is ok. Siblings can and do abuse siblings.

That’s not what OP is worried about though

Sibling or family friend I’m sure OPs concerns would be the same

Male view here if It makes a difference

Nope. It doesn't. At all.

This. Baby won't remember or care who changed their nappy.

This op. It isnt normal. It isnt ok. And instead of listening to you he is arguing about it.

Also, as relevant wider context, did you have extensive therapy after being abused?

I think a sibling/step sibling doing this under supervision is ok, but not a random parade of kids.
I remember helping to change my little brother’s nappy, I would have been 6, I loved helping to look after him.

However if it’s a boundary you want to enforce especially given your history I think it’s fine and your DH should support you in that.

You could compromise by letting the other DC help by fetching things or keeping baby entertained while you do the actual nappy changing.

OP, this is seriously concerning from your husband.

He is encouraging a child to touch the private parts of another child and explaining that ‘she enjoys it’
I would be exceptionally concerned around his own motivation here, him watching this activity whilst encouraging it is seriously sinister.

It sounds like HE is enjoying it as he is defending it in order for it to happen again. This needs seriously looking in to

Why would a friend’s child help with a nappy? Will your DH invite them to wipe your child’s bum when they start using a potty/toilet?

A sibling is a bit different but none of my kids wiped or rubbed cream on their younger siblings’ bottoms. A parent, GP or carer did.

Add to that your history of abuse, IMHO, your DH is being v insensitive.

Your DH needs to have safeguarding explained to him. It's not just that the 4 year old is learning it is ok to touch someone else's private parts, they are also learning it is ok for anyone to touch their own private parts.
And 'liking it' is a red flag. DC are (in some schools) learning that they should object to uncomfortable touching but also learning that pleasure is a good thing. This is a major safe-guarding matter all by itself. Doing something because 'you like it' doesn't mean it is ok. Your DH is missing this.
Does he know that you were abused? If not this may need counselling with both of you.
Congrats on DD.

This.

No that’s not on. Your baby is not a doll. And the girl will be receiving mixed messages regarding boundaries and appropriate touching of other people’s bodies.

By comparison, I have a just turned 5 DD and a 4mo DD. The elder sometimes like to help with changing the baby’s nappy. I ask her to fetch me things, to hold the baby’s hand, maybe do one nappy tab, and then she can may help with doing up a popper or two after. I may let her help me with moisturising baby after a bath, gently on one arm or leg. This is within context of a very loving sibling relationship under close supervision of their mother.

It’s also about the baby learning it’s normal for other people outside immediate family being able to touch their genitals.

What about when they’re 5 and the 13 year old next door wants to rub cream on their genitals. Doesn’t seem as weird when mum and dad’s friend’s kid did it to you for years, while your dad knew about it - almost seems normal and not worth telling your parents about because they know this sort of thing happens anyway.

I was team “of course this is fine” when I thought it was a sibling.

I’m now team “this is really weird”.

BUT I do know some people who spend so much time with their friends that they are like siblings, so I might be persuaded in that case. But I’m not that close to any of my friends children that this would be okay

Inappropriate.
Is your husband a lazy arse or just plain dim?
No your baby is not a doll for a 4 year old to play with.
I would get the pure Ick having to explain such basic shit to another adult.

What do the 4 yos parents think about it? Because I’d have been appalled and wouldnt have allowed it.