Husband thinks it’s ok to let children change baby’s nappy

Of course this isn’t appropriate or safe behaviour to encourage. Don’t doubt yourself.
Fetching a nappy or the bum cream is all very well, but gentians stay out of sight of anyone other than very close family.

Yeah, I’m absolutely with you. It’s natural for kids to be interested and have a look - even help care for the baby like passing wipes and nappies etc, but no, they shouldn’t be touching, and especially not encouraged to touch. It just doesn’t send the right message about boundaries. YANBU.

Editing to add, I do find a man encouraging a child to intimately touch another child a bit creepy, sorry. I’m sure it’s fine, but it’s just best to be super alert to these things.

You need to have a conversation with your husband about why you feel this way. He is being insensitive and needs to back off.

Allowing and showing a child how to care for a baby is in no way going to send a message to that child that it's ok for someone to touch her own private parts. The only message she will receive is that babies need caring people to look after them.

To whoever said “this is why men don’t know how to change nappies”, no.

Men don’t know how to change nappies because they are too avoidant or lazy to find out. It’s not rocket science. If he can get himself dressed, he can change a nappy.

Making excuses for grown-ass men “not knowing” how to do something enables their learned incompetence. I can guarantee you those very men all have phones they invariably spend hours in the loo with as they avoid the grunt work of having a family. Instead of ogling influencers on SM or catching up on the football they could actually google “how do you change a nappy”, but they don’t. They never notice the baby needs changed then they take ages to get off their arses to do it when they’re told they need changing then they’ll do a bad job so it just becomes easier and more beneficial for the baby for someone else to do it.

If you’re having a child, woman the f*ck up and learn how to look after it. Don’t blame mummy for never having taught you how to do it (cause I guarantee dad won’t have done it and won’t get the blame for his oversight).

You’re right OP, and your husband is seriously weird. “She likes it” is creepy.

Encouraging small children (especially unrelated) to touch each other’s genitals is weird and inappropriate.

How would your friend feel that your husband has been getting her four year old child to rub cream on a baby’s bare buttocks and genitalia?

How will your baby feel when she’s older, knowing that unrelated children only a couple of years older than her have seen her naked, touched her private parts and helped change her nappy? Violated and embarrassed.

And this is the best case scenario, if your husband’s just a weird idiot rather than a groomer deliberately trying to erode the boundaries of the little girl and your baby.

All else aside if I'm trying to get on & get something done I can't be bothered to pander to other people's kids just because "they like it".

I would agree with you that I'd move to another room if possible. Apart from the privacy point of view, other people might not want to see the contents of a dirty nappy. I don't think you or I are unusual to think like this. My SIL, however, took any chance to take off her eldest son's nappy and leave him bare. I remember once he was about 18 months and she changed him in the living room while a few people were present and just left him running round with no pants on. She kept saying it was good for him. She also turned every nappy change into a public performance if she could. I thought it was really weird behaviour.

Knowing who the child is makes the difference. YANBU.

I don’t think I’d let even a sibling put barrier cream on but would let them help wipe. Other children, whether that be cousins, friends, friends children, no. Definitely not.

She definitely wiped bums! I don’t remember her doing anything with cream though. And there was definitely nothing sexually motivated. She was 6 when her first brother was born - at that age she just passed me the wipes / clean nappy / change of clothes (and laughed hysterically at his willy). My husband certainly wasn’t encouraging her to smear cream on it though!

I had never changed a nappy till I had my own child. It's easy to learn!

Your DH is being so unreasonable.
It's absolutely not okay.

Worst case scenario makes is that he encouraged the four year old to touch your baby for his own reasons.
I am not sure how he can be so unaware of how inappropriate it is.

If he wasn't aware and then was pulled up on it by you, a normal response would be "Oh shit I didn't think about that." Instead he's said you are overreacting.

You aren't. I'm a teacher and we teach from a very young age the pants rule and watch the NSPCC Pantosaurus video. And talk about nobody being able to touch you there.

You’re absolutely right

This.

He enjoys it. He is the one who enjoys watching one child rub the genitals of another child.

Eurgh!

Like other pps who can see that this is sexually motivated by the adult, I also was sexually abused as a child. Sadly, this gives us a much clearer perspective on what is abuse.

Hear, hear I totally agree
Have read what's being said so far and if it were me I'd not let it happen
Neighbour had a 5 year old son who 'helped' when she then had baby daughter
Made me cringe and I said so
Lost her friendship, 40 years on
She's gained problem son from what I've heard on grapevine

I agree with this. The whole post has such sinister vibes. I also agree that it sounds like he could be grooming the 4 year old in question as suggested by pp

It's been a long time since I changed a baby's nappy, but iirc, the smell of green poo (is that still a thing with modern baby food?) is enough to make an adult almost gag.

Under what circumstances would a 4yo enjoy this?

Idk if laziness or something more sinister, but I would be waiting til he is not around to check all his devices.

I imagined a scenario in which a baby staying at a friend's house is touched on the genitals by a friend's 4yo and how I would react - I would hit the roof. Why is it any more acceptable because it's done with adult supervision? Imagine how a school teacher would react if they saw that behaviour because it is "allowed" at home.

If a teacher wouldn't like it / would be tempted to call social services, then it certainly shouldn't be happening in your home, OP.

Reading comprehension, sweet. I literally said I'd do the cream myself.

I saw, but fuck not being direct when we're talking about a paedophile and child sexual abuse...

I was trying to be gentle when I brought this in earlier but I want to highlight this is exactly what I was getting at.

I echo what’s been said, please call and report this behaviour and get professional advice. It isn’t normal. It’s very upsetting.

I absolutely agree with this, with the added probability he is grooming the 4 year old.

OP I know you don’t want to think this but you have to safeguard both of these children now. He is gaslighting you to ensure you don’t question him.

I would refuse to let him provide any form of intimate care as he does not seem to be a safe person

For me personally, nappy changes should be done by an adult. An older sibling can help pass wipes, nappy bags or stick the nappy into place. The cleaning, applying cream and positioning baby into the nappy etc is an adult only responsibility. This child isn't a sibling, at most she shouldn't be doing anything more than passing wipes. A 4 year old shouldn't be applying cream on a baby's private area. It's not appropriate at all, and if the 4 year old disclosed this at nursery, preschool or school it would be flagged as a safeguarding issue.

No. You're not being unreasonable.

I find it quite concerning that he is prioritising what a friend's 4 year old "likes" over your boundaries with your own child.

OP - it sounds like your husband is a paedophile - sorry to say. I suffered CSA too and that was my 1st thought after reading your post. You now have the majority of people hinting at what I've directly said. Your Husband was getting a thrill at having the power to direct a child to intimately touch another, possibly more so by doing it so openly. If he was my husband he'd be out the door and I'd be reporting to NSPCC or SS.

I agree with this. I was abused by an older sibling. It’s important you teach the children that their private parts are only to be touched when necessary by the care giver. Private parts are not to be played with because it automatically generates sexual feelings when done in a certain way. Yes children feel these things regardless of puberty.