Husband thinks it’s ok to let children change baby’s nappy

Thank you.

If you'd read my previous post you'd see I totally got it and was in agreement with the OP. This was in reply to someone suggesting that not letting children especially male children take part in nappy changing would result in incompetent fathers. So I'd save your incensed reply for those who think it's ok for children to touch other children's genitals

YANBU. It's just unnecessary private parts touching for both children. Adults shouldn't be encouraging children to touch each other's privates, even if there is a valid reason like a nappy change. Adults look after babies, not other children.

I think you’ve completely misunderstood that post.

I am pretty sure this was in response to someone suggesting letting little boys get involved with nappy changing is a good way to ensure men learn how to do nappies.

Their point was that men can learn as adults when they have babies, just like many women learn.

And if someone wants little boys (or girls) to learn they should buy a doll for them to practice on.

Just to be clear; he instructed a friend's child to touch your daughter's vulva and said it was fine because she liked it.

Think about that for a while.

Oh OP there's so many red flags here, I think you need to be wary of your DH. If an unrelated male encouraged my 4 year old daughter to do this I'd go mental tbh. 🤷‍♀️ She'll be learning the pants rule at school soon and may well mention this to a teacher or parent. I'd not let your DH supervise the children in any way. Even if there is nothing sinister, his judgement and boundaries are way off.

I have 4 kids, one girl and three boys. I never wanted any of my children to change the younger ones. Sometimes, they’d “assist” by passing me things (if they wanted to) and I’d explain that we had to keep baby clean and dry and tell them what I was doing etc., but that’d be about it.
Tell him that that’s the maximum extent of involvement you want from the 4 yr old. Don’t make it weird, but I do tend to agree. It’s a bit much letting her put barrier cream on or actually touching the baby, regardless of how innocent that is. If she wants to be included to that extent (and I can’t see why she would of her own accord), get her a baby doll and some preemie nappies and let her change “her baby” at the same time the real baby is being changed!

Sums it up.

A sibling passing a nappy, sealing the tabs etc, fine. But not an unrelated child rubbing cream.

Maybe it was a one-off, not really thinking moment. But it shouldn’t happen again.

Omg.
I literally don't think I've ever been so incensed by people JUST NOT GETTING IT on this site.
No one is saying there's a issue with 'normal' MALE RELATIVES changing a baby's nappy! It's THIS MAN, encouraging a non-related child, to rub cream on a baby's genitals - that is raising the huge red flag to the MAJORITY OF US!!

This is a red flag. He initiated it, then minimised it, then got defensive. I would be very concerned. I think it’s him that enjoys it.

My husband learnt how to change nappies when he had a child, the same as I did. If people are that concerned about boys not being allowed to change nappies growing into incompetent men, buy them a doll.

You meant to say that all the women agreeing that the OP is right to set boundaries in order to safeguard her child (and others that visit) are having emotional outbursts because of our reproductive organs? 🤨

Wow. We can even synchronise our cycles over the internet these days!

@bigboykitty I honestly wouldn't care because I don't have testicles. And yes I'm aware hysteria is a gendered word and that is exactly the context that I meant when I used it

When people who clearly have more knowledge and awareness than you are expressing valid concerns, that's not hysteria. Would you like it if I said don't go getting your testicles in a twist Bruce?

While I appreciate you don’t want to upset the OP, it would be more harmful to overlook problematic behaviour.

If it is innocent, it is still problematic for the children to think it’s ok to touch other people’s privates/have other people touch theirs.

So all he has to do is stop encouraging children to touch each other’s privates and there won’t be a problem will there?

I honestly think the hysteria on this thread is too much and is making me very uncomfortable. OP is a survivor of CSA, she is now being told that her partner is a paedophile. No proof only reading into a situation that could also be innocently explained. That's not what she was suggesting and this thread is going to cause her great harm.

Aside from safe guiding I would not trust a 4 year old to accurately apply nappy cream could over do it in the wrong places

I changed my cousins nappies when I was 8 but that was 30 years ago and I wasn’t instructed to do so by a male family member. It’s the rubbing part of this story I don’t like and his response to it, I’ll be honest.

In general I don’t have a view about older kids who are relatives pitching in with babies but I grew up with a large extended family and that’s just how we rolled.

Doesn't sound like you get 'the point' of any of this! NO-ONE is saying any child is wanting to act inappropriately themselves like some kind of sexual deviant - it's the adult man encouraging the inappropriate touching we're concerned about!!

u could check his phone

No one is suggesting any ulterior motive from the 4 year old. The grown, unrelated, man who instructing her to do this, is in my opinion grooming her. Why didn’t he select the ‘go and fetch rhe wipes and nappies’ or the ‘play with her rattle while I change her’ or even asking her to help fasten the nappy.

But no, he’s selected the ‘rubbing in the cream’ activity. And then defending this when questioned.

He is grooming her to accept this to be a normal activity they do together. Much like tickling or a ‘game’

There is absolutely nothing innocent about this, other than the 4 year old who just wants to help

They enjoy helping and caring for the baby

So what?

Doesn't mean that they have to be allowed to do it!

You clearly no nothing about Safeguarding.

I don't get the point that the 4 yr old will learn that it's ok for older children to touch privates. This is a massive stretch. A 4 yr old is well aware that a baby is a baby and they don't associate the expectations of themselves with what is norm for a baby. They know a baby cannot toilet themselves and needs a nappy changed, that's a million miles off from an adult or older child asking to or trying to touch them. Honestly I think its a bit of a false narrative to say you are not comfortable for this reason, if there are other reasons you need to acknowledge them.

i also think PPs are reading way too much into Dh saying the kid enjoys it. They enjoy helping and caring for the baby not they enjoy touching the privates, entirely different things. 4 yr olds particularly girls play with dolls all the time, often pretend rubbing cream putting on powder, it's normal that a child who enjoys this with a plastic doll would enjoy this more with a real baby. To suggest an alternative would be to imply little girls who like changing dolls nappies are doing so in a somewhat sinister way, and parents who buy dolls and watch them play like this are somehow involved in grooming.

Hell no YANBU.

And I also find your husband’s behaviour creepy.