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Original poster

BF didn’t text me happy new year..

185 replies

mixednuts7 · 01/01/2026 04:45

Will try to keep this short. Been with a guy for 16/17 months.. going really well, we are very close emotionally normally, in love, shared lots with each other. Physical side of relationship is incredible, both in our 40s, divorced with kids. We are safe spaces for each other. We see each other every other weekend and a couple times throughout the week, always at least once, and always text constantly throughout the day.

He’s been having a few mental health issues lately that I’ve been very supportive with, going to his place more rather than he comes to me etc as he struggles at times with anxiety. We couldn’t be together on nye as he was going out locally with friends (I was invited) but I had my kids at home. He was let down by his mates re evening arrangements and was upset earlier in the evening, understandably so, so I talked with him about it to be supportive. He has avoidant tendencies so tends to shut down a bit when he feels like he’s struggling, so I offered help/chat and company, but he said no and that he was just going to bed. I was alone at my house with the kids, who were floating about, but online gaming with friends so I was feeling lonely too; it’s been a rough year for the three of us since divorcing my abusive ex. I asked to ring him but he declined saying his head wasn’t in the right space and that he’d prob just go to bed.

Later in the evening BF texts me to say he’s going out afterall. I texted to say I’d like to speak to him before the new year hit to say hi but he said it was too loud at the venue. Ok fine. I wasn’t going to ask him to call yet again though, or else it looked like I was being needy. I was feeling lonely though and struggling with it a little. Anyway.. midnight came. No text, no call, nothing. Until 3am when I got a message just saying “HNY. Sorry. “

I’ve been upset. Feels like I’m just an afterthought, when our relationship has always been close. We’ve both been badly hurt by narc cheating exes and align on so many values and morals. Yes he struggles with anxiety and hates speaking on the phone, always has. But it takes nothing to send a text.

A male friend said he was just busy anmd drinking with mates and that it probably slipped his mind and that I shouldn’t react strongly. His wife said sod that, he should have texted and I need to reevaluate.

What are your guys opinions? What would you do? Big deal or not a big deal?

I’m upset and dont want to speak to him tomorrow morning. I have written a text reply telling him why I feel gutted but haven’t sent it yet. Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
mixednuts7 · 01/01/2026 07:54

101trees · 01/01/2026 07:48

I don't think you're needy. I think when you've got divorced and have kids you spend a lot of time and energy propping up other people and absorb a lot of their emotional struggles - as you should when they're your kids.

But adults also need someone to support them sometimes too. My DH does for me when I've got issues around my ex, I appreciate that I've got my DH to support me in these times. It's not some massive deal, he just gives me a hug and listens - I feel like it brings me back and reminds me I've got a lot to be grateful for.

I think last night is probably not a situation to test whether or not your boyfriend is up to the job if he was out already when you told him you needed support.

I think if what you need is a relationship with someone who Will show up for you when you need support, then you should sit your bf down when he's over his hangover and explain that, don't mention last night as he'll feel attacked and blamed, just tell him what you do need now, today.

If he can't get over himself to give it to you, then he doesn't have what you need at the moment, but give him a fair shot at understanding and being able to provide it.

But if you break it down, it's pretty simple. Identify what you need from him, then tell him, be really clear. If he's not up for it then you're not what each other need at the moment.

It is possible he can't provide it if he's too up in his own head, in which case you really are on a hiding to nowhere. Don't carry that on.

Thanks, that’s all good advice. And a lot more emotionally intelligent than the “no wonder he has MH issues with you as his gf” comments. It isn’t about NYE, it’s about reciprocal support, I just probably worded the original thread badly. I think the thing about being clear is an important point, it’s easy to assume people know what’s running through minds I guess

OP posts:
MrsDoubtingMyself · 01/01/2026 07:54

mixednuts7 · 01/01/2026 07:47

Think you hit the nail on the head.. we are close but I tend to not talk about my own issues and things I need support with, because he struggles with his issues. So I don’t want to put anything on his plate so to speak. So I think when I broke a little last night and needed something from him, not getting even a text or quick call was hard. But yeah I think there’s a deeper picture here and I need to make sure I’m meeting my own needs first so I’m not quite so spent constantly

Show quote history

I agree with you

Put you first

Stop giving so much to him. Give to you instead

And if you continue to feel that he takes too much , rethink the relationship

Maybe take a break or end it

I'd suggest couples counselling but I'm pretty sure Mr Taker wouldn't be interested

needtoforget · 01/01/2026 07:53

it seems you have started your relationship pretty much immediately after your divorce. Are you sure you are ready for this intense relationship with someone with MH issues, when you are just out of an abusive marriage? Tbh it sounds like some time alone without attending to any man’s needs would be in order.

JMSA · 01/01/2026 07:53

Sorry, you’re unreasonable. This is much too needy.

Jk987 · 01/01/2026 07:50

He probably thought you were in bed. Why would you ask to phone him if he hates phone conversations?
You feeling lonely and relying on one person to fix that is the problem. You could have done something fun with your lovely children instead of waiting by the phone for a text!

101trees · 01/01/2026 07:48

I don't think you're needy. I think when you've got divorced and have kids you spend a lot of time and energy propping up other people and absorb a lot of their emotional struggles - as you should when they're your kids.

But adults also need someone to support them sometimes too. My DH does for me when I've got issues around my ex, I appreciate that I've got my DH to support me in these times. It's not some massive deal, he just gives me a hug and listens - I feel like it brings me back and reminds me I've got a lot to be grateful for.

I think last night is probably not a situation to test whether or not your boyfriend is up to the job if he was out already when you told him you needed support.

I think if what you need is a relationship with someone who Will show up for you when you need support, then you should sit your bf down when he's over his hangover and explain that, don't mention last night as he'll feel attacked and blamed, just tell him what you do need now, today.

If he can't get over himself to give it to you, then he doesn't have what you need at the moment, but give him a fair shot at understanding and being able to provide it.

But if you break it down, it's pretty simple. Identify what you need from him, then tell him, be really clear. If he's not up for it then you're not what each other need at the moment.

It is possible he can't provide it if he's too up in his own head, in which case you really are on a hiding to nowhere. Don't carry that on.

Original poster
mixednuts7 · 01/01/2026 07:47

MrsDoubtingMyself · 01/01/2026 07:35

I'm a bit unclear. In your op you say that you're both in love and are your safe spaces for each other

You then say that you feel that you are more involved with helping him with his MH than he is with YOU and your MH

I think that for you, this issue with the HNY message is actually about the fact that you feel unappreciated and unsupported generally in the relationship and you feel that you give way more than he does

Concentrate on sorting out how you are treated in the relationship rather than fixating on the HNY message

Think you hit the nail on the head.. we are close but I tend to not talk about my own issues and things I need support with, because he struggles with his issues. So I don’t want to put anything on his plate so to speak. So I think when I broke a little last night and needed something from him, not getting even a text or quick call was hard. But yeah I think there’s a deeper picture here and I need to make sure I’m meeting my own needs first so I’m not quite so spent constantly

OP posts:
Carodebalo · 01/01/2026 07:44

You are not unreasonable. It’s not about NYE but about helping him out so much, and not getting much back when you for once, ask for something. I’d reevaluate, seriously. You have come out of an abusive relationship and walked into a new relationship with an emotionally needy man, who won’t reciprocate help when needed. I wonder, what is the upside, for you, in this relationship? I would never want someone else’s emotional mess so early in a relationship (would be different after a long marriage … but I’d never choose all that shit when starting over …) All the best for the New Year, OP.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 01/01/2026 07:43

With kindness, yes I think you’re overreacting. He doesn’t have the capacity to give back to you what you have been giving to him at the moment. Otherwise, your relationship sounds pretty good. I sometimes expect people to be mind readers and hope they will behave in the same way I would. When they don’t I’m disappointed. Direct communication when you see each other is the best way fwd from this.

Cons text messages will further add to his anxiety and drive a wedge. My advice would be to text him less throughout a normal day. Most men would find this irritating.

He did message you though. What time did you message him?

Happy NY to you.x

Iocanepowder · 01/01/2026 07:35

mixednuts7 · 01/01/2026 07:33

That’s what I’ve just explained in my reply. It wasn’t about nye so much as me asking for support for once and getting nothing. It just that it being nye compounded things somewhat

Show quote history

It’s quite possible it was nothing personal against you.

He was feeling down and needed some space to reset before then going out again.

I often find i need some time to calm down by myself without people needing my attention and then i feel better.

Please work on your self esteem. You sound like someone 20+ years younger than your age.

MrsDoubtingMyself · 01/01/2026 07:35

I'm a bit unclear. In your op you say that you're both in love and are your safe spaces for each other

You then say that you feel that you are more involved with helping him with his MH than he is with YOU and your MH

I think that for you, this issue with the HNY message is actually about the fact that you feel unappreciated and unsupported generally in the relationship and you feel that you give way more than he does

Concentrate on sorting out how you are treated in the relationship rather than fixating on the HNY message

Original poster
mixednuts7 · 01/01/2026 07:33

Iocanepowder · 01/01/2026 07:30

You also sound like you have self esteem issues to work on op.

At no point has it ever occurred to me that someone wants a CALL at midnight on NYE. Text maybe, not call.

Many people also now text HNY earlier or later than midnight. Does it not make sense he was celebrating with friends?

That’s what I’ve just explained in my reply. It wasn’t about nye so much as me asking for support for once and getting nothing. It just that it being nye compounded things somewhat

OP posts:
SALaw · 01/01/2026 07:31

You both sound like hard work.

Sillyoldgit62 · 01/01/2026 07:31

Blimey 😦 my wife and I have been in all evening watching television,Jules,fireworks ect and neither of us said happy new year ! Also my son is here and we/he didn’t say it either.I have 4 children 11 grandchildren and haven’t wait it to then either.A complete non event.Get a grip.By the way we all like each other and have been together 42 years.I can’t remember the last time we said such a silly thing.Do you say happy Monday,Tuesday ect 🤪

Iocanepowder · 01/01/2026 07:30

You also sound like you have self esteem issues to work on op.

At no point has it ever occurred to me that someone wants a CALL at midnight on NYE. Text maybe, not call.

Many people also now text HNY earlier or later than midnight. Does it not make sense he was celebrating with friends?

Original poster
mixednuts7 · 01/01/2026 07:29

feathermucker · 01/01/2026 07:25

Did you say Happy New Year to him?! He’s not a mind reader and sounds like he didn’t know your expectations regarding needing support or expecting contact.

Doesn’t sound like he’s giving you what you need at the moment but with the specific issue about him my saying HNY on time, I think you’re being unreasonable.

Yeah I did. I asked him earlier if we could speak briefly before new year, and for once I asked for a bit of support from him, but he wasn’t in a place to give it. I think it was more that I’ve constantly had to be the strong one. In my marriage, in the divorce, for the kids, and now here (which I don’t begrudge him), and I asked for one thing and didn’t get it when he knew I was down. That was the bit that felt hard. Not that it was nye. Just that I was struggling. Could have been any night of the year tbh

OP posts:
feathermucker · 01/01/2026 07:25

Did you say Happy New Year to him?! He’s not a mind reader and sounds like he didn’t know your expectations regarding needing support or expecting contact.

Doesn’t sound like he’s giving you what you need at the moment but with the specific issue about him my saying HNY on time, I think you’re being unreasonable.

gggrrrargh · 01/01/2026 07:22

Don’t send the text. Don’t start 2026 on a bad foot!

my tuppance.. I think try to clear this one from your mind. You were feeling low and needed someone - that’s ok, it happens and that’s not the problem, but tonight wasn’t going to be the night he could provide that support as he was out with other people. He had his own highs and lows too - nowadays it is really painful how last minute people cancel plans. That might have impacted he was more in the moment of where he was than having his head back home when it did go ahead.

LottieMary · 01/01/2026 07:21

Who are these friends
you asking at 445!!
you’re overthinking. ‘Don’t want to seem needy’
but you are in need of reassurance. Accept it and either show it or work on it. Don’t play games about it

RichPetuniaAgain · 01/01/2026 07:19

Hi OP, please don’t send your text. There’s not a problem with your boyfriend having a delayed response to your text - it’s New Year! It’s all a bit dramarama and there really doesn’t need to be any. You are risking pushing him away and it sounds as though you really don’t want to do that.
Breathe. Clear your thoughts and try to have a happy day.

user1473878824 · 01/01/2026 07:18

OP I only think you’re being unreasonable for staying with him. You’re a grown woman with three children and your own life. Why are you doing all of this shit for a bloke who can’t even text you at midnight? You’re there for him constantly and he can’t even wish you a happy new year. Fuck him off.

Original poster
mixednuts7 · 01/01/2026 07:18

Climbinghigher · 01/01/2026 07:17

That’s harsh. She only wanted to be remembered once. Sounds like she is expected to do a lot of thinking about him.

OP - mental health issues can make people very self centred and inward looking. Have a think whether you want to be in a relationship where you are only allowed to be the strong one. It sounds like you have been through a lot in a previous relationship and you may do better learning to be happy alone before getting together with someone else.

Show quote history

Thanks. Yeah I probably do

OP posts:
Original poster
mixednuts7 · 01/01/2026 07:17

JillyGiraffe · 01/01/2026 07:09

It doesn’t seem this has much to do with the text message. I think you should use all of the time and energy you give for his MH issues on your own. It sounds like you’ve been incredibly kind and supportive and it isn’t being reciprocated - you’re building him up at the detriment of yourself. Make 2026 about you! And your children of course.

Edited
Show quote history

Thanks. This is one of the few messages on this thread who seem to get the situation. It wasn’t about the text, it was more about him knowing I was struggling for once and doing nothing to reach out. It wasn’t a teenage drama. The stuff I’ve helped him through this year has certainly not been lightweight and the shit I came through to get out of my marriage certainly doesn’t make me fragile. But agree I maybe need to reassess my role in the relationship.

OP posts:
Climbinghigher · 01/01/2026 07:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

That’s harsh. She only wanted to be remembered once. Sounds like she is expected to do a lot of thinking about him.

OP - mental health issues can make people very self centred and inward looking. Have a think whether you want to be in a relationship where you are only allowed to be the strong one. It sounds like you have been through a lot in a previous relationship and you may do better learning to be happy alone before getting together with someone else.

Makemeanonymous · 01/01/2026 07:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

It's one thing to sympathise with her bf and his mental health issues. But sticking the boot into OP isn't really necessary when she is also not in a good place.