BF didn’t text me happy new year..

I agree with all the PPs and your own comments about needing reciprocal support in a relationship, and clearly you’re realising it’s not actually about the HNY text. But I did also note you said you hadn’t especially communicated to him that you yourself were feeling in need of support and that you tend to ‘power through’. You have absolutely got to find a way to communicate YOUR needs to anyone you’re in a relationship with. I’m not defending your BF as such, but (especially when you’re not physically together) he will only know what you choose to tell him.

Is it really about one text, you want to start a fight over not texting while he is out? If so, YABU.

But it sounds like it’s about more than just one text and this is just the last straw.

I think you could definitely plan to be less giving of your emotional support and ask for more help, and see if he’s going to be there for you. I can see why you’re thinking about this- it doesn’t sound like you need anyone else in your life to be pouring empathy and support into, and you don’t have a long history together that you owe him this one sidedness at all. Step back- think before speaking - is this supporting me?

I think this is an excellent idea

Please ignore this OP. You are not responsible for his MH !!!
This incident would be insignificant for me.
I'd think twice about this relationship though. Too much hard work.
Don't send the text.
Have you had counselling following your abusive past relationship? I think you have fallen into another negative relationship - 2 people who need time to work on themselves, rather than relying on others.

A text at midnight is a very low bar and he couldn’t even manage that. I’d be very disappointed.

@mixednuts7 I assume he doesn't have children? You were also invited, remind yourself of that.

I think if its a one off, just put it aside but if a pattern, then worth reevaluating. I remember my ex being like this one Christmas and I know how you feel, its like those key dates stir up a lot of emotions and expectations. But remember you were invited, plus he did text you, so see how he behaves afterwards. He must have felt really upset till the last minute when he got an invite so maybe just got caught up in the moment.

I think you do need to reevaluate based on what you've described (the hny text upset being a symptom more than anything).

Think about what you're looking for in a relationship, and honestly ask, is he providing that for you?

It's one thing weathering a mental health storm after years in an established relationship, but it's not an ideal time to start one, especially if you're both recovering from your previous relationships.

I don't like that he was seemingly able to perk up for his mates and a night out but had zero to offer you. His text sounds very lame as well, what a half arsed message - as both an apology and happy new year text. I think he's setting a tone of low accountability and it's up to you to decide if you want to accept it.

You are too available. Try and make other friends and maybe a hobby so you are not always waiting for him or chasing him when he says he doesn't have headspace...

I think it was more that I’ve constantly had to be the strong one. In my marriage, in the divorce, for the kids, and now here (which I don’t begrudge him)

This stood out to me. He’s not the wonderful guy you seem to think he is, he just feels familiar. You’ve slotted right into the saviour role, which feels comfortable as that’s all you’ve known, but is ultimately unhealthy.

You need some time on your own to build your confidence or you’ll keep repeating this cycle.

I just needed someone to think of me for a change I guess.

So think of yourself, and get out of this relationship which you know is a co-dependent mess. It may be better than the previous abuse, but it sounds as if you're trying to tie yourself to someone with vulnerabilities so they feel obligated to give you what you need in return. That's not healthy either.

If you want to @mixednuts7 maybe start a new thread in relationships focussing on the bigger issues

Yabu. He did text you. I didn't text anyone happy new year until I woke at 8.30.

Your boyfriend may not have text you bang on midnight but he did text you! If he hadn't bothered to text at all, then surely that would have been more of an issue?

I would have been hurt too and tbh my initial reaction was that he’s checking out of his interest.
He certainly doesn’t sound loving and invested.
I think it’s totally normal to expect a close partner to want to wish you HNY at midnight even if they are out without you.

He sounds selfish- happy to accept your support but wanting it all on his terms and not actually that loving about you and how you feel.

The dynamic sounds wrong. And like it’s become a weird emotional crutch space rather than a fun loving mutually beneficial relationship and I’d be seriously reconsidering.

After an abusive marriage and a tricky divorce you would really benefit from time alone to rebuild and work on your self esteem and getting what YOU want out of life and I would worry that you slip into an unhealthy dynamic again here. Be careful OP and do not sell yourself short.

It’s ok to need what we need and to voice that an expect it. No one is obliged to give it but you also have the option to walk away if they don’t or won’t.

I agree.

There is a really good expression that covers this - don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Basically you want to be his lover not his social worker/therapist.

You have had some great advice on here. I hope you can find a way forward 💐

I get it, but I think YABU. Your feelings are valid, but you’re putting too much weight on this one evening.

You say it could have been any night but it wasn’t. It was NYE, you knew he was out with friends, and you decided that if he didn’t message you at midnight exactly it would prove that he doesn’t care about supporting you.

I imagine (but don’t know!) that he does care about supporting you, and perhaps would do a better job if it wasn’t suddenly sprung on him by text on NYE when he’s out with friends.

You are not needy at all. You adapted to become a people pleaser to survive in a potentially dangerous and volatile situation. Now you need to retrain your central nervous system that you are safe and can put your needs, feelings and preferences ahead of just surviving.

I suspect that you would benefit from much more support and understanding than just looking for it ‘once’.

There is some good advice on this thread, also look at the book The body keeps score.

For 2026, put you first and you will feel so much stronger when you do.

Just focusing on the issue at hand YABU.

But if we’re talking bigger picture YANBU. You deserve to been seen and supported, not just him.

He may be lovely and kind and all the qualities you describe but if you’re never getting all the things you put in for him it’s not ok.

Having escaped an abusive marriage did you really need to jump straight into another relationship? I'd spend some time on your own tbh.

It doesn't sound like either of you are actually healed from your previous relationships at all and you are now both using each other as a sort of emotional support animal. For such a new relationship is sounds very dark and hard work, when you should really be in the honeymoon period. I think you should both focus on getting yourselves to a better place individually, the whole thing has got emotional manipulation and martyrdom written all over it.

"For once", "the one thing", sorry OP this sounds like a lot of emotional guilt etc... why don't you find someone who has the behaviours you actually want rather than giving to recieve with conditions?

Have I slept for 24 hours? I don’t understand the timelines here. It’s 8.45am right now on NYD. Your bf texted you at 3am and you wrote your post a couple of hours later having already consulted a male friend and his wife. I feel like I have missed something.

I think there a few things to unpick here.

Firstly, well done for getting out of an abusive relationship, it’s a long road to recovery and you’ve done an amazing thing.

I think this experience may be clouding a few things for you though. It’s not normal to have to overthink interactions like this for reassurance and that sounds like a hangover from your bad relationship.

It also sounds as though you are used to being the giver or feeing safe as long as you’re needed and have picked a guy with complex needs to keep fulfilling this. Unfortunately, I don’t think he is ready for a proper relationship with you as he needs to deal with his own problems.

basically, you are both coming to this with a lot of baggage. After a certain age that’s just life and we all have some, but it doesn’t mean your baggage is compatible. I’d find someone whose attachment style you don’t have to overthink or be on your own for a bit longer to work out why you’re in this pattern of over giving and then feeling resentful when it isn’t reciprocated.

wish you all the best for 2026, it can only be onwards and upwards!

i “was there for” my bf. but it affected our relationship as it moved me into the “counsellor-that-also-shags” space, rather than the “gf who has feelings and needs and we go 50-50 on all joys and problems” space.

i learned from that that it’s better to be one or the other. if you offer support too much it gets taken for granted and you become his mother, and the emasculated bf doesnt see you in the same way. he will say he does. but he doesn't.

so this year id suggest he gets proper counselling. you could benefit from it too. it’s not cheap but it’s life changing. And charities provide at reduced rates. the nhs waiting lists are too long and some areas dont provide at all. unbelievably.

as for the text, he should have thought of you first. but prob just having a good time with the lads and didnt notice how long had passed since he thought “oh i must text my gf will do it in five” and hours went by. presumably til he got home.

Does the venue have reception issues inside? i had to go out to text family in the one i used to bring in the bells at. And it was annoying having to go outside alone (when my pals and i were in the middle of having a laugh and it was fun) as it was cold and pouring some years, but i did my duty and phoned and texted family as i was expected to.Guys are not so good at that. plus do you want to be a duty? no. You should be a joy not a duty!

i think you nwed to pull back from counselling him to be just the gf. he needs medicated and professional help to get through this spell.

im not sure hes the one. i think he may be a rebound for you but only time will tell.